husband not really attracted to me

**Zen_Aura** · 10-30-2010 12:33 PM

ive been married for four years, together for about five. im 28 my H is 29. things were ok the first few months but it hasnt really been good since.

we both have a lot of emotional problems. my husband also has an addiction to pornography. dont get me wrong, i have no problem with porn, but he's not interested in having sex with me. at first i thought he was shy and that we could incorporate the porn into our sex life. i tried dressing up as those girls and doing the things i thought he'd like. i suggested we watch together. he wasnt interested. he would still come home late from work, telling me he was out with his coworkers, when he was really jacking off in his car to magazines. It wouldnt surprise me if he went to strip clubs, too. He lies a lot so I dont know how far he's really gone. When he would get home he would say he was tired and stressed out from work and he just wanted to cuddle. He's always loved to cuddle, kiss, and hold hands. I've built up a lot of resentment since i put myself out there trying to get him to be attracted to me and he was taking care of himself behind my back. i became verbally abusive and have said some really nasty things to him.

anyway, we've both been working on our issues and we've made a lot of progress. we both go to counseling now. but i still find myself feeling sorry for myself a lot. i get myself so depressed that i cant do anything. today i got up around noon, sat on the couch, and starred at the walls for an hour. Im much better then i used to be. there was a time i didnt leave the house for weeks. i wouldnt shower. now im a full time student and i work part time. im extremely busy. but every so often all i want to do is cry all day. i cant get anything done. today happens to be one of those days. i just want to go back to bed and not get out all weekend.

**Hopeless Dork** · 10-30-2010 12:46 PM

You have to understand that his addiction to porn and masturbation, his selfishness when it comes to your pleasure has nothing to do with YOU or your attractiveness. Look at the celebrities that have hot sexy wives men would give a left arm for that have come out admitting to porn addiction/ spending money on hookers and strippers etc... its not about you and what your lacking, but him and his habits, his unwillingness to try to create an envioronment of intimacy and sex with a human that actually wants sex with him.

He's likely a lot less likely to cheat on you, due to the fact that he prefers sex with himself than with others... but that is NO comfort... some women may say hey, at least he's not banging your neighbor, at least its just a fantasy... uh, thats great and all, thats like thanking someone for not hitting you in the face. Thanks for not cheating, exactly as you made a vow not to do, here's a cookie.

But he is cheating, he's cheating YOU out of the sex life that you deserve. Should you have to live like a nun? Porn and masturbation don't cut it for the average woman, she needs to feel wanted and desired and thats something only a lover can provide and he is denying you that. Would he be okay with you getting your sexual needs met from another man, since he has no interest in meeting them? Probably not, so he needs to step up to the plate or decide he wants to go live in a cabin like some sort of porn uni-bomber and just jerk off til the cows come home and leave no one neglected.

But he doesn't want that either... he doesn't want to be alone, as you say he loves to cuddle, loves your company... but you signed up for a husband not a snuggle partner or best bud. Its great if he is a best bud and a snuggle partner but without the sexual intimacy, he may as well be a touchy feely roomate.

I am glad he's in counseling, I am glad you are too. Do not let this make you feel that he has that habit because of something your not, no matter what you were... he'd be doing the same until he decides he wants his intimacy with the one he loves rather than just with himself and paper magazines, or computer screen pixels.

**Zen_Aura** · 11-01-2010 10:15 AM

Thank you hopeless. Its reasurring to hear someone say it is a big deal. I feel its a big deal but a lot of people say, at least he's not really cheating. I guess that's true, but it still hurts all the same. I dont feel like its something i can talk to other people about because i know most people will just say its normal for a guy to look at porn. they wont get it.

ive tried for many years to realize that its not a reflection of me. i have been shocked to hear that beautiful women get cheated on. I mean, i guess its not surprising but sometimes i do think if i was pretty enough he would come to me. but you're right, its not really about me. How do i stop comparing myself to other girls? I go to a university where there are a lot of young, skinny, very sexy girls and i feel so depressed around them. i keep telling myself my husband would rather be with them. i know that's wrong, but i cant keep from doing that. when i was their age i was skinny and sexy, too. but im not anymore. ive gained some weight (working on it) but i dont think i'll ever have that body again. i just wish i could stop constantly putting myself down.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-06-2010 03:19 PM

I guess those people that say he isn't "really" cheating and trying to make you feel better, because he's cheating you out of a fullfilling life, one where two people are meant to share, love an be happy.

You know, it boils down to morals.. A decent man will not cheat on any women, we are all beautiful in the eyes of the beholder... Some men just can't settle down in life, they live in a batchelor world, some have good reason to cheat, but should have the conversation of I am not happy there is no love, there is no intimacy I don't want to go elsewhere and be told they can as long as they stay together, or otherwise, leave if it can't be resolved... It has nothing to do with beauty of a woman...

HD is correct, you can not look at those ladies and try to compare yourself and feel that your not pretty enough, sexy enough it has nothing to do with you...

Some guys who masterbate to porn, get addicted.. It's a 5 min thing, and over with and they get into the habit, find it quicker, easier they don't have to work, to get the result... Some, purely need to release their frustration, stress but still want and desire their woman... Don't compare yourself, it sounds more like an addiction to me.

You may find you went for "comfort food" another addiction

As a result of feeling down, depressed, un-attractive, un-loved...

How do you stop comparing yourself to other girls? I'd get my butt out with some lipstick, a nice outfit, no nickers underneath

but not a short outfit or too tight and walk into that supermarket and take note at how many men look at you....

Never, let one person rule what is reality because that's not reality...

Until he can confirm why he feels that he prefers porn, masterbation to intimacy and only wants a cuddle, you have no closure or idea on how to press forward. So, spend this time, concentrating on you, " I am beautiful, smart" and get out there and start believing it and keep going down the path your going

CW

**Hopeless Dork** · 11-06-2010 04:31 PM

When I feel like my boyfriend isn't noticing me... is taking me for granted, when I see he's been looking at porn and start to feel down on myself like I must not be good enough... I put on one of my hot mama outfits and hit the town and after I see the way other guys react to me... I know it ain't me thats the problem and that he's just being a little selfish and inconsiderate. It sucks when you feel the man you love isn't aware of the goodies he has right there at home... but do realize its not you, do realize that even if you were the sexiest thing on 2 legs he'd still do the same junk... and do not ever forget that for every man that is bored of his lady , their is a dozen more that would happily take his place. Keep your chin up and work on you for you...

**Allie602** · 11-06-2010 07:25 PM

I think it is will be difficult to tackle the porn issue and battle depression at the same time. What are you doing medically about your depression? Seeking treatment may be a place to start and then you may have more energy to decide what to do about your husbands porn addiction. Ultimately, you have to make a definite move to resolve his habit because it is hurting both you and him. It is also important to understand that he may be ashamed of the habit and the masturbation, that's why he is so secretive.

**calicogirl** · 11-25-2010 04:22 PM

I COMPLETELY understand how you feel. My fiance has a porn addiction as well, not as severe as your husbands because we still have sex and he only does it when im not home or asleep but i will be honest with you he IS CHEATING. He is PRETENDING that hes having sex with these girls while he wacks his pud. So thus fornicating with another woman that isnt you. Thats how I personally feel about it. I know how you feel I will sleep in all hours get up and just look at my mess of a house and go back to sleep I feel disgusting and you can't do anything but pull your OWN self out of it. He has the problem. I got in touch with old crushes and old friend men on the internet and we just talk nothing risky just conversation with a man that tells you youre pretty and holds a conversation with nothing else on your mind or nothing you are mad about it a big amount a fresh air. My fiance knows i talk to them and sometimes he gets a kick out of the things they say too. Its all about your trust level, if you trust eachother you can work through ANYTHING. So work on that getting your self confidence back up and getting your trust level back up there so you can relax and be able to put yourself in a better emotional state because NO ONE should have to feel like you do. Its so selfish of men to think its ok. And its not. So go get your hair done do your nails put on some makeup, buy some new underwear and tight jeans make yourself feel good about YOU. Feel better for YOU =]