not feeling too human...

**lunalady** · 11-18-2010 12:22 PM

Hi all, I apologize in advance for what I know is going to end up being a lengthy post... I suppose I'll begin with stating the problem: Porn, or more specifically, the secretive, shady use of porn in lieu of having sex with me. Now for the details...

My boyfriend and I (I am 31, he is 28) have been together for about four and a half years, and porn has been in the picture for the duration. Now before anyone calls me an idiot or a prude, please read on. When I discovered *tons* of porn on his computer in the beginning, I approached him about it, but not in any way demanding that he quit, or anything of the sort. I was nervous about broaching such a private thing, but was very open and I thought he was being very open as well. He said that it was simply part of his past and that he wasn't going to do it anymore. Ok. Fine. I had perused it myself and liked to indulge occasionally, so this 'discovery' wasn't alarming or upsetting; I only wanted us to be open with each other.

Anyway, for a long time I thought nothing more of it. Eventually, it cropped back up and I realized he had never quit. Still okay. Not upset really, just a little hurt that he had been keeping it a secret despite my openness about it. He knew that I used to look at it myself, so I suggested we watch together. We did twice, the second time was awkward, and it never happened again. He started becoming more secretive and I became more self-conscious. It turned into something ugly. We talked about it, fought about it, but nothing ever changed. I became pregnant with his son (who is now 2), and that was a most devastating time for me. I was ravenous. I wanted him badly, but rarely did we have sex. Porn use was excessive (everyday) and it quickly became a heated issue: It got to the point where I couldn't even mention the word 'porn' without an immediate backlash from him. I felt inadequate, worthless, and disgusting in my (albeitly beautiful) pregnant state.

One night while sitting at my desk, I picked up an open bank statement. There was a charge on it from 'Adult Friend Finder'. I was furiously sickened. I immediately confronted him, livid, in all my pregnant glory. He was shocked--I could tell by the stupified look in his eyes. He told me that he had already cancelled his membership (and I *did* check), and that he became a member solely for the videos, which I still find hard to believe, as there are a plethora of other sites available that don't solicit live sex from locals. Ugh...it still eats at my stomach lining.

Fast forward a year or so: By this point, I was completely disgusted with porn and entirely intolerant of it being in our home. He told me, with no hesitation or regard, that he wasn't going to stop looking at it. I told him (countless times) how it made me feel, and how his secrecy and lying was crippling our relationship, as I had little trust by then. I expressed my daunting sense of self reproach, mingled with spite towards him. I no longer felt beautiful, sexy, or wanted. My self esteem, which has always been somewhat fragile, was annihilated... He told me I was the one with the problem and needed to get over it. I'm condensing a lot here--leaving out tons of details, so as to not become a potentially rambling mess. I hope I'm not leaving out points integral to a whole understanding of the situation.

Fast forward about a year later, present day: It's still an issue, though he's not aware of its magnitude. Over the course of our relationship, I've turned into a paranoid, sneaky mate, and I check the computer all the time. He got tired of trying to hide his tracks on the computer so has most recently begun using his phone. He doesn't know that I'm aware of this, though. How would I bring that up? I violated his privacy by looking at his phone's internet history. I don't feel bad about it, considering, but am not looking forward to his reaction.

A little more: He says he needs sex almost everyday. OK. I will happily roll with that; I'm very easily stimulated sexually, have a higher than average drive, and am extremely open to trying almost anything. In short, I am very eager to experiment and experiment often. Or, on the flip side, I could be completely vanilla if that is what he wants. He knows all of this. In the past several months, I have been almost the sole initiator of sex. Now I see why, though: he's resorted to his phone, and would prefer his little candy teens to someone real. And you know, if it were just something he did when I wasn't around, I don't think I'd have as much of a problem with it, or if we could partake together. But I'm truly just sick of all this. I feel completely disregarded, disrespected, and taken completely for granted.

We are in counseling now, have been for about 3 or 4 months. This particular issue has been discussed once, and it was so emotionally stressful for me that I dread anymore. I am exhausted and coming quickly to the end of my frazzled rope.

Thank you for reading this in its entirety. I feel like I have omitted much, but this is already so long. However, it has been a relief to write...

**peace and love to anyone else in pain**

**Lunar Keiki** · 11-18-2010 12:40 PM

I am really sorry you are dealing with this. But ask yourself this: why are you still with him? It sounds like he has a complete disregard for how you feel and the fact that you are more than willing to be a great sex partner. I am not seeing why you stay when you have tried to address this issue from every angle and yet nothing changes and he now is deflecting--blaming you. It is consuming you. And although you are in counseling, you are not addressing the very issue that seems to be at the root of the reason you are in counseling. Why do you stay if he doesn't want to work on the issue that is causing the problems?

**JustHormonious** · 11-18-2010 01:37 PM

I think you have been more than understanding in this relationship. What is it that you want for you and your son? You both deserve better than what you are getting. Sometimes we hang on to such unhealthy relationships, because we think it can or will get better over time. It seems in your case the problems have gotten worse. Has he made any changes during the 4 months of counseling?

Keep in mind, everything that hurts you, also hurts your son. You are paying a counselor, don't dread being open about how you feel, get it off your chest and move forward..

**lunalady** · 11-18-2010 02:55 PM

to Lunar Keiki: your question is quite founded, and I should have addressed that in my original post... I guess I've made him out to look like a monstrous perv, but he's not all bad (of course though--who is?). There are many things I love about him, and I know he loves me, too. It seems like this subject turns him into a different person, and porn has such a grip on him that he just refuses to/can't let go. He is pretty amazing in other aspects of our relationship. Anyway, outside of the "I love him and he loves me" excuse, we have a child together, and I have a daughter from a previously failed relationship. Her father has chosen to release his parental rights, and I want so badly for this relationship to sustain. There was actually a 6 month period where we were living separate, and at times I felt much happier. It was when we 'reunited' that we began counseling.

to justhormonious: there have been changes in our relationship regarding other aspects, so it is still hopeful to me. But yes, you are right in that my pain also becomes that of my children. That simple fact makes me question things very sternly. And (big sigh), I know I will have to discuss it again in counseling. I will have to talk to my SO about it first, as I don't want to 'throw him under the bus', and that is the conversation I dread the most, I think.

you both are right, though, and I need to pull myself together and muster the confidence to make something change, one way or another. He is asking this evening what is wrong, so maybe it is time to let him know I know about the phone porn. Arg...

tahnk you both for your thoughtful responses.

**lunalady** · 11-18-2010 03:05 PM

a quick side note: I have become most anxious about approaching him anymore because of the way I get my 'evidence'. I sneak and check his tracks, violating his privacy. It's not becoming and he most always gets angry because of my sly ways. It is not who I want to be, and I'm not proud of it.

**JustHormonious** · 11-18-2010 04:01 PM

Be proud, you love your family.. Nothing wrong with being a good detective when needed. He brought this on himself, he knows this is an issue, yet still continues to sneak around. Good luck, stay calm and get your questions answered.

**Hopeless Dork** · 11-18-2010 05:58 PM

Theres a pretty young female comedian, can't think of her name right now and she does a bit on snooping, and how yeah, of course she snoops and makes no appologies for it, of course its in jest but she goes on to say how it sucks to snoop because then you are mad, but can't say why you are mad since you'd have to reveal how you know what you know. She said only is it then that we realize we did something maybe sort of wrong, when we are trying to justify how we snooped... when truly, there just isn't a justification for it, yes most of us have done it at some point.

Guys don't snoop as much I guess... because they are less thinkers when it comes to relationships so they don't understand why females do it so much. If things look fine on the surface, most guys are happy with that. If their woman says they love them, thats great, no reason to dig further.. but women, we tend to analyze, then overanalyze and want to look beyond the surface especially when something just 'feels' amiss.

He isn't having sex with you, and knowing a typical 28 year old men needs to orgasm for at least the purpose of biological release semi-frequently, it would definitely feel like something must be wrong if he isn't coming to you and sharing some of that sexual intimacy.

Its so easy to turn your anger to porn. You love this man, you feel like if it weren't for porn things would be better. But I think the first thing you should do is stop including porn in the reasons why you are hurt. He doesn't think porn should hurt your feelings so he's able to find a way to justify in his mind why it shouldn't bother you, and as long as he is able to do that... he has no reason to stop lying to you about it, to stop doing it.

But instead if you focus on the REAL issue here, which is him neglecting giving your body the sexual attention you need... thats a problem that he will have to be able to recognize. The problem here is that he is taking care of his own sexual needs and leaving you in the cold. You didn't sign up for a life of lonely masturbation, you want sex with your partner, you want to explore and have fun and make love and just have raw dirty playful sex sometimes... and you deserve that, you are committed to him, faithful to him... but since he's taking care of his own needs you are left with nothing.

Most women need to feel desired and wanted and sexy in order to enjoy sex, and him not wanting sex with you is definitly not making you feel sexy, so what does he want you to do? Become celibate? Surely he realizes there are men out there, quite the majority of the population of them, that would love to be in his shoes with a partner that actually wants to have sex with them... does he not realize that you are likely aware of that fact too?

I think he has taken your sexuality and need for intimacy for granted, like so what... and thats no relationship, not a loving one. You say he loves you , but part of loving someone is wanting them to feel good, to provide them with pleasure and comfort... and he just refuses do that.

Maybe he doesn't know or doesn't realize that you are upset because you want to be sexual with your boyfriend, but he has no drive left for you after doing porn every day... I think if your focus has constantly been on stop the porn, it hurts me... he may have lost sight of why it hurts you and just chalks it up to you being jealous or controlling and not realizing that what you are actually doing is crying out for him to pay even half as much attention to you as he does the porn.

**ashy09** · 11-18-2010 07:50 PM

This situation has got to a very big issue. I feel maybe he feels ashamed about the porn and thats whats making him angry. Because instead of him seeing your side of the story that it feels offensive. He is seeing it in the situation of say his mother telling him off for it. The same humiliation role he feels when your not happy about it that he would feel if he was getting told off by someone else.

I think it would be important to make it clear to him that its his lacking of giving you attention thats upsetting you rather than the idea of porn itself. Although I can imagine that there can be some situations where it feels offensive. I feel like that when i think about it that way... that im not as skinny as the girls or have perfect boobs (as i am very flat chested, it used to get me down big style but the thought of getting a boob job saddens me in the sense that i would be changing myself for others rather than for me, as i like being able to sleep on my front and being able to run ect with out them having to be in the way haha) but yeah. I dont mind my boyfriend watching porn (but then he doesnt have loads) but if he didnt watch it I would wonder what is wrong with him? haha As to me i see it as him being a sexual being, which turns me on, makes me kinda want to rival what hes watching. Makes me think 'oh you watching that are you? You havent seen how good I can be when i want to then can you?' I feel like yeah hes watching that and its pretty hot what they are doing, but I can do it better. (even though really, my career in porn wouldnt be so good. haha, but thanks to my awfully strong attraction to him. I am ready to go all out. (Believe me I have 'grown' so much in the sense of from when we first started dating i would have my odd moments where i would 'tell him' what he was thinking. and the thoughts were 'what are you doing with me when you could have that gorgeous lass over there?', 'dont lie to me, i know im not a patch on her' etc etc. and even a couple of months ago i showed my jealous streak just a little when other pretty girls were around. taking it on fully that hes noticed they look gorgeous. (though he would never admit it to me, because of the reaction i would give) but its human. So im learning from these mishaps that go on along the way with a growing relationship. I still think now, wow theres loads of gorgeous girls with nice personalities, what is he doing with me? Ive got to step up my game soo much. So man its hard.

I am sorry that i have gone off and started talking about a different situation, but thats what ive gone through and I hope it was a good read at least. But yeah, i think problems happen when we dont speak softly to each other and get our true feelings, and that theres just some things in life you'l have to learn to live with.

If ive gone off in the wrong direction somewhere then let me know.

I hope this gets solved, as its horrible to have something negative going on!
If he is being a jack and not taking your feelings into consideration then I say you go find a man that will whisk you off your feet!
x

**lunalady** · 11-24-2010 01:23 PM

thank you, everyone, for your thoughtful responses. It is nice to have a community of womanly support.

Best wishes to you all for happy days.

**karenshiver** · 01-27-2011 05:46 PM

Brian also joined Adult Friend Finder and has tons of porn on his computer, phone, home... he has found and joined every single sex dating site on the Internet... while in Korea, Brian always visited "Hooker Hill" and made merry with all of the happy hookers... he even caught mono... and, he goes to strip clubs... spends a small fortune on lap dances, prostitutes... etc. He will not give it up and blames it on me... says if I gave him more sex, he would not have to frequent these sites... yeah, right! After coming home from his year-long deployment in Iraq, he paid a prostitute $500.00 to have sex with him, then bragged to me about it and told me how beautiful and good she was and that she liked him soooooooo much, she was going to give him a discount next time he saw her... so, I said, "You moron... if she liked you soooooooo much, she would not have charged you at all!" He pouted.

I am sorry you are going through this too. Hugs.