husband cheated on me twice

**hurt and confused** · 10-22-2010 06:31 PM

Please someone out there help me with this issue. My husband and I have been with each otherr for 15 years, married 11. He first cheated on me into our 5 year of marriage with his old highschool girl friend. I found out online looking up cellphone bill. He did have sex with this girl for around 3 months. I forgive him finally cause I felt my love for him was strong enough to stay together. I really thought that our marriage got stronger. I gave sex mostly when he or I wanted it, clean house,cooked dinners and went out on dates,vacations and outings. I felt I was doing what a wife was suppose to do, he never hardly complained about anything. After 4 years of him cheating we had a child. everything felt great with our relationship but to find out a few days ago he has again cheated on me but this time no sex just texting/messages and talking on cellphones. he said it was just texting, no sex and he never saw her. Please tell me if texting a different girl for 3 weeks from 8am-to 8:00pm (if I was working or in a differnet room taking care of our child) is cheating?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 10-22-2010 06:38 PM

Welcome to the Forum, sweet.

Off course, it's still emotionally cheating...

Have you asked him why he did it the first time? What he felt was the likely reason?

Have you asked him why and what his explanation was apart from he didn't have sex with this woman, as to why he is texting her on-going, and her him?

CW

**WildChild** · 10-22-2010 06:51 PM

There is something in him that drives this behavior. He needs to figure out what it is. You cannot just keep forgiving it over and over and he needs to know that. If he needs an open relationship, that is something you have to agree on.

**hurt and confused** · 10-22-2010 06:54 PM

He found out that she got hurt through a company that he deals with almost everyday.( They do they same work but in different towns) and he just called to tell her that the company was sorry for her and then the texting started. They talked about work, the people they know and then everything else just followed. He told me when I asked him about this that it was just texting and talking nothing else. He also told me that I didn't do anything to him do this, he said that they just got carried away but there was a chemistry between them, a connection. But it took me almost 3 years the first time he cheated to trust him but now the trust is no longer there. Do i give him a third try or move on cause if happens again I don't know if I can handle this.

**hurt and confused** · 10-22-2010 06:55 PM

Is so texting and talking long hours at work cheating with no sex?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 10-22-2010 07:14 PM

"He said, they just got carried away but there was a chemistry between them, a connection"

He's honest.. But, is he telling you something? What's missing? Your doing everything from the sounds of it, that a wife should do, including dates, including sex....

You have to bring that part up with him, and ask him, what is missing that he feels that he can have chemistry with another woman and "again" and let him know, he's emotionally cheating and admitting it by that statement and that is just as bad as physically cheating because it breaches your trust, yet again....

CW

**bella321** · 10-22-2010 09:02 PM

I suspect that your husband is lying. Mine did nearly the exact same thing. He had a one night stand ten years ago while on a business trip. I found out and did everything possible to forgive him and he had no relationship with the woman that he cheated with. Fast forward to 5 months ago. My husband was living and working in another state after being unemployed for over a year. We were having some problems and I was really sad about us being apart and facing the financial problems that we had (have). I was checkingour phone bill and found nearly 300 text messages and 50 phone calls to two different women. One of the women was an acquaintance from middle school that he hadnt seen or talked to in 30 years who found him on Facebook. The other one was a 30 year old divorcee who lives about three blocks from where he was living, My husband quit contact with both of the women within a couple days of me finding evidence of the texts. He swore up and down that he never touched the 30 and claimed that he didnt care about either woman. I looked over the phone bill several times and could not believe that any man would text back and forth with a woman at all hours of the night and day, and not seek out any further contact. I know that the texts were sexual in nature. After lying for three months, my husband finally fessed up last month and admitted that he had sex with the 30 year old woman. He claims that it only happened one time and that she seduced him. I reminded him that he is married to me, not her, and that she did not force him to do anything. I am in therapy and am struggling with the hurt and sadness. I love my husband dearly and am willing to forgive him but cannot ever deal with another betrayal. I know that he loves me but I cannot figure out why he would risk our marriage by flirting/cheating with two women that he

**stressed** · 10-25-2010 03:48 PM

It's emotional cheating. He feels something is lacking in your marriage, or he just cannot fully commit to one person for a long period of time. He could be enjoying the attention he receives from that woman without any intentions to take it further. He seems to be attracted to her and with his statement it was as if he told you "I'd have sex with her if we weren't married". Texting someone 12 hours a day is wrong, even if it would be a man he was exchanging texts with. They're creating an unnecessary connection.

**rcoreyus** · 10-25-2010 06:22 PM

I agree that it is emotional cheating - and that brings up the question of why. What is it that he wants emotionally that he doesn't think he can get from his wife? Maybe he feels he can't be honest about how he feels about something?

I actually think that people put to much attention on physical cheating. If he has found someone that he feels he can talk to about things that he wouldn't say to his wife, does it really matter whether they are having sex? I think the emotional part of a relationship is more important than the physical.

**hurt and confused** · 10-25-2010 07:52 PM

he said its easier to talk to this other girl because they work in the same field of business. That's . I don't know many hubands and wives that work in the business. THe more I ask him different questions why he did this he gets mad. At first I told him when I found out was to call her and tell her that he the texting/talking was to stop so he could work on his marriage but he said that I didn't need to be around when he called her and he didn't need to call her. Then a couple of days later I told him that we needed to go to theraphy to try to work this marriage out and he said that he didn't need to talk to anyone cause " it was just texting, he didn't do anything wrong. Texting someone 50 times plus with talking is wrong.
He finally said that he would go but when I told him that someone would have to watch our young daughter he said no! He doesn't want anyone to know that he did this cause then his family would know. I feel there is more to this then he's telling.. I also asked him if this was his easy way out of this marriage and he said no he just wanted his wife to come back to bed with him. SOmeone tell me why he thinks that this texting is not a big deal cause I sure can't get the answer from him..I feel he thinks "he can have his cake and eat it to" and that he has no respect for me at all. I know that if this marriage does not work out he will hold my daughter against me.