Is my Husband Selfish or am I crazy?

**respectstepmoms** · 10-28-2010 09:57 AM

Need advice... I have read many forums that hit home but not exactly my issue. I have been with my husband for 18 months we got married soon we have been married now for almost 11 months and have been on the verge of divorce for the last 5 months.

My husband has a 12 year old from a prior marriage in which him and I are very close. Although he has always been a daddy boy becasue he has had no rules, discipline, structure or manners instilled in him he has been just a lost little boy since we met.

In the beginning my husband was crying out for help as well as his ex wife. Wanted me t jump in and help in any way possible because the had not been able to figure out what he needed. They did have a terrible relationship no partnership and my husband didnt believe in discipline only in talking and babying for this the 12 year old is very inmature but very intelligent.

At first my husband and I were very close like best friends and we had a great relationship still do except for when it comes to his child. Again as I said the step child and I are very close but he alwys has to be number 1 for thats what he has always been taught he has always been alowed to be the adult and make al the decisions. My husband and I made huge progress with the child the last year but now my husband has decided I pick on the child becasue I am consistent he thinks that he can teach by picking and choosing when it matters to get on the child.

The biigest issue for the child is he hashad no consistency nor structure or discipline. We are finally at a stage where we are going to conseling but my husband still wants to pick and choose what he uses and when he uses it, In other words if he so chooses. Im about at my wits end to the point that any decisions no matter what it is that relates to his child he makes against me no matter how much I talk if the child, the ex, his mom, his brother anyone thinks he should do or not do then he goes with them always against me to where I feel im just important here to contribute financially and as a caretaker and for him to pick and choose with me too when im important.

Please help with any advice. Im desperate I have 1 foot out the door and 1 in. I even got a call to do Dr. Phil and he was all for it until his mom and brother thought it would embarrasthe child...then again guess what my view didnt matter again regardless if it cost his marriage. I just feel as a relationship we dont have one any more and he shows me no respect as a partner.

**pretzel** · 10-28-2010 10:17 AM

"Im about at my wits end to the point that any decisions no matter what it is that relates to his child he makes against me no matter how much I talk if the child, the ex, his mom, his brother anyone thinks he should do or not do then he goes with them always against me to where I feel im just important here to contribute financially and as a caretaker and for him to pick and choose with me too when im important"

With these words, you just described the whole entirety of the problem. No, you're not crazy. No, he's not necessarily selfish. What it is is a man who cannot make his own decisions and stick with them. He's an enabler who was raised to have decisions made for him by mommy and daddy. This isn't about his son. He's being raised the same way his father was raised.

**respectstepmoms** · 10-28-2010 10:57 AM

Any suggestions on how to make him see it. I have now moved to the other room and I have no relationship back to hoe he will see how it feels to only think of yourself.

**pretzel** · 10-28-2010 11:26 AM

I really wish I did because in honesty it would help my own relationship. One thing I've learned is that as hard as you try you people won't change unless they have their eyes open to see anothers viewpoint. Those eyes will remain closed as long as he doesn't have to take responsibility for his actions and decisions. You'll always be in the middle stuck with what you feel is best for all concerned vs. his family. Right now you're outnumbered.

Trust me, there's no worse feeling than being in a marriage where you constantly feel like you're just there.

**respectstepmoms** · 10-28-2010 11:41 AM

Thanks for your advice. I hope your situation finds a eye opener soon. Im just grasping at straws.

**pretzel** · 10-28-2010 11:58 AM

Same to you.

**WildChild** · 10-30-2010 12:09 PM

Just to clarify:
You have known your husband for 18 months
have been married about 11 months
have been close to divorce for 5 months.
Your husband has a 12 yr old son from a previous marriage.
Initially your husband and his ex wife both sought your input regarding childrearing?
Now they no longer want that input?
Your husband now does the opposite of what you think should be done?
You feel the boy has not had consistant guidence or expectations for his behavior and that your husband and his family are inconsistant in their expectations?
Your husband is inconsistant in showing you attentions and affection?
You are feeling like you are being used for financial support and child care but are not being respected or valued?

Do you have any children?
What exactly is there about your stepson's behavior that is a problem? Are his grades poor? Does he get into trouble? Is he disrespectful?
What is it that you think your husband needs to, "get on the child" for?
Why are you in counseling? Is it just you and your husband or is his son included?

**Hopeless Dork** · 10-30-2010 01:04 PM

Great questions WC, I think answers to them will help offer insight to the readers so that they may be able to offer more opinions on the issues. I'd like to know what the child is doing that is pushing you to your wits end... most kids entering 12-14 are pretty dog gone awful in general...lol. I mean there are some angels among them but goodenss knows when they hit puberty and are transititioning from child to adult, they can be pretty difficult to deal with. Clingy one moment, leave me alone the next, they are finding their way... as we all did at that point.

You may still be facing initial 'step-mom resentment'. Its still pretty new that you've been in his life, and you entered in at a volitile time in childhood development. Some kids feel like if they are too accepting and loving of a step parent that they are insulting their 'real mom' or 'real dad' so even though some want to connect, sometimes they will force themselves to be a bit more difficult because they feel some misplaced sense of loyalty in treating you unkind.

Time, patience, understanding and not trying come in yeilding the hammer are the best ways to gain their trust. Their biggest fear with a step parent is that their natural parent is going to love them more than them... and they are going to lose them... children of divorce can see the parent that left or dates first as the abandoner, and may fear the same thing happening to them that happened to their mom or dad.

They fear a whole new set of rules and life changing drastically, and its all very scary... so they are going to fight you tooth and nail. Its best to play the background until you have their trust, let your husband be in charge of discipline as he see's fit, and be supportive with suggestions but gratiously bow-out if he doesn't take the advice. He's known the kid his whole life, and you only a year... so it could be insulting to him and the child that you think you know whats best for how he is raised than he does.

**respectstepmoms** · 10-30-2010 03:37 PM

I found the post thank you so much... Yes I have known my husband a little longer than 18 months but only together that long. His son has terrible behavior issues at home and school. He is very inmature for his age and this has been ongoing since he was very young with anger and disruptive and without consistency or respect for rules. Everything is a negotiation. He talks back and gets in trouble in school and is allowed hours of game time and they wont follow up on discipline now and now its me picking on him they think which causes my husband and I to fight because he dont see the need of consistent discipline when he says the child knows but kids will do what they can get by with. We have him week on week off and about a year ago when we were on the same page we started a custody battle so we could get the child where he needs to be. I feel sorry for the child he is so lost and dont understand why he cant make friends and not have girls he likes but he thinks in his mind he has convinced hisself he is the best at everything because his dad has let him win at everything and bragged on him for no reason so now he has this false sense of self that he cant deal with other children or sports because hes afraid someone may be better than him and he cant face that nor understand after all he has always beeen the best athlete with his dad and stronger than his dad, so why would he understand but yet this boy cries to me for answers. Yes I have 2 children now 25 and 23 and 3 grandchildren 4,3,&1 and they have more social skills and manners and respect than the 12 year old

**respectstepmoms** · 10-30-2010 03:45 PM

As I said him and I are very close and thats what is so hard he is thriving for what I am trying to offer but its his parents that are fighting it now. He has no complaints and really wants to be in a different place. I truly see its not a choice from him its his parents that are kicking and fighting all the way. He is so lost. I shoot him straight and also make him understand why I dont yell or scream and have much patience and love for the child but I do want him to have his own identity and not his dads shadow. I see such sadness but yet when we were on the same page my husband and I made huge progress with him. He doesnt have a good relationship with his mom although she is in his life he wants to be with us and here is where he got the discipline and routine. I see the parents are staying in a battle between themselves and its almost like a game between the 2 of them to see who can get them on their side. I say grow up and make life about your child and regardless of your day you do whats best for your child not neccesarily what the child wants. His dad thinks he is suppose to get everything he wants and for this he has no respect. The child has never been taught yes sir no sir yes mam no mam and I have never seen the lack of parenting in my life/