Found e-mails my BF had been sending to other men!!

**extremely-confused** · 11-15-2010 10:30 PM

Ok this is my 3rd time posting and i'm not sure why it's not working but im getting very irritated and frustrated!!!

I've been with my BF for 6 yr's in January, we have a 4 yr old daughter, and we recently moved to another cities 2 hour's from our home town to start a new life, we have had a lot of relationship issues with his lies and infidelity, we broke up in September 2009, and got back together November 2009 and thing's we're going so good for us..
Going through some box's I found a post it with an email address with a password on it, one of his i had never seen before.. Being curious i checked it and was very shocked at what i found..
In his sent messages I found a nude photo from 2009 of my BF from the neck down that he had sent to another male!!
In the inbox October 2010 he had responded to a craigslist posting labeled "looking for a friend" my BF's response started out normal, he described himself, said he is into movies, drinking beer, watching games and to rub one out, yes i said it RUB ONE OUT.. Now i tried and tried to see it as a typo, but just seeing that he had sent a nude photo of himself the yr prior to a male there was no mistaking it!!..
I then signed onto his yahoo messenger and the two guy's screen names were on there, they were online and both didn't remember him, but wasted no time jumping into sexual conversation!! I had to log out because i was so disgusted..
I didnt know how to confront it so while he was at work i played it off that someone labeled "C" (which happened to be the first initial of the most recent male's name) and said he had emailed me saying sweety your BF is gay, i finally tracked down his "real identity" CL much?? (CL = Craigslist) adding in obviously clues he had been caught, then said what is CL?? I then thought ok if he is gay it may be a scary situation for him, so i texted him again saying by all means if it's true then please feel free to tell me, i wont judge you, im sure it's nothing but im confused..
He of course was like WTF where is this coming from, really you gonna tell me maybe i am??

I stated the obvious about our lack of sex, his recent facisnation with anal sex and always wanting a BJ, as well as i know i have gained weight (i gained 50lbs i can't loose from our daughter i'm 200lbs 5'4) but it's not normal to not want to have sex (we maybe have sex 1-2x's a month) there are other guy's who would love to be with me.. His only response was "wow".. I also said i dont know how wow is even a response i expected a different response maybe like a wtf that's shits not true, not a WOW,just let me know im non judgmental but i wont stay.. I also added that he never answered that it's either a yes and we take it from there, or no and we move on like everything else.. all he said was dude im not ing gay or bi-sexual.. that was the end of that..

I don't even know what to think, i never thought i'd have issues with another MAN!! Is he gay/bi-sexual, confused, passing time???? I don't have answers to my question's that are running through my mind.. I'm hoping maybe this makes him see that now that i may know something is up that he wont do it ever again, but if he is gay/bi-sexual this can't be the end of it!!

The whole reason we moved was to start a new life together after all we had been through, this isn't the fresh start i was expecting, all opinions are 100% welcomed, i'm so confused.. How many other men could he have possibly encountered on craigslist..

**LanaBear** · 11-15-2010 10:37 PM

First things first.... I think you need to get tested. Whether or not you believe he may have ever actually physically cheated or not, one can never be too careful.

And... I think the only way you are going to even remotely possibly get the answers to all of this is to come clean with what exactly you found, how and why. UGH, I hate the whole snooping aspect of it, I really do, but what's done is done and now, well, you deserve to know the truth, but he also deserves to know all that you do know. Make sense?

I feel for you, I sure as heck would never want to go through something like this. I would be at a complete loss too.

**BasketCase** · 11-15-2010 11:03 PM

I have two girlfriends who meet, married, had kids with a man. Then they came out as gay later. It's not unheard of. Perhaps he was just goofing off. You must let him know what you found and give him a chance to explain himself

**caterpillar79** · 11-15-2010 11:44 PM

Yup, i second Lana on that - be tested for every possible thing passed on to you. Now, you do not want to overthink and over-analyze things as they would all be tainted with your current emotional state. If it is possible, have some away time and let a few days pass to evaluate how you'd want to take things from there.

You could ask for a "time out" to yourself (with your daughter or you could bring her to your family if it's warranted), and then both of you could agree on when you could come together to talk about the whole issue - when you, especially are more level minded.

**whit4488** · 11-16-2010 07:10 AM

i had a relationship similar to this, he was "bi-curious" he finally admitted, i came to realize it was a phase, it held his interest for a while but when he actually was talking to guys on CL and they wanted to come over and "play" he would always find an excuse not to. he just couldnt face it that he actually might be interested in men...anyway, i wasnt interested in this at all what so ever, i did leave.

**WildChild** · 11-16-2010 07:20 AM

If he is curious you both need to know just how curious? He needs to get this resolved.

If he's bi it's same same as any other fidelity situation. Screwing around is screwing around, if you are up for an open relationship it doesn't have to be a big deal. If he is gay you both need to know that too. It's not like a preference for brunettes over blondes.

If it was a curiosity thing, there is probably a leaning toward bi. I don't know about the younger generation in general but certainly in mine men are pretty clear on that. If they aren't gay or bi, they have a pretty strong ick factor for other men and anything even slightly sexual, except watching them in action in porn ?? go figure. I guess that's kind of like being connected to your team? Anyway he needs to get clear as to where he really is with this. Its vital to his emotional health and your sanity.

**stressed** · 11-16-2010 03:22 PM

I used to believe that real straight men can never be curious to that level. But men seem to have gone crazy lately so one can never be sure about anything.

If he's bi and denies it then you will never make him admit it until it's too late (as this isn't something that goes away). If he's straight and curious, I don't know, each to their own I guess, but I'd find it extremely odd of a straight man to do.

Is he insecure about his body?

**extremely-confused** · 11-17-2010 10:18 PM

I really appreciate everyone's responses, I'm so conflicted right now, I know it seems like an easy solution but for some reason i just can not find what the right thing to do is..

It's make me hurt because he's betrayed me, weather he met these men or not, it was curiosity or a sexual attraction it was still betrayal behind my back..

I am definitely going to get tested, I have been searching for 2 day's online typing in similar question's, all answer's lead to curious, bi-curious, bi, or gay..

He denied being gay or bi-sexual when i confronted him, but it's like then WHY would you go on craigslist to "meet/talk" to other men?? Why would you send a nude photo of yourself?? I sit here and i remember that i once found a porn website on our computer history with about 5 transvestites pictures, I could see ok maybe your curious but engaging in sending naked photo's to another bi, gay male's doesn't seem normal, once in 2009 and once in 2010 last month, i don't even know if there is more out than that..

We have not had a perfect relationship, he's been caught on quite a few occasion's talking to other girls behind my back, i've never had physical proof he's engaged in sexual activities but i felt he did, he used to go out a lot with his friends staying out all night w/o phone calls, i had found text's to other girls (none online all girls he knows), he left me in September 2009 because things were just not healthy anymore, in November 2009 he had changed completely and up until now i had NO reason to suspect anything what so ever, he has changed drastically..

I never suspected him to be gay or bi, I gained 50lbs with our daughter and still have not lost the weight so it's made me very self conscious, i would get mad that he always looks at porn and naked photo's of women on the computer NEVER men!! He belonged to a car website for 2 year's and was ALWAYS on the "hot babe threat" posting pictures and looking at them.. He even mentioned to this guy he had never been with a man, he's definitely straight, but he had to keep it on the DL because he lives with his girlfriend, he causally threw in thing's he liked to do and rub one out followed.. Maybe it was curiosity for something new, if he never met any of these guy's and has never engaged, i just don't know..

He is not self conscious about his body, he is thin, but he's much more comfortable than he used to be.. We rarely have sex anymore and when we do he always ask's for a BJ and anal, he claims after having my daughter i'm not as "tight" as i used to be and anal sex is much tighter, I don't tag that to an indication to being gay, because i know a lot of men who love to have anal on a regular basis.. He's very against anything near his anus, i do play around and poke him when he's bending over and he'll jump back up with a HEY, i don't like that..

I'm so confused on what to believe i don't want to find myself making excuses for him, and i don't want to drive myself crazy thinking more into it, we're taught to believe that men never have any sort of attraction's to other men, but women are ok to do so, I admit i enjoy looking at women in a sexual light as far as porn but i'm not a lesbian, i'm not even considering myself bi-sexual, i have tried to be with a women before and it was so uncomfortable for me, i just knew it was not for me.. How do we know what is even normal anymore!! I have a lot of gay friends as well as family, i am very open to it and hold no hate for anyone, because everyone is aloud to find love no matter there sexuality..

As crazy as it sounds, if he admits it to himself that he may be gay, i'd rather hear that than to be left for another women.. Weird to say i know!! I have so many thought's going through my mind i can't even understand how i'm allowing myself to move on from this..

**Perfect10** · 11-27-2010 02:53 AM

I feel for you! Same idea happened to me about a year ago....I found porn on teh computer and there was something in there about being bi-gay straight...that a *gay* friend emailed him...
I asked what it was about and he said it was nothing. I questioned if he had ever looked at gay porn and he said he has...I kind of dismissed it not thinking much of it but it always popped back up in my head...Just found out 2 weeks ago that he had a homosexual encounter....BJ and HJ with 2 different guys...a total of 4 occassions....
I remember when I first asked him he got all defensive....
You have to think, its VERY embarrassing for a guys gf to find something like that, nevermind admit to it...My bf did the same thing...he posted pics of himself to see what others thought of him...and I asked him why he needed other peoples opinions...and I asked if he had insecurities...and he said he didnt, he was just curious to find out ....
Trust me, I totally know what you're going through because I find myself making excuses for him too.!!
I went online looking for signs to find out if your bf is gay or bi sexual...and really some of them are stupid...do you have a gut feeling?? My gut feeling was always there but I ignored it, and it was right for almost 8 years! Now we are at a point of trying ot figure out if he's bi or gay or whatever....
A lot of guys are in denial about it and are embarrassed about it....you just have to keep bringing it up and RE ASSURE him....even if the truth does hurt....try not to freak out or make any mean comments...tell him you're there to help him figure it out and that you need to know because he owes it to himself and to you....it doesnt have to be true! Some people cant accept the bi thing....I don't even know if I accept it right now...! But just try to make him feel comfortable and he might just open up...