Is my husband having an emotional affair?

**Halle** · 11-09-2010 03:01 AM

My husband and I have been together for three years. In the last 5 months, he started talking more and more with this girl who is only 18 or 19 years old (he's much older); she serves him coffee almost every day.

I found out that he meets her for her coffee breaks in the morning while I'm still sleeping, and has been chatting with her through Facebook and text messages. One month I saw on our phone bill that he had texted her more in one month than he and I had texted eachother.

On another occasion, I came home sick from work, and was surprised to see that he was awake when he usually sleeps during the day. He told me that he was going for lunch with some other girl that works at the same place as the other one. He said that "_____ wants to go for lunch."

When I asked how this random "lunch arrangement" happened, he said that they had a discussion in the morning about this place he was going for lunch, and he asked her to go with him, "jokingly," and she said yes.

I don't think either of these scenarios are appropriate, but I don't know how to talk about it with him.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 11-09-2010 06:22 AM

It doesn't sound appropriate. But it's crucial that you sit down with him and talk about it, let him know how it's making you feel. Loss of trust will destroy a marriage and he needs to understand that. Find a time when you can calmly talk to him, but firmly, let him know what is okay with you and what is not okay with you. Discuss it. You'll get more of a take on it once you talk to him about it more than just in passing. Sounds quite inappropriate based on what you've said.

**KMonte85** · 11-09-2010 07:08 AM

I sure would not be happy with his actions. This may not have gotten completely out of hand yet, but it sure is a slippery slope. He should not be carrying on with this girl outside of a "hi how are ya" when he goes for coffee. FB messages, multiple texts, and "impromtpu" secret lunches with a young single woman are NOT appropriate for a married man.

You need to sit him down when you both are away from outside distractions and talk. Turn off the TV, turn off the phones, and talk. Tell him that you need to speak with him about something important, and let him know EXACTLY without any sugar coating just how his actions with this girl make you feel, and that you want it to stop.

**SSDS** · 11-09-2010 07:55 AM

I wonder if he would treat the matter as casually if it were you who were meeting up and texting with other guys. Cheating or not, it seems pretty disrespectful. Like BD said, you have to share your concerns with him, if only to ease your mind. Trust, or lack of, can be a major breaking point in a relationship. If you can't trust your partner, who can you trust?

**ku1234** · 11-09-2010 11:04 AM

So let me see if I have this right... He has been meeting her for coffee, while you were home sleeping and never shared this with you before? Or is it something new that started? Either way, I believe communicating with each other is crucial. Sure we don't have to share every detail in our lives with our spouses, but when you are meeting someone else on a regular basis, that should be shared. Has he ever asked you to join them for coffee? Regardless, I agree with the above, you need to share your concerns with him. Perhaps talking about it with him, will ease your worries.

**Halle** · 11-09-2010 06:31 PM

Thank you all for your input. It's great to have a place where you can run scenarios by other people who aren't personally involved.

I had a discussion with my husband one day when I noticed our phone bill and he admitted that he had been chatting with her on facebook and that she just seemed like a little sister, and what they were talking about was harmless. He told me that they were talking about her current new relationship, and he was giving her advice because she had never had a boyfriend before. Last week, I asked him how his morning was, and since we both go for coffee at the same place, I asked him if anybody I knew was working. He acted like he couldn't remember. When I asked him what he had been up to that morning, he said he had coffee with that girl. He said she was going to break up with her boyfriend.

That night, I told my husband that I missed the days when we used to go for breakfast before work, so could we go out the next day? So he took me to this place, where that girl told me all about how they talk all the time, and that she wanted to come over one day and see our new place. She acted like we were all buddies. I had no idea what to say, so I didn't say anything.

I brought it up to my husband later and he said that he invited her and her boyfriend over to watch a movie one day. Which is funny because I thought she was breaking up with her boyfriend. The story just didn't seem right to me...

I asked him yesterday if she had broken up with her boyfriend, and he said yes, and talked about how the guy was all upset. Apparently she and my husband were chatting on the weekend at her work while I was out with some girls for the night.

**Halle** · 11-09-2010 06:42 PM

I have to say, though, other than this, my husband and I have had a great relationship all along. We are really happy and have so much in common. We are both normally very open about talking about things, and can usually talk about anything. This is why I am so bewildered about this whole situation.

I have to admit that if this is really something innocent and harmless between them, that I am not about to be buddies with her. I know that just being around her makes me feel weird. I am a very accepting person who can usually be quite friendly and welcoming towards most people, but since all this has happened, I don't think that I should have to be friends with her just because my husband has some sort of friendship with her. Besides, I don't have much in common with 18/19 year olds, as I am much older.

**Moa** · 11-10-2010 02:28 AM

Dear Halle,

I must say that if I were you I wouldn't be happy at all. Even though it may still be harmless, it's just strange that a married guy who is much older found a very young girl to be his soul mate... I really don't know but I smell a rat here and I would definitely talk to him about it seriously again. You say that you have a really good relationship with your husband so in that case he must listen and understand that you are not comfortable with the situation at all. You are his beloved wife and she is just some girl from a cafe. And he should be concerned about your feelings more than anybody else's. Hope it all works out well for you and that this girl is really like a "little sister" for him (which is strange nevertheless...). Take care!

**Hopeless Dork** · 11-10-2010 06:02 AM

Bleah. Its a tough call. Likely she isn't interested in him in that way. A lot of times girls do like having some older guy to talk to , a father/big brother figure .. and girls of all age can appreciate attention from someone -- but she is too young likely to realize how innappropriate it is to be 'buddies' with a married man. He , on the other hand... knows good and well him going on lunch dates with a girl, meeting her for coffee etc.. texting her all day and emailing... isn't the actions a married man should take if he wants to have a happy wife.

What is he gaining from this is what you might want to try to ask yourself. You mention he sleeps all day, does he work nights? Or does he not work at all? I think sometimes a guy can fall into that 'big/brother- father father role' to someone when they want to feel 'important' to a young girl just his age and experience is enough to make him seem like someone she can turn to. But I guess the real question is, what is he expecting to gain by playing dr. phil?

Is he this way with EVERYONE? Is it just in his nature to meet for lunch with anyone and be there for ANYONE with problems? Or is this a new thing, and only applicable to her? If she were unnattractive or a guy, would he have invited him for lunch? Would he have invited her over or text her all day? I'm going to guess... no.

He sounds bored, not with you... but with life in general, to be taking on a dependant relationship while you are out working. Is he suffering from self-esteem issues? Sounds like he's desperate for an ego-boost, that he'll take this girls attention even if its completly self-centered attention (help me, my boyfriends upset, make me feel good). I know that some guys like to play the 'hero', thinking it will earn them brownie points down the road... but those guys are usually single... and end up in the no-action getting friend zone.

So while him playing buddy buddy is not likely to sweep her off her feet.. his intentions are what would make me feel bad about all of it.

Do you think he feels down about himself, maybe he thinks you don't see him as a man? And is looking for some girl to look up to him to feel like one? Not saying this is your fault, gosh no. But what I mean is it seems like this girl is filling up some kind of need in him.. perhaps she makes him feel useful where he otherwise wouldnt?

**Seniora** · 11-10-2010 10:38 PM

Hopeless Dork - what an excellent response; well done!! Yes, you are very right on a number of levels. The man does sound bored and you may have nailed it. I got the feeling he WAS working night shifts.

Let me tell you about one of my experiences. I was teaching in a comprehensive highschool 4 years ago. I became very friendly with the D/P as we shared a similar love of music. The rest of the staff thought he was a dork - yes, he was self-actualizing and self-conscious but I didn't care...he loved music and that was enough for me. I was on a contract teaching position which was due to expire at Xmas. The thought flashed through my mind that he might buy me a classical CD when I left - this idea had no basis in fact or experience. It was an absolute instinct. Sure enough, on the last day I saw a lovely, wrapped CD in my pigeon-hole with a little, very personal, note - kisses included. No other staff member, to my knowledge, got anything at all from him, and they were mystified when I walked into the staffroom with my present!! I was flattered, naturally, as he was a hunk 6 years my junior. But I thought it inappropriate. I invited he and his wife to our place for Xmas drinks, to de-fuse the issue (so I would get work again, too, at the school the next year). She came along and is very nice. The next year rolled over and not one single day's work did I get. He finally saw me months later when I turned up at the school to return a book a colleague had lent (on the presumption that I'd be back at the school and could give it to her then). He heard my voice and came into the staffroom, beaming. I was smouldering with anger and ignored him. He cost me my job!! He gave some lame excuse. Months later he was FORCED to phone me after all others had turned down a gig teaching an advanced class. He said he'd take me for coffee to explain and apologise. I turned up, eager to hear what he had to say, and his wife was joining us!! I was angry because my husband could have come too, if I had known she'd be there (and it was ostensibly on BUSINESS). I think she got wind of the fact he was meeting me. That's all I can deduce. He WAS interested in me - I'm sure of it - but she stopped it dead in its tracks. So, IT WASN'T HARMLESS AFTER ALL. I lost my job, and did nothing wrong.

My advice to this blogger is get that 18/19 year old out of your marriage!!! She obviously knows something you don't!