husband conefessed he almost cheated on me before we got married

**jacky123** · 11-17-2010 01:04 PM

My husband and i dated for 3 1/2 yrs and just got married 1 month ago. Yesterday he tells me that he and a married female friend began texting each other, it was innocent at first but then they started flirting until one day they exchanged a sexual pic. He said right after that he felt horrible and cut off all contact (that was 8 months ago). so yesterday her husband was snooping on her because she was supposedly having a relationship with a third unrelated guy (!), and somehow got a copy of all her old texts through sprint or whatever. He discovered my husband’s texts & the pic and was furious. He contacted my husband and told him as punishment he had to tell me what happened. So my husband fessed up.
But the whole thing doesn't add up for me, why would her husband look up texts from 8 months ago. i told my husband that i didn't believe him that it happened that long ago and i also think more took place than the just the flirting and pic. but he swears up and down that's all that happened.
I'm at my wits end, I don't trust him anymore & don't know what to do:
-should i call her husband and see what she told him happened, to see if there are any inconsistencies?
-should I get one of those spy programs to see if he's up to something else online?
-or should i just trust him and try to move forward?
My husband swears he's telling the truth. which is now hard to believe because now i feel like i didn't know him at all. He was the last person on this earth that i thought would do something like this. He says he thinks it had to do with stress and boredom at work and he also has childhood issues. He says he's truly sorry and it was a terrible mistake. I still love him and don't plan on leaving him, if this is all that happened. But how can i be sure it is all that happened? he could be a serial cheater for all i know! Am i overreacting? Any advice would be appreciated.

**caterpillar79** · 11-17-2010 01:23 PM

First off, whether he "did" cheat physically or not, go to your OB-GYN and get tested - just for the cautious side of it all.

He breached your trust, but you love him so dearly...You decide you'd stay IF that was all what happened....what if he'd stick to his story - true or not, that's all what it is. Would you be able to handle it? Maybe...and yes, in the long run, especially if he'll do his best to show you he regrets and changes.

Counseling could help you both - individually and/or both. At the same time, let's look deeper as to why he committed such thing. Boredom is a weak excuse, childhood issues, maybe (and it could be sorted out through counseling)....have some time to yourself and think things through - what you want, what you think he should do for your trust to come back (it's hard, but see what he can commit to doing)...bottom line is, he must have a consequence for his indiscretion - not to punish him, but for you to show him how it hurt you and how he could make it up and work things to regain your trust.

**rcoreyus** · 11-17-2010 01:55 PM

If his story is true - what started out as innocent texts that gradually became more inappropriate. I is very easy for this to happen. When they crossed a line, he realized what he was doing and cut it off. If the story is true, then I hold him almost blameless. Most people get tempted at some point in their lives, it is how they respond to the temptation that matters.

Why do you not believe him? Has he given you other reason not to trust him?

Spying on him will not help. You will never know that nothing is going on, only that you haven't found it. Many people (myself included) consider spying as grounds for immediate divorce - when trust has gone that far (whoever's fault it is), there is no point continuing the relationship).

He can't prove he is trustworthy. You can either decide to trust him, forgive him for the long ago, fairly minor transgression, or you can leave. I don't know him at all, and can make no judgement in whether he was honest or not. All I can say is that I think that a relationship without trust on both sides is not worth continuing.

**JustHormonious** · 11-18-2010 10:07 AM

You are not overreacting. Unfortunately your husband only fussed up because he was being blackmailed. If it were me, I would definitely talk to the other woman's husband and get all the facts - proof. It's hard to make a decision on what a dishonest person is telling you. Get all the facts, then make an informed decision.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 11-18-2010 11:30 AM

I agree with JustHormonius. I don't think you're overreacting at ALL. It sounds to me like you married someone you love dearly believing he's a wonderful person. You're not a snoop (else you'd have known about the texting before he told you), you haven't done anything wrong. He came clean because he was forced to. And I think you're right that something about his story doesn't add up at all. It doesn't make sense that it happened 8 months ago, was a picture, and her husband was able to retrieve records from the phone company from 8 mths ago INCLUDING actual pics of what was sent back and forth. That makes no sense and I think you're right for thinking that's fishy. I think there is definitely more to this story. And you have EVERY right to question it.

It might seem like he's wearing a halo because he came clean...but he did it because he was forced to. You need to know who you're married to before you invest years of your life.

I would speak to this womans husband first and then insist the 4 of you sit down together and talk (because she could be feeding her husband lies too). Then I would insist on couseling for both of you before I would even consider trying to rebuild some trust.