need a bit of support!

**sprucey** · 11-12-2010 01:53 PM

Hi everyone,have never used a chat forumbefore but really feel the need right now....yesterday my husband of 23 years left me,after telling me a week previously that he was in klove with another woman since August.We live on an island in Spain,she lives on the mainland but has been over a few times since they met,and constantly on the phone (I realise now) They have only met up about 10 times,but he says he´s in love with her,cant get her out of his head and that if he stayed with me now he´d be unhappy. He says he wasnt unhappy before,just that this thing happened.He had an affair 5 years ago which we worked through and,I beleived,came out stronger from...but he says this one is different,and he cant fight it.We have 2 great kids who are devastated,and who he loves dearly but is prepared to walk away from us.He has moved to a place round the corner,alone at the moment but she´ll be here soon no doubt,now she knows she has him.Meanwhile I´m left at home with the kids(thank god for them) just walking around shell shocked and grieving,looking around at 23 years of building up a home together,and he just blew it all away for someone he´s only just met. I still cant get my head round it,and was just hoping someone out there who is or has been in a simliar dark place could give me a bit of help and advice.....thank you.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 11-12-2010 02:17 PM

You are definitely going through a horrible time......and you have definitely come to the right place. Here, you will find so many women who understand, who are or have been in your shoes and know what it's like.

Sometimes we put blinders on because we want things to turn out the way WE want them to. Don't beat yourself up for trying to make your marriage work. But understand that even if he came back today and said he was wrong, you'd have no marriage left to work out. You lost what a real marriage is back when he cheated the first time. And I'd venture to guess it's never been the same since. Yet I'd also venture to guess it has taken a tremendous amount of work from you in order to make it work. You've done your work, you've given it your all.....and now it is time to grieve, embrace your beautiful children....and know that life has so much more in store for you than this. It does my friend....because this, with him in misery, being cheated on, being tossed aside like yesterdays trash, is NOT where you were meant to be.

He is "in love" with another.... but he doesn't know what love is like you do. He, even with her, will never have the kind of love you are capable of having, because he doesn't understand it. He understands temptation, sneaking, excitement, lust.

Grieve him.....and let him go. Embrace the good you got out of those 23 years....and move forward in your life. There's MUCH more in store for you. And whatever you do, don't ever let him back in. He doesn't deserve you.

**sprucey** · 11-12-2010 03:00 PM

Thank you so much for those kind words...and Iknow in my heart of hearts that you are right,he doesnt deserve me,as my friends keep saying....but they are all truly shocked because he is,deep down,a good person,and as they say we always seemed such a solid happy couple....but he is obviously weak,he knows I am hurting and hasnt reproached me for anything,or got defensive,out of guilt as sometimes people do...he is listening to me and taking all my rantings without trying to justificate...which perhaps is harder because it just seems all such a waste. I have told him that I do think one day he will regret it....which obviously I hope he does...he says he might do,he doesnt know,but that he has to go with it. And that I may find someone someday and be happier,as if that makes it all ok! I suppose time will tell,but as I said to him....after 23 years together I know him better than anyone does,and him me....its just such a great shame...

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-13-2010 04:44 PM

Welcome sprucey,

Without a doubt, we look at our age and think, 23 years, now what and our heart breaks when something like this happens...

But, your husband, best friend of all of those years, is going with a new passion, that will more than likely turn into mundane at some point at which time as he did before, 5 years ago, he'll question why he went down this path...

It's easy to get caught up in the new, the excitement, the "something different", she doesn't know him, you do, the bad habits

The maybe, non closeness, a hug here and there, no understanding of emotions, a person can not change, he has to eventually go back to that...

If you wrote yourself a list of all the things you missed in that marriage that you wanted, not material but togetherness, laughter, sexual fantasies, being held often, looked in the eye, kissed, date nights, teenagers, it would be a longer list than you thought....

Don't sit back and feel cheated on, you were already cheated on ... and it's happened again, but this time, he's walked so that it's not classed as that and maybe if you think about it, your marriage may have been "best friends" it takes a lot to feel like a teenager on-going year after year with each other...

You now can do all the things you missed doing, you've gained your independence as well, to be who you want, to do the things you want, and to find those things that you've also missed out on, when your ready....

What if you find a man who gives you so much love and so much more than you have ever had? Then it won't be a shame, rather, that friendship as you both go on with your lives, then you will realise all you've missed perhaps....

People think the grass is greener, when the grass was already green just needed fertilizing, loving and hard work... One gave up I suspect, but as I said, he will miss you and he will not like you dating others and he will realise later down the track, that it was "lust" not love that made him walk ....

Sure, it may work for them they may be on the same page... But, as I said, was he really all you ever dreamed of .... write that list and find out..

CW

**sprucey** · 11-15-2010 02:31 PM

Thank you for your words.....I´m on a rollercoaster here....yesterday he came round sobbing,saying he missed us,that he wanted to try again and try and forget this woman,even though he still loved her.....then today he sent me a message saying he was still confused...then came round earlier,and it turns out shes left her job on the mainland and is coming over in two weeks.....so she´s obviously got wind and decided to get here before its too late.So now I just have to let him go and try and steel myself for seeing them together and know that they are just around the corner from me.I really dont know how I´m going to cope with that,just the thought is tearing me apart,I´m trying to be strong for the kids but its so so hard,and the last thing I think about is meeting anyone else....Inever thought that would ever be an option for a start.Thanks for listening.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-15-2010 03:29 PM

Hey sprucey,

Don't allow yourself to be on the end of a fishing line, reel you in, send you out, reel you in, send you out..

His emotions may be stuffed, but don't allow him to play with yours....

He said " even though I still love her" you do not want/or need to have a man your married to blatantly make that statement...

Your reply is, I'm not prepared to take you back or try again and hang up...

You have no idea what that will do to him, he was assuring that if it doesn't work out, your still going to be there, that is why he made that statement and withdrew it...

CW

**sprucey** · 11-22-2010 06:58 AM

well he kept reeling me in all week...texting saying he still loved me and wanted to forget the other woman and try again....this is all while she isnt here....then tells me on Friday he cant forget her,and she´ll be over soon....so right back to square one.I know I have tolet go with dignity,but its so hard when I do still love him and miss him....everything feels so unreal,and doing paperwork of separating accounts etc. is just so sad. Such a great shame...and now I dread seeing them walking down the street together....I dont even know what she looks like.Feeling pretty low at the moment.

**WildChild** · 11-22-2010 07:06 AM

CW is right he is playing you because he thinks you will wait in reserve while he monkeys around. You took him back before, he wants to eat his cake and have it too. Some people do make lasting relationships with a partner who has other interests on the side. But we haven't been socialized that way and really if that is what he wants then it should be an open relationship, you should be able to play too. I'll bet that wouldn't go over well with him.

Unless that is what you want, you will have to be firm and stick to your posistion. Do you want to be sharing every few years? Or would you rather move on an find a man who can love you with clarity and who will truly be present with you emotionally and physically?

**Beautiful Disaster** · 11-22-2010 07:14 AM

Hey there...glad to see you back. Sorry to hear things are still going rough for you, but that's expected with what you're going through. This may be a long road to healing, but you will get there. What will help you is when you can break the communication ties with him. I realize there must be some level of communication due to finances/kids/house/etc, but I mean the type of communication where he tries to reel you back in. When you can get to the point where you totally cut him off unless he wants to speak business, you will heal MUCH faster. He's manipulating you right now, he's playing with your heart which makes what he's done to you even worse. Because not only has he disregarded you enough to cheat on you...but now he is showing you he cares even less about your feelings by playing with you like you're a toy. He wants his cake and to eat it too. He wants her, wants to flit around and play his little games.........but he wants to keep you on the string in case it doesn't work out like he hopes, then he's got his nice comfy relationship to crawl back into.

Don't try to figure him out. You won't. And you'll exhaust yourself trying. When you're talking to him and he starts any sort of conversation about this, cut him off. YOU don't need it. YOU don't need to hear what he has to say right now...because his actions speak louder than any words he could say. And his actions are speaking VOLUMES.