Wife and Mother-in-law

**wife1973** · 11-10-2010 09:34 AM

Hi there~

I’m new to this forum, and I really need some help.

Here is my story. I’ve been married for almost 14 years now, and my mother-in-law I have never gotten along. It got better for a little while. We were seeing her some, and she was letting us live our lives. Now she has moved 2 miles from us (apartment to house), a new baby is in the picture, and everything is much worse. I feel so alone…like my husband does not love me. We have made 2 beautiful children together, and it seems he is pushing me to the waste side, and allowing his mom to run over me over and over. We had a huge blow-up last week, and my husband let me take all of her abuse. He just stood there. I finally had enough a left the house. She kept him from leaving. She went to a divorce seminar recently, and wanted to ask questions how he felt when she and dad got divorced when he was 12 (23 years ago!). Why would she go to a divorce seminar in the first place, and why tear open a 20-year bandage? I’m so confused. Oh - My husband does not feel he should take my side, because he wants to be a good son.
My m-i-l is not married, and my husband is the only child.

Any help would be so appreciated….

Thanks,

**pretzel** · 11-10-2010 09:47 AM

Well, first and foremost your husband doesn't know where his loyalties lie. Momma's boy it seems. But chances are you already knew that.

As for your particular dilema, it sounds like you MIL is bored and wants to feel useful again. You and he have a new baby and now Gradmom has a new purpose in life, at your expense.

Hubby needs to deal with this, not as much as you do. Hubby needs to decide which has top billing, you or her.

**wife1973** · 11-10-2010 11:00 AM

Thanks for replying. I agree with you. I feel like she is bored too, and now we are her new entertainment.

I tried talking to my hubby last night, and didn’t turn out good. My heart is just broken. I’m not sure if I can continue to have his mom treat me bad, and my hubby not stand up for me – the mother of his kids. I feel like my life is being torn away from underneath my feet. It is such a helpless feeling. Not sure why…but I always thought someday he would be on my side. I guess that was just a dream. Maybe he doesn’t love me like I love him.

I have tried to make things better, but it doesn't help. I give an inch, and she takes a mile.

So sad.

**pretzel** · 11-10-2010 11:15 AM

I know the feeling all too well. You feel like you're constantly slamming your head against the wall.

A sad irony is that you felt deep in your heart that things would change. Sounds like this isn't a new issue and you've been on the short end of the stick more than once.

**wife1973** · 11-10-2010 11:47 AM

It’s been too many times to count – unfortunately.
My hubby is starting to bully me too now about this. His mother wants all 3 of us to sit down to see if we can make things better. I declined the offer, because it will be her drilling me, and my hubby letting her. I don’t think I need the abuse, and we’ve already tried this.
I pray my marriage can survive this round of my MIL.

**pretzel** · 11-10-2010 12:03 PM

Originally Posted by wife1973

It’s been too many times to count – unfortunately.
My hubby is starting to bully me too now about this. His mother wants all 3 of us to sit down to see if we can make things better. I declined the offer, because it will be her drilling me, and my hubby letting her. I don’t think I need the abuse, and we’ve already tried this.
I pray my marriage can survive this round of my MIL.

I don't necessarily agree with you not sitting down with them, it would hopefully allow you the one chance to clear the air. It would also give you some clarity of just where you stand with both of them if you don't already know.

I best you'll have your voice heard even if it's not understood.

**wife1973** · 11-10-2010 12:23 PM

This will not be the first time. The first time my MIL and me went to a counselor to see if we could get some help (my idea). It turned into a pointing game, and the counselor split us up 15 minutes into our session. She also said it's not between his mom and me, it should be between us (me and hubby) and her, and said we need counseling to know how to deal with her. We went to counseling for about 3 months, and man it made a world of difference. It pissed off my MIL though, because my hubby was on my side. My MIL even missed our son’s 1st b-day (no call or anything), because she said we were not respecting her needs. Our counselor even told me without my hubby around - my MIL is not someone easy to work with.

Do you still feel the same way about us talking?

**pretzel** · 11-10-2010 12:34 PM

Originally Posted by wife1973

This will not be the first time. The first time my MIL and me went to a counselor to see if we could get some help (my idea). It turned into a pointing game, and the counselor split us up 15 minutes into our session. She also said it's not between his mom and me, it should be between us (me and hubby) and her, and said we need counseling to know how to deal with her. We went to counseling for about 3 months, and man it made a world of difference. It pissed off my MIL though, because my hubby was on my side. My MIL even missed our son’s 1st b-day (no call or anything), because she said we were not respecting her needs. Our counselor even told me without my hubby around - my MIL is not someone easy to work with.

Do you still feel the same way about us talking?

Even though you know it would be an exercise in futulity, yeah. Conversation might only last 5 minutes, but then it couldn't be used as a weapon against you. "We tried, she started her antics, I'm done."

Any way to change the focus and try to get you hubby to see your side on a more consistent basis? Thinking aloud but I think I already know your answer - No.

**wife1973** · 11-10-2010 12:46 PM

See your point. I’m not sure if I can pull myself together enough… Her and my hubby is making me feel like I’m the low man on the totem pole. I will have to think about this.

No. My hubby is just so depressed about his mother, and is worried about her, and being a good son. I sure wish I could have him see my side. I ask this morning if he would be willing to go to counseling. He came back with – We can’t afford it. I told him I’m sure we can find a way to spare $20 a week for a month or two.

Why do I feel like I’m trying to make my hubby love me….?

**pretzel** · 11-10-2010 12:56 PM

I'm pretty sure you'll make the decision that you feel is best for you.

I'd really try to convince him and offer ways to pay for the counseling. Offer to him things you (just you) could cut back on to pay for it. That would let him know how important it is to you and that you'll take the responsibility for making sure you have the money.