my husband cheated on me after 10 years of marriage

**nadina** · 11-16-2010 05:59 AM

its been the worst 4 months of my life, i thought i had the perfect marriage with a beautiful 5year old daughter and my own business doing rly well. August the 22nd my brother calls me and tells me he has received an email with images of my husband and another women in new york central park! and this email explains how my husband has been having an affair for over a year with this women. i was shocked and instantly told my brother its somekind of mistake, but then receive a call from a work colleague? this email with images of my husband was sent to everyone i know from family, friends and work colleagues. my world has been torn apart. my husband denied at first but then decided to tell me the truth, this affair was going on for more than a year, he says he loved me and made a mistake and never loved this women, who was not younger but older than me and the worst not very attractive, she got him filmed by a private detective and posted these images all over different internet sites and has ruined my whole life, everywhere i go im being asked about his affair, i never suspected at all as i thought i had the perfect marriage, i decided to leave him and then found out i am nearly 4 months pregnant. im so lost and hurt, ive been trhough so much in this marriage but never ever imagined my perfect husband wld do this, he told me he was going on a business trip to NY as we live in london.... the mistress sent me text msgs and emails of her affair with my husband, she enjoyed my pain and told me (he could not help himself)... i dont know what to do, im pregnant and with a man who i loved so much that i believed and trusted in him. im trying to make my marriage work as i am pregnant but i cant seem to stop thinking about his affair and the pain he has caused me.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 11-16-2010 06:40 AM

So glad you found us here. I know your hurt right now is beyond measure, but I think you will find lots of other women here who can identify with that hurt and can show you that you WILL come out of it and you will be fine. Right now, because this woman has been a total biatch (I'm being nice) it's hard not to focus all your hurt and anger towards her.

My guess, they had this hot love affair going for a year and something happened and he decided to end it. She, being the bitter mistress, decided to reveal to everyone what he had done. (Sort of like the gal here in the US who had the billboards made of the man who had been cheating on his wife with her.) The sad part is, she did it out of spite, to hurt him.........but being a selfish person as she obviously is, she didn't consider the others it would hurt. She was wrong.....and don't you worry, karma will get her. But the important part here is that your husband is not only capable of having an affair, but did have (one that you know for sure), and all the while came home and slept with you (unprotected obviously) too. HE destroyed your marriage all by himself, he disregarded your heart, your love, your body, your health, your child.

Your 4 months pregnant. That doesn't change what he did, and it shouldn't change how you deal with what he did. In my opinion, leaving him would be the only option as I'd know in my heart of hearts that I could NEVER ever trust that person again. And I wouldn't want to live my life with that hanging over my head....checking phone records, checking text messages, checking emails, watching for odd changes in his behavior. It's not fair to you to have to live your life like that....and it's not fair to your children either.

The positive thing (and not to minimize what this woman did) is that people in your life do know about this now....and can be there to help and supprt you in your time of need. Lots of women keep things like this a total secret because they won't want anyone to judge them for staying in their broken marriage, or because they don't want people to hate their spouse........but they live a life of hurt because now, not only did he lie and destroy your marriage, but then you're having to lie to your family and friends to help him save face. Now that everyone knows...you can turn to them for support.

In my opinion, the best thing you can do at this point is to proceed with getting out of this situation. You've got your own business, you'd get child support, you'd be just fine. It's high time cheaters learn that are severe consequences for their actions, and that their actions can destroy a family.

As for biotch....well....I'd make it a point to tell her that you're well aware of everything that happened, you know what your husband did and that you are woman enough all by yourself to take care of it and would appreciate if she'd proceed with finding a life of her own. If she continues, charge her with harassment.

Sorry you're going through this. I hope you can find some solace here.

**Seeker_Advice** · 11-16-2010 07:51 AM

A man's perspective....

Please take everything I say with a grain of salt...as frankly, I am most concerned about you (and you taking care of you) and the well being of your baby.

Obviously, I can't relate to the hormonal issues that may be adding/contributing to what you're going through as a result of being pregnant.

What I can relate to, is being cheated on by your spouse. It happened to me three times, by the same spouse, during eight years of marriage and ten years of being together. I too, was totally oblivious to anything going on and didn't learn about it until "cheat 2" got dumped by my ex and he decided to do something similar...announce her cheating on me to the rest of the free world.

Can your marriage be saved? Absolutely! But the effort will take you on a journey that few people have even considered, let alone bothered to put in the ENORMOUS effort in order to make it happen. It's a very emotional issue that I was told to visualize as the roller coaster ride to the edge of and back. I will also tell you that it is a series of tiny steps, one at a time, over mintues, hours, days, weeks, months and years that will enable you to rebuild your marriage....and after all of that, it will NEVER be like it was before this happened. It will be different.

It comes down to one question: What do YOU want to do? You may not have an answer for quite some time.

**nadina** · 12-23-2010 04:36 AM

thank you for your advice, since this thread ive tried to make my marriage work, but it seems that i am living a lie, ive lost my family who i love so much, my mum borthers and sister refuse to talk to me (so rightly) as they believe that ive made the wrong decision, i also lost my baby a couple of days ago at 17 weeks which has torn me apart, now i am left with me and my daughter and need the strength to tell my husband to leave, he is a great father but i have lost all feelings for him and cant live a lie anymore. how do i get the strength to tell him to leave without anymore pain in my life.
im torn and so lost right now that i feel i dont want to wake up in the mornings but i have a beautiful little princess that i need to live for.

any advice would be appreciated.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-23-2010 04:54 AM

Seeker, to see you on a different level, to open up like that and show your side, pain, explains alot...thank you for doing that, because you gave advise to someone whom needed it, from your heart and probably a small weight off your shoulders, of your past....Remember, people will do what they want, never blame yourself totally, people if un-happy make wrong choice decisions...In my books, your not happy? You leave, don't give someone a complex, that's it's them, in-adequacy on any level...They did wrong, they didn't leave and go on with their life, they cheated........

An old member comes to mind......

Anyway, honey, your right, you have a princess to live for, but understand this....when something is missing, in one's life, people can be influenced by bad, remember Adam and Eve...

When you turn....wifey is this and that, ....and the other falls. When she realises he loves his wife, and got lost, she becomes disruptive...eager to ruin everything to get him back, for you to walk...

If that happens she wins.....

Talk further to him....establish why he felt he was so un-happy ..and in that you may be able to bring something back to work on...

CW

**nadina** · 12-23-2010 06:13 AM

thank you for your reply, i have done nothing but try and speak to him to find out why he had cheated, we went on our second honeymoon wiht our daughter to maldives and re-new our love, he came back and went on the next flight to america with this women, this is when he filmed him and when he ended the relationship, she ATTACKED ME AND MY FAMILY IN EVERY WAY POSSIBLE. again i tried to make my marriage work, he was my best friend!! i was a good wife, daughter-in-law, mother, worker, friend, i did everything for him and thought we were in LOVE. his explanation is (I DONT KNOW) I GOT LOST SOMEWHERE down the line.... WHY DO MEN GET LOST WHEN THEY HAVE EVERYTHING, he was loved by everyone, the perfect husband. im torn and have tried to understand, but his explanations are not good enough, he wanted to go out, id say have a good time hon, i was never protective or obsessive or ask him why, when where, i never opended his post or answered his mobile, BECAUSE I HAD TRUST IN HIM.
you break my trust for what? you cheat on me for what???? i asked him to tell me what was lacking in me as a mother, wife and friend..... im not a depressed women, im independant or thought i was, i was so happy 6 months ago, ive had a hard life lived in poverty but my mother taught me well and i managed to create a good life for myself and the man i love, he is not a loner or depressed an established man with a high end profile job???
For what did he jeopardise his happy family for and for a women who attacked back in a way that you would never imagine, youtube videos went up of him and facebook profiles were created ALL MY WORK COLLEAGUES WERE NOTIFIED , my mother was sent pics in the post??? my brothers work emails to there staff about my personal life, HE DID THIS FOR WHAT??? I HAVE LOST THIS PREGNANCY AND NOW SIT HERE ALONE, NO MORE FAMILY WHO SUPPORTED ME THROUGH THE PAIN, BUT NO LONGER WANT TO BE APART OF MY LIFE BECAUSE I WANTED TO TRY AND SEE IF WE COULD MAKE IT THROUGH THIS MARRIAGE. more pain more tears but alone with a child and a husband who l now look at and feel sad and heartbroken, he cheated because he could, because i was too good, because i let him, i trusted him, he thought he would get away with it? but he chose the wrong women to cheat with, SHE..... IS amazingly clever and vindictive to film and create emails accounts and get him back for leaving her... revenge but on him or ME? He had the affair, why attack me and my family, shye called me and cried a fake tears because she could, she has a honours degree in acting....im sorry ive gone on as i have no one to talk to anymore ive lost my pregnancy and family and now i need to get through this, but is he worth all this pain?

**WildChild** · 12-23-2010 09:14 AM

I am sorry that you have had a miscarriage and that your family has chosen to abandon you. That adds uneedfully to your pain.

Only you can answer the question, Is he worth it?
What has he done that is worth you risking more of this pain?

You are at a crossroads, it is your choice. Which direction do you want to go? You can't go back. What you had is gone and will never be again. You can rest where you are for a while but ultimately you have move on. You need time to heal. You owe that to yourself and to the child that you have. After their power play, your relationship with your family will never be the same. Whether you stay or not your relationship with the man you call husband is irrevocably altered.

Understand YOU can't change him or what he does. Only he can do that. Will you ever trust him or anyone again? I think you will, but it will be a self protected trust, not the innocent trust of a child.

Can you get in to see a counselor?
I think it would be a good idea. It can be very helpful to talk with someone who is not involved in the situation but has seen it played out before and knows something of human nature. They can help you with resourses and help you figure out what you really want and how to get it.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-25-2010 05:16 PM

I'm also sorry you had the mis-carriage...

Ask yourself, was he an open book to her? Is this why she knew how to contact everyone? He told her "lies" about your marriage...

And, he lied to you, took you on a honey-moon, more than likely had to tell her...And, so to make her happy, he arranged to meet up as soon as he returned and take her away, to America....But, what did he say to her, that he was going away to break up with you? Or visit a dying relative? And, she found out somehow that it was a second honey-moon? That's what go her so mad that she did all she did, did he promise to marry her? Does she know a friend of his, family even, as to how she found this out?

With a first lie comes a second to cover the first lie.....

How did he react to your mis-carriage?

CW

**Colorado** · 12-25-2010 06:33 PM

Nadina, I'm so sorry to hear of your loss and what has transpired between you and your husband.
...and I'm really glad that you had the confidence to talk about this here. At this point in your life you need someone to talk with, and will for a while.

Don't feel at fault here: ("I trusted him too much", "because I let him", etc...) because you are most definately NOT at fault. You showed trust in what you considered was a healthy relationship with a man you considered trustworthy; He obviously is not. YOU are NOT at fault!
He made the choice, whether he believed he could get away with it or not is not a viable reason... HE cheated on YOU.

As others here have already stated, you have to be the one who makes the call, and all we can do is provide you with an opinion of what we would do in a like situation. Myself, I have always been of the mind that if someone cheats once - they will again. They had no thought in their head when they decided to do what they did and to me that is unforgivable. My wife and I both know that if this ever occured, the other would leave and NEVER look back - there would certainly be no second chance with it for us, and we've been together for 24 years now.
My opinion is that had he really cared for you he would have never done it in the first place.

You deserve a lot more than this in your life and it seems that your family members feel the same. If I read it correctly they are upset with you because you initially decided to stay with him, correct?

Take the time to think this out for now, and weigh the good/bad... Is it really worth trying to make this work out when you know you will never really trust him again?

There is so much more out there for you and you most certainly don't deserve to be treated like this.

**nadina** · 12-26-2010 03:34 AM

thank you for your replies and such honest advice, he knows about my miscarriage and is devastated, he has been trying since the affair, but for me this means nothing, each day we try and make our marriage work, but i now know that its time to move on as i keep going on about the past and destroying that little self respect i have left, as for her knowing, they both had this arrangement about (the affair) she was his first ever girlfriend when he was 18? he is now 40...(she found him after 24 years) he told her he would never leave me and if i ever found out it would destroy me?? so what did she do? she destroyed me... she knew everything about him and did her research on me, she spoke to me on the phone and told me (they could not help themselves but he never promised her anything, but they had a bond and could not help themselves from being together, so why did she attack my life in such a nasty way) its hard to describe in an letter but she honestly went to levels that you would not expect a women to go, she must have loved him so much, that to attack me made her feel more of a women, both of them are to blame for this, me and my daughter are the ones that have been hurt and destroyed.)??

Yes i do not deserve this and we are ending our 10year marriage but i need to be sensible and adult enough not to let this effect my daughter, he is the best dad in the world but shame he could not be a good husband.

im going away with my daughter for a while to clear my head and (hopefully) start 2011 with a fresh start and new beginnings, thank you so much for everyone who has helped give there thoughts and caring advice, this has helped me a lot. i feel sad that my whole family (borthers and sisters) got caught in the middle and they also went through so much pain over him.

thank you again. xxx