Envious of my fiance going out without me

**ashy09** · 11-29-2010 10:21 PM

Is it just me or do yous get very jealous of your fiance going out having fun, drinking lots with his friends (a few of them are pretty girls, whome are thinner than I am and I would just say sexier and ''more interesting, because he hasnt been dating them for 2 and a half years making them seem more appealing). Ok he hasnt kissed or slept with anyone else etc and I trust him in that respect not too, but I still get envious if he spends abit of time with them and he'll be smiling and happy and flirting with them just a little bit. It really bothers me and upsets me. As it makes me think 'oh, what am I here for then again?', 'i wish i had that spark with you all the time over everyone else'.

Im in a long distant relationship at the moment while I am at uni and this is my second year. So ive been through a year of long distance and had a lovely long summer holiday spent with him at home. There have been a few problems of the past year (even when ive been at home) with him hanging out having a good time without me with his friends.

If it was just him hanging out and having a laugh with a group of lads then I wouldnt mind as I wouldnt feel the need to as good as some pretty lass.

This is really getting me down. Its soo hard and to not have anyone to talk to about it makes me feel a bit lonely. When ever I say something to him that bothers me, like when i said that I was jealous of his friends getting to hang out with him and I dont. He just doesnt have anything to say back. He'll just listen to what i have to say but wont comfort me about it.

Ive texted him saying 'we need to talk', as I really need to sort these feelings out. I feel like its much easier saying we should end our relationship so that I dont feel hurt from the jealousy and hopefully it would spark our relationship up, with the idea of us still fancying each other and getting a thrill of trying to win one another over. Though i know this isnt a good idea. As i would be soo hurt if he started even seeing someone else. Its that bad that I am jealous of the girls he was in previous relationships with or had sex with. Even though I had only met him the same time we started dating. Im annoyed that he even thought of them the same way. and its stupid!! but my feelings are just so envyous. Though i am glad that i can see this as a silly situation, but my heart just sinks.

Im suffering an awful dose of green monster syndrome. How do yous cope who are in a long term relationship? I just want to feel better :'(.

Its gotten that bad, that i feel the need to check his facebook all the time recently and I know thats bad. I was fine at the start of uni happy to give him privacy! Not checking his phone for text messages or his facebook for who hes been talking to, but now its crept back up again. I get soo anxious if i dont! I really miss the confidence I felt when I didnt feel the need to check up on him.

I would greatly appreciate any help on this! :'(

**ashy09** · 11-29-2010 10:26 PM

I also have this sort of rivalry I feel towards hims. Like when we're happy and in love together then everythings great. But as soon as i feel hurt slightly i feel angry about him. Thats when our relationship turns into 'a lovers tiff', I dont see him as my boyfriend/fiance/partner I see him as some guy i really fancy whos flinging my feelings back into my face and that makes me stand right up for myself.

I will stick up for myself if someone decides to have a go at me, but when i feel a little down and thing negatively about me i will 'attack/bully' myself.

I just dont know what to do or think, i really need help

**stressed** · 11-30-2010 10:32 AM

Have you always felt like this about him or do you think it's his behaviour that causes you to react? If he made you feel confident about the relationship you probably wouldn't feel like this at all. But in most cases jealousy is caused by the other person. You don't feel he's your fiance but some guy you fancy, that tells me you don't spend any quality time together, he spends more time with his friends (it shouldn't really matter if it's women/men, as long as he knows what he wants and SHOWS it to you).

Long distance relationships ARE DIFFICULT. My advice is, don't take all this too seriously until there's no distance between you and him. You go out, with your own friends (preferably guys), add people on facebook, flirt a little, and deal with this later or break it off. He won't instantly change once you're together and he's not going to stop what he's doing while you're apart. I can guarantee you that.

You can ask him to spend more time with you and less with them in the future, but unfortunately, this is the kind of guy he is, he likes spending time with friends and he likes to flirt even if he's engaged. You're not doing anything wrong, but do be careful with your expectations. This is who he is. If it bothers you then you're not obliged to stay in this.

**Seeker_Advice** · 11-30-2010 10:55 AM

To me, it boils down to two things; Trust and Respect.

Do you TRUST HIM? If you answer yes, then what's the problem? If you answer no, then why are you still together?

Does he RESPECT YOU? If he does and he knows this bothers you, then why is he doing it? Do you RESPECT HIM? If you do, then why do you let his behavior bother you?

I can only speak from my perspective as an "Alpha Male"...high drive...lots of testosterone....and somoene who has been told that he's a flirt (I don't agree).
The lady I'm NUTS about (see threads) asked me ONE time about my behavior. Then she told me how it bothered and effected her emotionally. DONE! Never again.

Just like flicking a light switch, I modified my behavior to please the woman I love. NEVER do I want to do anything that makes her feel uncomfortable, though sometimes I still step on my own face and screw up.

I didn't turn into some spineless Gumby or some man without testicles, I merely modified my behavior to please the woman I love...I compromised.

Isn't that what love is all about?

**stressed** · 11-30-2010 11:53 AM

A good friend of mine once told me that a relationship cannot last without trust, respect and honesty, like SA said.

Unfortunately, a number of people (men/women) don't like to be told what to do, probably due to some complex or other personal or past issue in their lives. They consider their partner's 'worry' as an order and why should they be the ones changing and not the others. That it's not a switch they can turn on/off and it takes time. They have to struggle with own selves before they accept and realize what the other is telling them.

It's supposed to be easy to modify your behaviour for the one you're crazy about. At least it makes sense to me. But how to you explain it to those who don't want to listen due to their own problems...

**Casey715** · 11-30-2010 12:39 PM

Well I don't think anyone should have to 'modify' their behavior for anyone. You are who you are. What if he said you need to 'modify' your thoughts and not be envious. Should you, or could you even if you wanted to, 'modify' your behavior. Being jealous is your problem and if you let it continue, it will ruin your relationship. I can guarantee you that. The only person you will ever be able to change is yourself. Work on that.

**Seeker_Advice** · 11-30-2010 01:58 PM

Compromise not one of your strong points Casey?

So, if you're an alcoholic, you're an alcoholic? A flirt? A flirt? A wife abuser, A wife abuser?

Relationships aren't about compromise...I forgot. Sorry!

**KMonte85** · 11-30-2010 02:28 PM

Originally Posted by Seeker_Advice

So, if you're an alcoholic, you're an alcoholic? A flirt? A flirt? A wife abuser, A wife abuser?

In many instances, YES. An alcoholic, for example, is and will always be a recovering alcoholic. This is a woman having insecurity issues with her fiance going out with friends while she isn't there. He's not beating her. He's not drinking himself into oblivion every night. He's going out with friends, some of whom are women. ashy has said that there hasn't been any sexy behavior between the man and his female friends. She says they flirt, but are they? Or is she insecure and every time he laughs at her jokes or shows any sort of attention, he's flirting?

So what's the compromise? He's not allowed to hang out with any female? That's not really a compromise either. Or he can only hang out with his friends when she's there?

To me it seems silly to not allow your sig other to have friends and spend time with them without you, male or female. Now if he was being secretive about some of these women or flat out not wanting ashy to be around when he's out with them, but it seems ashy knows them, and because of the living situation isn't able to come along all the time when they go out. That spells more to me that she should work on trusting her fiance and not feeling threatened so easily by the presence of other women, instead of focusing on him limiting allowable friends so that she can feel comfortable...

**Casey715** · 11-30-2010 03:15 PM

Originally Posted by Seeker_Advice

Compromise not one of your strong points Casey?

So, if you're an alcoholic, you're an alcoholic? A flirt? A flirt? A wife abuser, A wife abuser?

Relationships aren't about compromise...I forgot. Sorry!

Letting your m8 always get their way under the guise of 'compromise' is not for me, nope, sorry. All too often women complain because the guy they 'get' is different than the guy they started with. Thats because the guy 'compromised' (i.e. LIED) about who they are and can't keep it up. They 'compromised' because that is what we think you want. This causes many problems, America's divorce rate is more than 50%.

So, demand he not flirt with these women. Don't let him go out with these women. Tell him if he chooses to do this, you will leave him because he is not caring about you and your feelings and this is the same as disrespecting you. And no women should live with a man who is disrespecting her.

So, he chooses to do as you ask, because he loves you. Now in 10years, he is flirting with women again and you can't figure out where it went wrong.
NOTHING went wrong, it is who he is. He 'altered' how he acted, but you can't really CHANGE who you are.

**ashy09** · 11-30-2010 03:23 PM

Thank you guys very much for your comments, they are GREATLY appreciated!

Stressed thanks for your point of view. Its very true, and it explains the problem to me clearly. Like I should let my fiance clearly know when i feel we are lacking quality time together. Though I did, it was hard to change his plans when he goes out every weekend to the pub with his friends. So thats where the initial problem is, as we will be together during the week when i am back at home in the holidays and he would be working during the week then he works in a different town every saturday so he goes home every friday evening and this is when he would hang out with his friends. Yeah why not hes aloud. I dont want to stop him.

I have a clear head on knowing whats right and wrong but then my stomach will sink in certain situations and thats when the insecurity comes out.

I really appreciate SA also! So thank you for your view cos it fits in nicely with hearing what would be my fiances point of view. I just need to make it clear with him that its upsetting me but at the same time i dont want to get in the way... I want to compromise! I will let you do what you want to do because I love you but I just want to share with you some of my feelings which may be daft but they are affecting me right now and I just want you gain knowledge of that.

Casey I see what your saying aswell, but I dont think you should hold a strong firm shield in front of you as soon as someone just even starts to mention the idea of something they arent comfortable with and wouldnt mind if you could, change slightly or compromise, to fit the situation as it wouldnt be too much to ask. Ok some things you dont change if its not you, but if its to just get along with someone then you should be aware of some of your actions and tone them down a little. If your not willing to do that then youve got nothing left but to walk away. You are never going to find someone who is exactly on your wavelength, its impossible and it would be boring. So compromising is a big aspect of a relationship to keep it flowing.

Kmonty - Exactly just that, If he even laughed at another girls joke I would feel ''hurt''. I would see/feel it as flirting. Even though its just a general social aspect of any friendship or civil conversation. Whereas flirting really defines something a little more that just social interaction. You would do things you wouldnt really do with your parents for example haha Like having a cheeky squeeze of someones bum or looking at them for a long amount of time with a flirty look in your eye and a serious feeling about going further with it.

So that I do need to build on, Like I was fine for the first few weeks of uni being away, i was happy with the situation he was in now. But a few more months before that i was like i am recently. So its just developed again. As the time spent apart has been longer. So the feelings of feeling almost forgotten about start to kick in. Though we do talk alot online, and we speak to each other by text at least nearly every day. I feel like i am really missing the being there together with each other, and spending quality time together having a few drinks with him on his own or with his friends. So I think this is where the jealousy is starting to creep up. That others are doing what I really want to do and that is to hang out with my fiance and have a laugh. Because Im not there i feel that this may also push him towards flirting with other lasses because he misses the female affection he gets when i am around.

so yes... again stressed with your second post, I couldnt agree more and thats why I am worrying now because Im not supporting our relationship with all those things strongly. Thats one of the things i love about my fiance is that we dont get stuck in a rut and get stubborn about compromising for one another. We are open and try to see and listen to each others point of view. You definitely need that in a relationship. So what that i feel we are strong. It is just the long distance that is putting a strain on it all. So thanks for reassuring me that long distance is difficult and that the best way is to not take it too seriously. As it is easy to niggle at to each other with the things your happy with, the main one being, not being around for one another when the other one needs you. Thats when it starts to get tough. So I just need to stay clear from being negative and focus on the positive. That the next time we'll see each other will only be soon (which it is only three more weeks to go now) and to stop mourning on the fact that we are not together, and that it wont be anytime very soon till we are.

Again on another lighter note, me and my fiance had a lovely chat online for over 2 hours just talking about things we generally talk about, and also abit more about his weekend. I feel more confident now that we were both agreeing on how yeah he may have a good time with his friends but its not the same without me as we are like best friends and we can talk to each other about anything and we both have the same views and that some of the things we talk about we couldnt talk to others like his friends at the pub, and thats one of the reasons why he misses me as we are so close and make each other happy as we can be ourselves around each other. I'll be speaking to him later on and ive already told him that i had to share my feelings about a problem online and hes listened to what im upset about. But the advice you guys have given are great and I will read them out to him next time i talk to him so that we can be clear on what we want and how the situation is politically but then how i have gone and interpreted a few silly things a different way. Just want to share it out with him and let him understand alittle better where i am coming from and how he can help.

Thanks again for all your advice and I'll let you know how it goes. x