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Thread: His porn and masturbating himself affects our relationship! please i need advice

  1. 10-12-2010 11:56 AM #1
    Lovebutterfly
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    Default His porn and masturbating himself affects our relationship! please i need advice

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    My husband likes to watch porn and naked teens and masturbates himself very often. A caught him a long time ago, and we talked about it. I told him it hurts my feelings and it's insulting that he likes to masturbate himself instead of doing it with me. He said his not wanting anyone else but me, He just wants his "me time" too. I gave him that. But it has become too much! In the morning I wanted to make love with him but he said "i need to wake up more" but when he gets up, he goes to his computer, watch porn and masturbates himself. He does that so many times that I am now getting so upset.
    For a long time I have tolerated him to shut his door, do his "me time" thing. Deep inside I am hurt and insecure especially when he is masturbating and I come in, trying to be sexy, sometimes naked, doing the move, obviously wanting to do the thing with him but he doesn't want to do it with me. IF he's horny why dont he want it with me?
    It's hurting me more and more and I finally told him about my feelings, I wrote it so that I can explain it clearly how it makes me feel. I told him I dont feel confident when we have sex now because I feel that I cant give him what he wants. AFTER THAT... he just didnt want to talk.. he said he doesnt want to talk about it right now. He doesnt hug and kiss me anymore, he just withdrawn himself from me. It's now almost a week... we're not fighting, but we're not talking. I am the one who's hurt here, but he's the one trying to get away from me. I didnt expect this. How long should I wait for him to talk to me about this thing? Please help.
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  2. 10-12-2010 09:49 PM #2
    stressed
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    A week may not be enough for him, but I'd advise you not to give in (don't give sex just because he asks it, as then you will go back to where you were before the letter). It can take several weeks or even months before this sinks in. I think you did the right thing by writing him a letter, this is exactly what I did too.

    Men seem to have a much harder time talking about sex than we think. He might feel embarrassed, hurt, know he's wrong but doesn't want to admit it, and so on. Give him another week or so, try to initiate another gentle discussion, and if this won't give a result try to write him another letter. It's important to make him feel that you're on his side and don't judge him, no matter what goes on in his head. That no matter what his reason behind all this is you'll be there to support him. I know how you feel and I know that right now you're very hurt, but you've got to be strong and show him that you're more concerned about his feelings/state of mind than yours. Otherwise he might never open up.
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  3. 10-14-2010 06:45 AM #3
    Dragon
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    I had the same problem a year ago. I pressed him, threatened with divorce, he begged for forgiveness, and said that he stopped. I never believed him. The problem is that he now finds it hard to reconnect with me, no spontaneous hugging or kissing, sporadic sex, very detached. I do think that porn and masturbation is very destructive in marriage and am now worried that our marriage might not survive.
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  4. 10-14-2010 07:09 AM #4
    WildChild
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    His pride and ego are involved and it is possible that he won't get past it. By cutting off affection and signs of caring he is reducing the connection between you. Hard as it is to believe, it isn't about you, it's about him.

    Instead of recognizing the problem that his self indulgence is creating and acting to heal it, he is withdrawing to preserve his ego, to avoid seeing himself as 'wrong'. Aside from talking, I don't know what you can do. If you can reach his true self behind the facade you might get somewhere. I lost the love of my life to this kind of thing and he is angry and withdrawn and full of self rightousness about it. Flat out he prefers the perceived safety of a relationship with his hand over loving and being loved, but his anger is at himself. There seems to be a deep seated lack of feeling true self worth in these men. I think deep down they don't see themselves as worthy of the love of a real woman. Relationships require work, self examination, and self development. Real interaction with others, real connection, is a mirror to who we are and many can't face that.

    It's painful. I wish you all the best in dealing with this.
    We can only learn to love by loving. - Iris Mudoch, British writer
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  5. 10-27-2010 07:52 AM #5
    hizenberg
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    ahhh here we go again, another male insensitive jerk. sure he may and proberley is a great guy but underneath hes another male pig whos insistent jerking off is getting in the way of common sense, when will any guy wake up and realise that most women are delicate creatures who need lots of attention and need to know we still are sexy beutiful to them, i hate porn in relationships i truly do its insensitive ,selfish and down right disrespecting n unhonouring of your partner,tell him how you feel and do not let the conversation drop untill that bone head gets it. are all men like 'cave men'? im not a raging fat feminist who has daddy issues but yeah enough said how i feel this is your post. (i appoligise if that last comment offends anyone)
    he may be imbarresed for wanting barley legal girls and reliseses hes a pig for his actions so won't admit to it? it sounds like you are having trouble in reconnecting after this issue ,he loves you but just see's it as a 'ahhh what the heck its realy not that bad ' kind of thing you know??and im sorry to sound blunt....but he proberley likes it,wants it ,is proberlay never going to stop it, and just get sneaker about it etc. its not that he doesnt care i dont think.i am not sure what you can do on this but i think if you still love him which you sound like you do , dont give up on your relationship just yet. work hard at it and hopefully you both find a middle ground. but if you cannot find happiness and move past it in the end of it all then i think its best to start looking elsewhere. im sorry for raving on. i wish you all the best

    'ITS BETTER TO KNOW THE DEVIL YOUR WITH THAN TO FIND ANOTHER'? (just a thought)
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  6. 11-03-2010 06:04 PM #6
    Cinders
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    Default sounds very familiar

    Hi, I came across this post doing after doing a search for a similar topic... so I had to join and tell you my story (very relevant).
    I am a male, and I have (still have to a small degree) the same problem that love butterfly described about her husband.
    I used to watch porn, masturbate etc and ignore my wife in much the same manner as you described (although, I didn't lock myself in a room, I was more discreet). It was a big problem.
    To get the picture in perspective... I was married 6 years, we had been arguing and we both didn't feel we loved each other. It seemed we were never on the same page. I used to watch porn whenever I could and then masturbate to get a sense of fulfillment that I couldn't get from my wife. When we first met, i loved her, but I didn't lust after her. In our first 12months she regularly made comments when we had sex like "do it like this" or "My "ex" used to do it like this".
    It was a real ego bruiser for me. Basically it was all down hill.. and it didn't help when she got depression after our first child.
    Long story short, my wife left me in March 2009 for another man. (I was fortunate that the week she left, I met my birth mother... this has really helped me to get where I am now.)
    Our sexual problems had compounded because I became depressed due to not knowing who I was due to my adoption and not having a sense of identity. ( I didn't realise this at the time)
    I visited a adoption councilor monthly from march to December 2009. However, we seemed to talk about my marriage just as much as my adoption .
    Our marriage breakup was my fault... I hid the truth from myself through porn and masturbation and alcohol. (note: I was never violent to my wife)
    After the separation, I hated my ex and it seemed she hated me... I always loved her at the same time... I wouldn't talk to her. 3 months ago, she left this guy and about a month ago we started talking again... we have now broached the subject of getting back together. Just the other day, I discovered that she really turns me on... I really, really want to get her into bed .
    I really want my wife back (we are still married).
    The problem lovebutterflys husband has (if indeed it is the same as mine) is not that at the moment you don't turn him on, it is a sign of a more in depth problem... maybe not related to sex at all?? It seems to me he is bored ... finding some escape from reality through porn and masturbation. I suggest that maybe you see a councillor on your own. Maybe you know of a problem he has that he isn't confronting? if so, you may need to do something that puts his problem into his face so he has to confront it. Maybe he is depressed as I was?
    Be pro-active for him and if it works out, then one day you may have a marriage that everyone else aspires to. If it doesnt, well then you should be satisfied you tried everything to save your marriage.
    I know, if I succeed in getting my wife back, our marriage will be fantastic. I think she knows it as well.
    If you are interested, I can expand more reasons about why I was addicted to porn.. I presume we can send private messages on this site.. so send me a message and I will try to help if I can.
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  7. 11-03-2010 08:42 PM #7
    Danyell
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    Cinders-
    I am going through something similar and was wondering if I could ask you some questions? This is my spam account, (removed e-mail address). If you could e-mail me I would e-mail you back

    Lovebutterfly-
    I have been dealing with something similar for 2 yrs and we r married with 2 small kids. It doesnt get easier. I'm sorry to say it gets harder with every let down. Have you tried talking to him again since he has been giving you the silent treatment? talking with my husband has been the only thing that has kept me going, not that I think it has been that effective. You can e-mail me too if you would like to talk one on one about the stress of this issue. Maybe together we can come up with something that will work???
    Last edited by LanaBear; 11-03-2010 at 08:48 PM. Reason: please do not post personal contact information, wait until you accumulate 32 posts and have PM privs.
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  8. 11-03-2010 09:52 PM #8
    WildChild
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    you have to have 33 posts to PM. You can use VM.
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  9. 11-14-2010 04:44 PM #9
    JustHormonious
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    I realize that this thread was started a month ago and that the OP has not returned, but I have to comment. This husband has clearly set the boundaries of which you have agreed. Why, I'm not sure.. "My husband likes to watch porn and naked teens and masturbates himself very often". HUGE RED FLAG!! I can't be the only one that thinks this? Naked Teens, how young are we talking about?

    "For a long time I have tolerated him to shut his door, do his "me time" thing". Why have you been willing to tolerate this behavior? This man by what you have written, has told you in his own words and actions the following things:

    1.) He is going to do what he wants, when he wants, no matter how it makes you feel.
    2.) He is not going to talk about.
    3.) He has shut the door on your relationship.

    Your only decision is, how long are you willing to put up with this? A word of caution: Depending on the age of the naked teens, this is a chargeable offense, and it is your home that this is taking place.

    Women need to be aware of the type of pornography that is being looked at, and stored on their home computers.
    Before you talk about what you want ~ Be happy with what you have
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