I know I need to make some changes, but can't put my finger on what I need to change

**torn2pieces** · 11-03-2010 11:27 AM

My fiance has some issues with me and I have a hard time fixing them and even recognizing them. The reason I believe his side and his opinion, is because his complaints with me are the same I have with my mother. When he explains his issue with me, it sounds exactly like me complaining about my mother. The issue is owning up to what you did wrong, fully accepting responsibility, no excuses. When someone does this to you, as in my Mother, it's not a direct action of theirs, but it's all over their bodily actions and the way they do or don't say sorry. I agree with him, but I don't know what steps to take to change. We have been together for 3, almost 4 years and he has been addressing this for 2 years now. It's not a quick change, or a change of action, I feel it could take long term counseling (which I have no money for) or if I loose him, maybe I will see it. I'm scared of loosing him, having an unhappy relationship and I want self improvment and of course I do not want to be like my mother. What should I do?

**lizzardb63** · 11-03-2010 12:52 PM

Well what do you do that makes him upset???

**torn2pieces** · 11-03-2010 01:44 PM

I always find out something new I do that irritates, and those things usually come out in arguments, which occur very very often. But the main thing is I am loose at the tounge, I say what it takes to get his reaction/attention to the situation. You may say I hit below the belt, I say a lot of unnecessary insults and just mean things. I bring up old issues but just by throwing out a smart remark. I say he don't care when he does.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-06-2010 02:52 PM

Attention seeking... It may be that you had to defend yourself all the time with your Mother, and maybe had to do naughty things as a child to gain attention as her way of communication wasn't really there, her love more cold, as her up-bringing was the same... Does that ring a bell?

What "new things" do you do that irritates, give an example.

Your picking arguements, putting him down, calling him names, to gage attention, to win an arguement, or to have him get mad, which in itself is attention...

It generally stems from childhood . What you have to understand is you have attention, you have a man whom has been in your life for 4 years willingly, only you have to see exactly what your fear is as well, one day people have enough of that and walk...

Post it sticker - The past is the past...

Start with that line and read it 3 times a day every day for 2 months... When you read it visualise two things, your past/his past and your Mother and your past.... As soon as you go to speak, remember, past is past and zip it

Your also angry over your past, possibly with your Mother... Write a list of all the things that bothered you that you were angry at that you didn't understand why she did that, said that and then go and sit with her and go through it and tell her you just want to understand..

Be calm and rational and LISTEN... Often parents offer tough love, they offer cold love, they don't listen, they wrap you up in cotton wool, all the time, they think they are doing the right thing, and often they have their own problems, on-going and won't share them with their children other than to bring out their frustration on them....

It may be time as "adults" you both talked as adults, girly talk, and that's what you need to ask her for ...

Without closure on past, it's hard to live in the present or get on with the future.

CW