marriage fallen on bad times
I have been with my husband for three years now and we have had plenty of ups and downs. I have noticed that when things are going good between us he is home almost everynight. When things are going bad he will find any reason to go out. It makes me mad because things would start getting better if he just came home and talked things out with me. But the anger just builds and builds every night that he is out. I know why he is leaving every night, and when i try to talk to him about it, he acts like there is nothing wrong. i think that he doesn't understand how to make things better, communication. if he could talk to me about why he isn't happy instead of just going out with his buddies, we could acctually make progress. i feel like we are heading downward everyday. sometimes it will get better for a few days or weeks but we always get stuck in this same kind of rut over and over. And he is the kind of man that never has any feelings about anything. I am really considering leaving him. I don't want to. we have a family and a life. And if i left i would lose all of that. And it always seems to come to a breaking point where we talk about everything and then it will get better.I am just sick af waiting for things to get better. they used to always be good. what should i do? Should a throw away a three year relationship because bad times in the past few months??
A marriage certificate does not create a relationship.
The fact is, he is not there. Now you are in one of
those situations in which 'things happen'.
For example, he meets someone...
for example, you join a club and meet someone.
Where there is no communication, there is no
relationship. This lack of communication causes
more divorces than infidelity.
Eventually this relationship is going to end. There
seems no effort on his part to maintain it.
Maybe...maybe not
Men deal with things differently than we do. Some of then have a harder time dealing with things than most. Have you guys tried seeing a therapist?
My husband and I started to see one because he felt he needed to see things from a different perspective. It has helped alot for us. I mean we are still who we are...but it is nice to have a person who will not judge us...and instead help us to understand the other.
I wish you the best. And I totally can see how this would be hard to deal with. But I think that Marriage is taken so lightly in this day and age. Divorce is so extreme....just try all the angles before you decide. Truth be told, sometimes divorce is neccessary.
I hope you guys can work this out.
Peace to you.
I wish that we could see a therapist.I have brought it up in the past and he refuses to go. He doesn't think that it would help anything. I have gone to therapists in the past and it really helped me through hard times(my best freind died when i was 14). Its like a day to day thing with us. One day everything will be great then the next he will just come home from work with this attitude like he wants to fight. And anything i say will bring it on. But then its MY fault for starting a fight. So we go to bed without saying a word, then he comes home the next day and acts like it never happened. I really think that talking anybody would help. Any kind of third person. Its not at the point yet where we are looking to meet someone else but i can feel it going there and i would do anything to stop it. We split up for a couple months last summer and i was devastated. I didn't want to be with anyone else. I was so unhappy i acctually lost 35 pounds just from stress!! How do I convince him that therapy isn't a bad thing. I talked to his mother about it and she said that when he was a teenager she tried to get him to go and he wouldn't. She said there was no use trying to make him go. Its hard because as soon as i make up my mind to leave he will come home in a great mood and I will see why i love him so much. And I don't want to bring up anything bad then because I don't want to ruin a good day. I am very confused at this point. He doesn't hit me or cheat on me or tell me I am ugly or anything so what should I tell my daughter when she grows up and asks why I left? My daughter is a daddys girl and I couldn't bear taking her away from him for even a night. She is almost 2 and she knows what daddys truck sounds like when he pulls up to the house. She gets all excited and says "Daddy Home!!! Daddy Home!" And besides that I love him and I don't want to leave him. I was more unhappy without him than I am am now.
This is the key feature in your post;
I talked to his mother about it and she said that when he was a teenager she tried to get him to go and he wouldn't. She said there was no use trying to make him go.
Your husband seems to be schzophrenic.
He has two different personalities.
He needs medication.
That his mother is aware of his problems should
set off alarms. Erica Jong's first husband was
mad, his parents knew. She didn't. Until he went
nuts one day and almost threw her out of a window.
Many mental diseases are caused by chemical
imbalances. There is nothing you can/can not
do to prevent the imbalances.
When he is in Mr. Hyde persona, you have to be
careful not to catch his abuse. While Dr. Jeckyl
he is almost completely unaware of his behaviour.
He needs help, and you can not give it to him.
GIRL MEN ARE LIKE THAT. IN SITUATIONS WE LIKE TO TALK AND THEY LIKE TO DO EVERYTHING ELSE BESIDES TALKING. WE'RE WIRED DIFFERENTLY. THEY SEE US AS "NAGGING" WHEN WE ALL WE WANT IS PEACE. HAVE YOU TRIED ANYTHING ELSE BESIDES "TALKING"? HOW IS YOUR LOVE MAKING? IS HE RESPONSIVE TO THAT? IF HE IS...GIVE HIM SOME MORE. GIVE HIM REASONS TO STAY HOME AND EVENTUALLY HE'LL TALK TO YOU.
what?????!!!???????Originally Posted by kaylar
huh!!!????????!!!???????
Nothing I have read would indicate tome that your husband is schizophrenic. However, your relationship clearly needs help, and it doesn't sound like he's willing to make any sort of effort to sort things out.
I was in a similar relationship. We were together for 6 years, and, although I never really felt things were that bad, at the end they certainly weren't good. He didn't hit me or insult me or anything, he just stopped acting like he cared, for the most part. And I begged him to go to counseling with me, and he refused. And I couldn't support a relationship on my own. No matter how hard you try, it will all come to nothing if your partner refuses to try as well.
And I truly believe that your daughter will benefit much more from having a happy mommy and a happy daddy who live apart than 2 miserable parents who share a room.
I can't say if your husband is schizo or not, seeing that he constantly refuses to get any kind of counseling, therapy or even see a doctor...
HOWEVER,
It really sounds to me like he has a woman on the side and hanging out with his buddies covers him seeing her.
He sure shows signs of it to me: the "off" and "on" attitude; I mean, walking in the door in a foul mood and waiting for ONE WORD -- just anything -- to be said out of your mouth so that he can go on and get into an argument with you, then he'll run back out the door. How is it that he's staying out like that? Is he out all night? Then he comes back home happy, as if nothing's wrong... and won't talk to YOU?
No, that can't be tolerated.
He refuses to get therapy or counseling; he11, he refuses to admit there's a problem in the relationship!!
Much less, go to any counseling.
You don't want to leave him (although you acknowledge that you 2 did split up for, what, 2 months?) but your daughter will pick up on the sadness and misery you have within you. Kids are more perceptive than we might want to give them credit for. You can put on your "happy face" all day, your daughter will still notice that daddy and mommy are having problems.
Now what do you want to show your child? Keep a happy face and endure a miserable situation for life, or should she get up and value herself more than that and get some respect?
Your husband is definitely NOT respecting you or your child.
While he's not a child, he should bear in mind that he is a husband and father and his family does need him. He should have more respect for his wife and daughter than to just hang out with the fellas all times of the day and night; and you should not tolerate that. He'll keep doing it if you allow it.
Since you 2 have split up before, and you're already considering/have considered it, you should do what you feel led to do. You just don't want to deal with the emotions and questions that come with the decision you want to make. That's normal.
He acts like he doesn't care, and he knows you'll let him walk all over you.
If you don't stand up for something, you'll lay down for anything.
Quitters never win; Winners don't give in
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