Am I Being Unreasonable?

**JustHormonious** · 11-19-2010 10:15 PM

My mind is made up and I don't want to give in...

Next month will be our 20 year wedding anniversary and my husband ask me this morning what I wanted. I told him I would like him to change his work schedule to 1st shift hours. My husband has been on 3rd shift for the last 17 years. Our life has revolved around his career/schedule, up until now, I have made no fuss, ever.

Our last child moved out about 6 months ago and now it's all about us time. Well at least in my mind. I also have a very demanding career, but for the last 3 months I have been able to work from my home office a few days a week. This has given me more time to think about our future.

Plain and simple, I don't want to sleep alone at night anymore. I have had 17 years of daytime loving and now, I want to see the candles glow in the dark. I want to sleep on his chest with my hands in his curly thick hair.

He left for work about an hour ago, so here I sit alone(cry baby). I went down stairs to get a cup of tea and his laptop was open, he forgot to shut it off. I went to shut it off and he had been looking at diamond rings, he left the window open for me to see.. So I guess that's my answer..

Am I wrong for wanting this? Am I being unreasonable?

**Hopeless Dork** · 11-19-2010 10:20 PM

Ack... 17 years of sleeping at different times? My mom use to work graveyards my entire childhood and though she loved us and lived in the same house, we saw her so infrequently. She'd get home from work after we'd left for school... she'd be headed for bed by the time we got home, was rarely able to attend sports or school events, was never around to share movies with in the evening because she'd be asleep. We missed her growing up. But she needed to work graves for a reason... her career was one that working the day shift would have meant a lot more physical labor than she was capable of handeling... 3rd shift allowed her to work at a much slower pace, and she needed that... we all understood.

Is there a reason your husband feels he needs the graves? Is it the extra pay? Is it that the job is different when on that shift?

**JustHormonious** · 11-19-2010 11:05 PM

Changing shifts would not change his income, it is just the shift he prefers. He is very active during the summer months with golf, fishing and whatever else he can find to do outside. He is like the energizer bunny but when I look at him, I see what working this shift is doing to him physically. He is not as young as he used to be. He gets 6 weeks of vacation every year and could take them all during the summer months. This way he would not miss out on the things he loves to do (as you can see, I have thought a lot about this this week).

None of us are promised tomorrow and I just want him to be home at night. This is what we have worked so hard for, kids are grown, now it's "our time". I want to enjoy it!

**Seeker_Advice** · 11-20-2010 03:49 AM

Unreasonable? After 17 years? You're kidding, right? C'mon! This is the woman he loves, making a request, after agreeing to "his way" for seventeen years.

As a man, I think you're request should be considered then honored...period! Obviously, there will be an adjustment period for both of you as this is a dramatic change to what you're both use to, but so what.

It's time for "your time" or "our time".

My hope for you is that your husband sees it like I do.

Please let us know.

**caterpillar79** · 11-20-2010 07:59 AM

You're not unreasonable at all. You deserve to have that time with him. I'm actually surprised you managed to do what you did for 17 years! You are something....I admire you more and more. I hope your husband sees it the way you do. Under normal non-pressure situations, how does he take your opinions, thoughts, requests by the way?

**JustHormonious** · 11-20-2010 09:05 AM

Hi Cat - We usually can talk about anything together without issue. I don't think he will give in on this, so this will be our first "big" issue. He got home about an hour ago and yes, I brought it up again. His response was "don't be getting soft on me now", so I got something to drink and now in my office thinking. He doesn't realize yet how serious I am, but he will over the next few days. Once again, thank you for your kind words, you are such a sweetheart!

Seeker_Advice - Thanks for a mans perspective, much appreciated..

**jns** · 11-20-2010 10:02 AM

You are not being unreasonable, but let me rephrase the situation.

Everything has been going like clockwork for a long time. He has been working graveyard and you have been working days. Between the two of you, there has always been someone around to take care of emergencies with the kids and to be around when the kids are home. As that is what you both preferred for raising the kids, it worked out well. Now the nest is empty. You feel lonely, so you want to expand the time together by having him change his shift to match yours.

Were you before OK with sleeping alone for many years, because it was a sacrifice for the kids and your career? Was he for the kids and his career? It may take some time for him to become comfortable with this idea. Maybe he does not want the same level of intimacy that he wanted years ago. He has filled his spare time with hobbies. Will he want to back off on those?

Point out to him the benefits of working days. Add some new points from time to time. Reserve some of the new points so you can add to the list every day or week, making it seem as if the list is endless. Figure out what the two of you like to do together in the evening, be it dancing, dining, etc. Add those things on the list. Show hm the reasons why he would want to change and he most likely will change. But it will not be as simple as buying expensive jewelry.

**JustHormonious** · 11-20-2010 12:19 PM

Hi jns -

Everything has been going like clockwork for a long time. He has been working graveyard and you have been working days. Between the two of you, there has always been someone around to take care of emergencies with the kids and to be around when the kids are home. As that is what you both preferred for raising the kids, it worked out well. Now the nest is empty. You feel lonely, so you want to expand the time together by having him change his shift to match yours.

This is true, with one exception. The first 5 years were for the kids, last 12 years for my husband.

Were you before OK with sleeping alone for many years, because it was a sacrifice for the kids and your career? Was he for the kids and his career? It may take some time for him to become comfortable with this idea. Maybe he does not want the same level of intimacy that he wanted years ago. He has filled his spare time with hobbies. Will he want to back off on those?

To be honest, I have never liked the arrangement but he has. Happy husband, happy life... I'm not asking him to give up his hobbies, he deserves to have "his time". I'm just asking him to change the times. As far as "level of intimacy" that's a good question.

To me having to list benefits over time.. Not going to happen. I have ask the question and if the obvious benefits aren't enough for him, we will have a dilemma. I know this sounds harsh but it is the way I feel and it will not change.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-20-2010 01:07 PM

To say "don't you be going all soft on me" suggests that he feels your just being emotional about life and as such, it will pass...

But, I can see that your being strong on your decision but there is no fault here, this was decided or agreed to 17 years ago, and has been going on for 17 years without discussion or change...

So 1st shift, 2nd shift, 3 shift, ... How do you know that there isn't another employee that is doing 1st or 2nd shift that despises it as well? Or, that the employer wouldn't consider someone rotating? Say fortnightly?

Why not make that suggestion to your husband, you know being together during the day, every day, on-going where he was used to sleeping is going to be a slow transition and in addition, an adjustment for both of you....

Having the me time (some of it) that you have been used to as a career woman, self sufficient is also going to be important as you have become very in-dependent...

A suggestion of rotation if someone else in the work force agrees may just be the answer for both of you, I know the body goes out of wack, but it's possible, people do it here frequently...

I do understand that you feel that you have put your children and your husband before you, all your life... But, remember, it's not his fault, this was an agreement made along time ago that has never been bought forward to change, until now... It's not your fault either... Change is hard to do...

**Beautiful Disaster** · 11-20-2010 01:51 PM

Change is hard. Even harder on some people than others. 3rd shift is a TOUGH shift to get used to....I'm sure you know this from when he started 3rd. He's been on it so long now that it's what he's used to. I've worked a day shift in every job I've ever had. The thought of going to a 3rd shift job does not sound at ALL appealing to me. I expect this is much how he feels......because 3rd is what he's used to. We often seek comfort and familiarity....but rarely seek to change something that's going to change everything we're used to. Ask yourself....what if he told you "You've been working day shift now for 17 years....Id' really like it if you could start working 3rd so we'd be on the same schedule"??? Maybe you'd agree....but it wouldn't be easy...

With that said....I do not think you're being unreasonable. I think because he has the option, he should give it a shot as long as it's something he can switch back to if he's not happy on 1st. I think he should consider it. But, I do not think it's something I'd fixate on, or spend too much time worrying about. You guys have made things work...and you will continue to.....either way. But, I do hope he gives it a thought and gives it a try for your sake.