Huband slapped me for the first time.

**hazel92** · 11-18-2010 03:54 AM

This week, my husband slapped me for the first time. I don't know what to do or how to feel about everything and feel really lost because I don't have anyone here I can talk to. We live with his parents right now and my family is in another state. We have two little boys and have been married for three years. He had told my son (2yrs) to eat his carrots and I told him that he was eating them and just taking a long time to chew them. This upset my husband and he thought I was disrespecting him and we got in an argument about how I am not to disrespect him in front of our kids and if I disagree with him I am supposed to not say anything if there are other people around. It was time for me to go to work and I was getting nervous about being late as our argument continued. Then we began to argue about money and me going to work. He is staying home taking care of the kids right now. We were both getting more upset with our words, I was now supposed to be at work 15 minutes ago, and I said something disrespectful to him because he had hurt my feelings and he slapped me in the ear in front of our two year old. I was not bleeding or bruised, but it hurt and I was thirty minutes late for work. He has apologiezed and said he was sorry and he never meant to hit me and that it won't happen again because he never wanted to hurt me. Later, I apoligized to him for saying what hurt his feelings.

Last night we tried to talk about it and he told me it was my fault because I was disrespectful to him. I feel so hurt, betrayed, and lost. I don't know what to do and I can't talk to anyone. Any input would be appreciated.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-18-2010 04:17 AM

I think your doing everything, everything and he's feeling that he is useless..

He is the stay at home mum, you are working.. money is tight and he feel useless, the only thing he feels he can be good at is the children but you made a comment and he snapped..

His self esteme is low... it's not your fault it's stress and pressure, it does not excuse him slapping you and it certainly doesn't excuse him in front of the children and you need to let him know you know why it occured and not to even think of blaming you...

You both need to discuss the current situation he's not coping with it...

CW

**Seeker_Advice** · 11-18-2010 04:24 AM

A man's opinion...

Your fault? B.S.
Your husband is now a spouse abuser.
Sounds like there is A LOTmore going on here.
Time for counseling, for you, for him, for both.
Don't "sweep this under the rug" or accept it as your fault.
Once an abuser...
If things don't get better, then leave.
Your job is to protect you and your children.

Sorry to be so blunt/direct/short with my answers but this is how ALL abuse starts....with one slap/punch/hit and then it goes from there.

I would rather put a bullet in my head then strike the woman I love, or any woman, for that matter.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 11-18-2010 06:52 AM

Ok...lets look at this a little closer:

He says you disrespected him in front of the children and that was wrong of you. But he thinks it's okay to physically slap you in front of your children? Is he such a fool he does not believe a 2 year old understands what's going on when something like that happens?

I agree that he has low self esteem. But is that your fault? No it's not. Should you physically and mentally pay the price for that? Absolutely not.

He wants to fight with you as you're trying to leave for work? He knows exactly what he's doing when he does that: stressing you out, making you tense, making you late for work, therefore...causing you to have a bad day. This is purposeful....because he is unhappy and we all know misery loves company.

You took up for yourself. You spoke up to him, he didn't like it, so he felt enough disrespect for you as a woman, as his wife, as the mother of his children to physically hit you in the face. In FRONT of one of your children. Do you want your boys to grow up thinking it's okay for them to hit women when they feel "disrespected"?? I'm quite sure that's not what you want. But what your son saw his father do to you, increases his chances of at some point in his life doing the same thing, exponentially.

Me? I'd be gone like a freight train. There are a few things in my book that are unacceptable in a marriage: cheating and abuse (whether mental or physical). And when you have kids, that's all the more reason to make those things unacceptable so that your kids learn to be a better man than their father is. And not only did he do it, but even days later when the normal person who slipped up and did something like this would feel AWFUL and would be trying to reassure you.......he's telling you it was your fault. Yes....your husband is an abuser. So yes....I'd be gone.

**KMonte85** · 11-18-2010 07:11 AM

Abusive behavior is unacceptable. It doesn't matter if this was the first time that it happened - he is now an abuser and you are in a domestic violence situation that needs immediate attention.

His blaming you for the abuse (you disrespected him so it was your fault you got slapped) is a crock, and if you haven't already, make sure he is WELL AWARE that this was not your fault. In reality, abuse is a conscious choice made by the abuser - your husband. He had a choice in how to react to your argument. Options include, but are not limited to: walking away, talking in the moment, respectfully explaining why an action is frustrating, breaking up, etc. You are not to blame here, and he needs to be told that loud and clear.

If it were me, I would seriously consider leaving, for a while if not permanently. He needs to understand the seriousness of this. Additionally, if you want to keep this marriage, you must insist on counseling - for BOTH of you, so that this never happens again. He needs some sort of anger management with his counselling. Please don't think you can't afford it - there are options out there for everyone at every income level.

**ManINeedACoffee** · 11-18-2010 08:14 AM

It doesn't mantter if he's got low self-esteem, is under a lot of strain and pressure, or ready to snap - there is absolutely NO excuse for hitting your spouse. Especially in front of your children. As BD said, he blames this whole thing on you for "disrespecting" him in front of the children, yet it's totally okay for him to hit you in front of them? That is manipulation, and it's a crock to boot.

Hitting, in my mind, is completely unacceptable in any relationship - especially marriage. It happened once? Chances are it'll happen again, and once again, he'll tell you it was all your fault (even though people have a CHOICE of how they act - nobody "makes" them do anything). You can certainly go for counseling...but in my humble opinion, I think you need to get yourself and your kids out of there while you can.

**WildChild** · 11-18-2010 08:25 AM

I agree with all the above posters and would add that no one MAKES you hit another. He CHOSE to hit you rather than take any other action.
Blaming you is a way of not being responsible for what he did.
You need to turn this around right now or it will get worse, your children will learn that men aren't responible for their actions because they are all the result of women's actions or responses to them.
Bad plan.

**curlygirl18** · 11-18-2010 09:17 AM

I can only speak from personal experience but the first time my husband did something physical to me, I justified it and accepted his apology.

It didn't stop. It wasn't frequent by any means and was usually only when he was angry or drunk or when I pushed him first, but it was still much more aggressive than needed to be.

Yes I should never have been rude or disrespectful or slapped him or whatever I did but none of that is an excuse for being thrown to the floor or choked.

Get help now.

**JustHormonious** · 11-18-2010 09:53 AM

Assault=911. Let him give his excuses to the judge and court appointed counselor. This way it is documented and he will understand there are consequences for his actions.