I could use some advice

**Danyell** · 11-03-2010 01:43 PM

Yesterday I found a link to a porn site on my computer. I know my husband struggles with watching porn and we've had talks about it. Sometimes I'm okay with it, sometimes I'm not. That is not the issue though. I think I can handle that problem. I started snooping after I found the link to see what else he was up to. I found one of 4 chats with an asian women. There was a lot of flirting, sexual acts via web cam, and some actual conversations. I don't know what to think or where to go from here. The porn, and even sex cams I can deal with by talking to him, but this was like a short relationship! It is not going on any longer, and It was only 4 conversations (hours long though). I feel like he cheated on me! Can anyone offer some advice as to where to go from here. I have talked to him, but I don't know if that was enough.

**lizzardb63** · 11-03-2010 01:51 PM

What does he say when you ask him about it? How long ago did this go on?

**Danyell** · 11-03-2010 02:52 PM

I enjoyed your quote. thank you. He was in Korea for 5 weeks for work in May. It happened then. I told him I feel like it is the same as cheating and it makes me feel that given the right circumstances he would cheat in person. He says absolutely not, but I know sexually he is week, I don't know if I believe him. He doesn't seem like he feels it was that big of a deal.

**Danyell** · 11-03-2010 03:08 PM

My husband had 4 on-line encounters with the same women which included flirting, sex via web cam, and actual conversation. I found out yesterday. It happened months ago and he swears it was only 4 times and he's done, but I feel like he cheated on me and don't know how to handle it! He has porn issues too, so I know sexually he is weak. He really is a great guy, and a good dad, but I can't just let him off the hook! can I? I know it will be in my mind for months and months, probably longer. You know how we women are. Forgive, but super hard to forget. I'm just sad, hurt, and confused how to handle it,

**Danyell** · 11-03-2010 04:05 PM

so I thought if I re-wrote and labeled my post it would get more responses. (I am feeling kinda desperate for info) apparently it just put the 2 posts together. sorry about the redundancy.

**LanaBear** · 11-03-2010 04:08 PM

We don't allow duplicate posts, so it was combined with your original post.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 11-03-2010 04:16 PM

Patience my friend.... you'll get responses.

No man (in his right mind) is EVER going to admit to his wife that he would cheat on her given the right situation. Some would, some wouldn't. You really have no way of knowing that. So let's focus on what we do know for sure:

-Your husband looks at porn. You say that sometimes you're okay with that, sometimes you're not. I'm not sure what that means. How is he supposed to know when it's okay and when it's not?
-You obviously have trust issues with him, or you wouldn't have found the link and then searched for other things. I'm in no way saying you're wrong for this, but want to know what has caused the trust issues?
-He has been chatting with other women in sexually explicit ways.
-He has been webcamming with other women in sexually explicit ways.
-You believe he is sexually weak. What if you were sexually weak?? Would this behaviour be okay with him if the situation were reversed?

Whether or not he'd physically cheat on you is irrelevant. In his mind, he's cheating on you already when he's web-camming and chatting with these other women in ways that are inappropriate for a husband to be doing behind his wifes back. He thinks because it's on the computer and not in person he's safe. But he's not....because the hurt is the same. Unless he's willing to admit that, there's little chance of you two healing and rebuilding trust.

**WildChild** · 11-03-2010 04:30 PM

I'd add some questions. How is your sex life? Is he affectionate? Are you satisfied? Do you believe he is sexually satisfied?

**Danyell** · 11-03-2010 05:56 PM

thanks for responding

As for what I meant by it's okay sometimes and other I'm not; I guess that is complicated. It has been an on and of issue for us for just over 2 years now. I was hurt when I first found out he was doing it. I was pregnant at the time and feeling very insecure with myself. He assured me it had nothing to do with me and he just enjoyed doing it from time to time. I decided I could except that. We would watch it together sometimes. But then I found him looking at mostly teen porn, and I was not okay with that. Then I found out he was looking at it daily, and I was not okay with that. We talked and he said he would quit and I should ask him frequently if he had been watching it to keep him in check. I thought all was well. He had said he hadn't every time I asked for about 8 months now. Which I found out was a complete lie every time he said it. I confronted him yesterday with everything I found out, including the chat. He was honest with me about the fact that he had never stopped looking and the time line of everything, and even admitted to stuff I didn't ask him about. I believe he was honest then. I do not know if I can trust him to be honest again though. Every time I confront him about something like this we talk and I feel like it did some good. This time I do not think it really did. He is a great guy, in every way but this. We have 2 small kids that he is a great dad to.
As for our sex life, it is usually great. I am currently still recovering from the recent birth of our second child, so it has been a month or so now since we have had sex, but that was not the issue back in May when he had this affair. I was pregnant then, but we still had sex frequently and I was hardly showing at that point. We even had sex via web cam once while he was on this trip. The idea that he set up on-line dates with this women and then hid the evidence is driving me crazy!!!!! They were deliberate meetings. That is cheating!

**Beautiful Disaster** · 11-04-2010 06:40 AM

They were deliberate meetings. That is cheating!

I agree wholeheartedly. He has a history of lying and hiding things from you. It sounds like you gave an inch (saying okay to looking at porn sometimes and even watched it with him) and he took a mile (viewing teen porn daily, lying about it, and eventually having online affairs). With his history, it's going to be very hard to trust him, to know when he's telling you the absolute truth, or when he's just telling you whatever he feels like he has to.

I know you must be tired, stressed and very busy with two kiddos (one a newborn), but I think if you plan on staying in this marriage, you both need to attend counseling together.