Thread: Now EX FIANCE might be bisexual?

I tried not to freak out because I knew he would shut down. I asked him who it was with and the details of it...and asked if he was gay and he said he wasnt...He told me that he had tried giving a blow job to this guy and that it didnt feel right so the other guy ( who is gay ) gave it to him and they gave each other hand jobs...no sex, no kissing, no touching elsewhere...This happened on 3 different occassions throughout a 7.5 year span..
He just said that it was an instant gratification thing...that he isnt attracted to men physically, he doesnt want a relationship...nor does he have any kind of emotional connection...! It was purely just to get off...

I tried not to freak out because I knew he would shut down. I asked him who it was with and the details of it...and asked if he was gay and he said he wasnt...He told me that he had tried giving a blow job to this guy and that it didnt feel right so the other guy ( who is gay ) gave it to him and they gave each other hand jobs...no sex, no kissing, no touching elsewhere...This happened on 3 different occassions throughout a 7.5 year span..
He just said that it was an instant gratification thing...that he isnt attracted to men physically, he doesnt want a relationship...nor does he have any kind of emotional connection...! It was purely just to get off...
Our sex life has never been great...! Its kind of been non-existant...actually....for many reasons....
Im just curious to know if anyone is in my shoes...!?
We were engaged but I broke it off...because the past 7.5 years he hasnt been fully invested in the relationship, he had problems obviously with commitment and wasnt happy but never voiced how he felt because he grew up in a home where there was no communication...and he never wanted any conflict...he's a very passive guy...He's never faced this til now and Im quite upset that he didnt feel he could talk to me or that our relationship wouldnt be able to withstand something like this...
Is it really possible for a guy to only like the concept of being pleasured orally by another man and not think anything else of it?
Ive done research on levels of bisexuality to try and understand...he says he doesnt even think its bi sexual...but who knows..
We are going for counselling individually and together to try and figure things out.
He is being very proactive and swears that this chapter of his life is closed and he wants nothing to do with it and wants to commit to me and only me. He's chosen me and is ready to give this relationship 110%.
Although there are a lot of details left out in this message, that is a short message about the basics of it..

ANY FEEDBAcK would be appreciated!

ITs been about 2 weeks since this has come out and we were talking again the other day and I was asking questions about how it started and stuff and brought up the guy he did stuff with when he was younger and asked if there was anything that was ever done with that guy...and he finally decided to tell me that there was ONE occassion in teh beginning of our relationship where the guy gave him a BJ....after swearing up and down that there was nothing else that he felt guilt free and was ready to start new....he comes out and tells me this is the only other thing that he was hiding....

well when i was a jr in highschool i had NEVER had any feelings towards girls at all. my best friend and i were really close and one day [possibly because i was lonely] i suddenly felt like i had feelings towards her. i never acted on it and had TONS of bf's but about a year later i had moved to a different town and discovered i had feelings for another girl i was friends with. i was nervous but i thought well lets roll with it. we fooled around and did things im not proud of and at the time i thought it was ok but afterwards i felt so awful and sick and went into a bad state of depression. maybe your man was just confused like i was. a loss of connection and identity. my friend is in love with a gay guy. they've made out and he tells her all the time he's in love with her but he's scared of woman parts so she's just standing by the way side until he decides that he likes vagina. who knows maybe hes being honest and he really does love you. all i can say is i feel for you girl!!!

I think one of the things you have to look at is the fact he cheated on you 3 times "for gratification, meh, no feelings , no big deal right?" Wrong. If it were a woman that the met up with and got a hand job from gave oral sex to just to 'get off' would you feel differently about it than if it were a man? He sounds a little sexually confused at this point.

There is a culture of straight men getting/giving bjs for sexual gratification that proclaim not homosexuality, just a business like sexual exchange for orgasm. However its debatable as to if someone can be totally straight and able to give men blow jobs without any sexual feelings for his penis and vice versa. But it all comes down to fidelity more than sexual orientation I think.

I mean when a straight man gets into a committed relationship, he doesn't stop beign straight.. he still is attracted to other women... but he doesn't act on that attraction anymore because he is being faithful. Just because he's attracted occasionaly to men (if he is) doesn't mean he should act on it if he promised to be faithful to you. Sure he can tout the 'but , but , you don't have a penis and I just want to experience something you can't provide... or whatever" Men commit to women with small boobs... and don't get to have one-offs for gratification with women with big boobs just because their s.o. can't provide that for them.

When you are committed, you are supposed to be committed... else you should admit you need to be single as you are not done having sex with whoever you want. Far too often people suffer from the cake and eat it too syndrome. They want the perks of having someone love them unconditionally and being true to them while not being willing to make the same sacrafice of also remaining to true themselves.

So I guess what I am trying to say here is more so than his sexuality you should be questioning whether or not he is ready to be with you and only you.. whether or not he is bi. I think dating a bi person would require a HUGE ability to trust because if they are going out with a buddy of the same sex, you have to wonder , where as if they were straight -- you'd know they were just with a buddy. So it would take a really strong foundation to be able to believe in your partners ability to keep it in their pants... but given his history it might be hard for you to do that.

If he is interested in men, there is no counseling that will 'fix that', it is what it is. Just like there would be no amount of counseling that could convince you to BE gay if you were not.. people are attracted to what they are attracted to. Just because a guy is straight, when he commits doesn't mean he becomes only sexual to his s.o. its just that he chooses to only act sexual with his s.o. and just because a guy is bi doesn't mean he can't commit in the same way, and still be attracted to whatever but only act on sexual feelings with their s.o. But someone that is cheating, it doesn't matter if they are cheating with a man or a woman. Infidelity is infidelity. And if he feels he has oats to sew, he should let you go so that you are free to sew your own oats, or to find someone that is ready to be with only you.