Thread: Helping your husband say goodbye to his mother

Hi Everyone,

I really need some advice today. My mother-n-law was diagnosed with Alzheimer's about 5 years ago and is at about stage 6 now. She came to visit about 1 month ago because she needed to tell her son something, this is what she told my father-n-law.

When she arrived at our home, I greeted her outside like I always do and she couldn't get to me fast enough. She hugged me so tight and called me by her daughters name, it broke my heart. She doesn't remember my name anymore, but she does remember she loves me.

My husband greeted her inside and she hugged him for what seemed like forever. There are no words to define this women, she is everything good. She is the mother of 5 children, 4 sons and 1 daughter. Being a mother is her greatest joy in life, and she is trying so hard not to forget her children.

This visit was for my husband, he is a self admitted momma's boy and very proud to be her son. He is her youngest son and loves her more than words. Her "mission" this visit was to tell him, "I am your mother, I gave birth to you, I took care of you and I love you'! She repeated these things over and over, it was so important to her that he knew. While saying these words to him, she gently rubbed his face.

I try so hard to be strong for my husband but this is breaking my heart. I had to leave the room a lot because I started to cry. He is dealing with this, by not dealing with it. We do talk about his mother frequently because I am afraid not to talk about it. I have educated myself about Alzheimer's and I know what is coming.

Both of my parents are still living and I don't know how to help him say goodbye to his mother. How do you say goodbye to someone that is still with you?

P.S. To all the daughter-n-laws that have a great second mother (mother-n-law): Take the time after reading this to send a card, flowers or make a call, let her know how much you love her. Good husbands come from great mothers.

P.S.S. To my second mother Mary, I will always love you. You gave to me the greatest gift in my life, my husband, the father of my children and the best Papa to our grandchildren. You gave me the best part of you. ~te quiero mama~

Oh, dear, you brought tears to my eyes. I tried to reflect on how to "say goodbye" whilst living with them...it's quite difficult to do. I lived with my grand mother and grandfather and personally cared for them at home until they died. Fortunately, they did remember us - every one of the caregivers in our family. We often made it a game for them - "Who am I? What's my name?" - that kind of thing, especially when they were bedridden and visitors/relatives drop by. In our culture, it is taboo to send an aging loved one to a hospice or retirement home, and in our family, it is the norm to look after your parents/grandparents when they are old, the same way they looked after you when you were little.

How do you say goodbye to someone you love, whose still with you, with Alzheimer'? I guess there is no way to do that. At least, deep in my heart, I couldn't. I'd shower them with more love and attention as long as they live. For as long as they are breathing, and feeling, it wouldn't matter to me whether they wouldn't know my name.

I, too, have a wonderful mother-in-law, and I do love her dearly. And as you have said, good husbands come from great mothers - that is true. I make it a point to ease her of her household duties/kitchen chores when we visit. Hubby and I would busy ourselves in our kitchen preparing them meals and she gets to just sit, relax and watch TV.

I think, the best way to help your husband through this is to let him know you are always by his side, loving and understanding, supporting him....caring and nurturing his mom together.

Bless your heart....