Why am I so jealous and paranoid...I'm driving myself nuts?

**tmac001** · 10-15-2010 11:56 AM

I have been with my wife for 7 years. She's a great wife and mother. Our sex life is just fine, however, I have become jealous of her friends and paranoid she might cheat on me.

My problem is I have no rational reason to think that way. She has never given me a reason to doubt her but I still have these irrational thoughts which have caused me to become extreme. I check her cell phone vs the call details on the bill. I check her email. I feel terrible about being so snoopy but can't help it. I'm driving myself nuts.

4 years ago I got an amazing job that pays super well, but I travel every week of the year. I am only home Friday night through Sunday. I miss her badly every week and can't wait to get home. She is super busy during the week with work and kid activities. Barely gets to sit down until bed time. I feel bad for her, but she handles it well.

She teaches with some younger guys and they all are friends with some women included. I am jealous of them, in particular one guy who is 10 years younger than us..good looking bodybuilder and a real player. They are friends and I have no reason to doubt anything but I do. I am jealous everyone gets to spend more time and talk with her than me. I fear she may stray because of my absence. I have never been insecure but am now. I have told her these feelings and she says she wants no one but me.

How do I change my mindset? I am driving myself nuts all day long wondering.

**LanaBear** · 10-15-2010 12:46 PM

I work for a consulting company, travelers that leave their families every week of the year Sunday night through Thursday night, Friday morning. It is SO hard on marriage and families. You have to have a lot of trust to make it work. You are missing her and your family, you are not in your own bed 5 nights a week. In my experience, I firmly believe the life span of a traveling consultant is about 3-5 years before you drive yourself bonkers and just can't do it anymore. You have to let go of these feelings if she has given you no reason to feel this way, it could be what hurts your marriage.

What about looking for a local job? Pay may not be as great, but something comparable, realizing what you will be leaving in stress and jealousy would be worth quite a bit on your mental state.

**caterpillar79** · 10-15-2010 01:13 PM

I agree with Lana.

When you're on your travels, do you keep in touch as often as you'd like (so far)? Maybe you both need a week's getaway and do some rejuvenation together, away from the kids, all the worries of everyday - just for a moment.

**bella321** · 10-15-2010 02:11 PM

Travel is very hard on marriages. My husband lived in other parts of the world off and on for several years and it put a strain on our relationship. I was never jealous because I never thought there was a reason to be. That all changed when my husband had to move out of state to work (he was out of work for over one year with no pay) and stayed with a single friend for a few months. My husband carried on a texting/email relationship with two women, one of whom lives in the same city as the friend he was living with. I suspected that he cheated on me but he denied, denied,denied for three months before finally fessing up a few weeks ago. He claims it was a one night sex experience and that he ceased all contact with the woman a couple days later. I am heartsick. It does not help that the woman he cheated with is 20 years younger than him and very attractive. She also formerly worked as a stripper and a phone sex operator. What a blow to my self esteem that my husband would lie and cheat with a low life who was willing to jump in the sack with him less than a month after they met. I am in counseling and trying to repair my marriage but the trust issue is so difficult. My husband has to work in the same area again and I have this ongoing fear that he is going to run into the tramp and get some scandalous ideas. He swears that he has no interest in her and is in love with me but he also lied about cheating! I would suggest being honest with your wife about your insecurities and keep the communication open.

**lizzardb63** · 10-15-2010 02:22 PM

Maybe you have Anxiety? I was the same way until I was put on anti-depressant for anxiety. Helped me a TON to think clearly!

**tmac001** · 10-15-2010 02:25 PM

I appreciate everyone who took the time to post their thoughts. It means a lot to me. All suggestions are very good and worth trying. I haven't talked to anyone about this. It feels good to get it out.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 10-15-2010 02:29 PM

I would try something more natural like SAM-E before I'd go the antidepressant route.

**justadudeguy** · 10-15-2010 03:41 PM

honestly, I'm military and I travel more than anyone on here would believe, and for large parts of that I'm not even in phone contact, it is very hard on a relationship.

The solution, get a lojack put on her car and spike her phone. If she is cheating, she will slip up. She might not be bold or lazy enough to drive to his house and spend the night, it might be something small, but the "pattern of life" will tell you just as much. If she is cheating, she'll be going to different places, doing different things, her routine will change. Be careful you don't tip off that you've done this, and you probably don't have a baseline to compare with, but keep track and eventually you'll catch that she did something noteworthy and she won't tell you, or she'll talk about running errands during lunch, but her credit card won't have charges ect. Ultimately, tell her "hey, I dont like this guy, don't talk to him anymore". You were her husband first, if she keeps hanging out with him after that, she's being pretty clear what her priorities are.

I can't believe people just suggested "happy pills" so he wouldn't care.

**Casey715** · 10-16-2010 02:49 AM

Man, that has got to be the worst advice I have ever read on this site. justadudeguy, wow. Straight for the jugular huh? Wow. Lojack? Spike her phone? Dude, that's just not right. OP, your wife finds out you did this stuff, you won't have to worry no more. Tell her, "hey, I don't like this guy, don't talk to him anymore" did you read the post? She works with him. OP, you feel this way because you are H U M A N and you love your wife. Now justadudeguy I am defiantly with you on the "happy pills." But suggesting he just jumps off the deep end and all out stalks his wife, lol.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 10-16-2010 01:39 PM

Man, that has got to be the worst advice I have ever read on this site. justadudeguy, wow. Straight for the jugular huh? Wow. Lojack? Spike her phone? Dude, that's just not right. OP, your wife finds out you did this stuff, you won't have to worry no more. Tell her, "hey, I don't like this guy, don't talk to him anymore" did you read the post? She works with him. OP, you feel this way because you are H U M A N and you love your wife. Now justadudeguy I am defiantly with you on the "happy pills." But suggesting he just jumps off the deep end and all out stalks his wife, lol.

Glad to hear someone else thinks that was really bad advice. I'm going, "seriously....???????" If I found out my husband (if I had one, lol) had gone as far as a lojack, tapping my phone, etc instead of just sitting down and talking to me, um yeah, I'd be out the door and be suggesting some serious therapy for him. I mean, the guys already snooping on her email, checking her phone bill and going to the extent of looking and checking out call details.....and he has found NOTHING to even raise suspicions. So even though she is unknowingly having her privacy violated ALREADY by someone she trusts, you think he should take it even farther? Shesh.

OP - have you ever considered the fact that YOU are also out of her sights while you're gone. You could be cheating on her M-T of every week. You could be.... (not insinuating you are). You're there alone with no kids to take after. So why isn't she freaking out? Maybe because she loves you and trusts you to be the man you promised her you'd be? I guess what I'm saying is, you might as well be cheating, because if I were your wife and I found out that you were going behind my back snooping on me, TRYING to catch me in something with absolutely no reason, that would be more betrayal than I could ever be willing to forgive in a marriage. I would not be willing to live my life with someone who thought no more of me than that. Especially not when I'm at home busting my tail to work, take care of the kids, take care of the house and all the responsibilities while you're gone.

Now, if SHE is doing things to raise your suspicions: not available when she normally is, drastic changes in appearance, making herself appear more distant from you emotionally, sudden change in sexual relationship etc., then that's a different story. And if this were the case I'd say your FIRST step would be sitting down with her and discussing it in DETAIL. But it sounds to me as if this is not the case at all.

It's time to work on ways to reduce your stress and anxiety. I would strongly recommend you try SAM-E. Research it a bit and you'll see why I think this is a better option to start with than antidepressants. Antidepressants can cause weight gain, loss of libido, etc. I would use that as a last resort. I would also recommend when you're traveling to find a way (maybe you do this already) to get a good rigorous exercise in every day. And most importantly, when you're away, and you're feeling insecure...... talk to her. By this I don't mean accuse her, freak out, etc etc....I just mean TALK to her....explain to her that you don't know why you're going through this but that you need her help and need her to be patient with you and that you will work through it together.