He wants to see some 'fire'?

**stressed** · 11-30-2010 05:30 AM

Long-term past frequent porn user SO, selfish in bed, having to make an effort to have sex with me, of 2.5 years living together just told me that I'm always 'too calm' and wants to see me more happy and 'firey', "just once". He also added he doesn't mean dragging him to bed, just being "up" and "firey". To that I said, I'm not like that, I'm not the kind of woman he finds attractive, but he told me I'm overreacting.

This is a blow to me, as I was the one being all passionate when we started this relationship and have tried everything during the first year of us living together (underwear/waiting for him at the door/candles/jumping on him/dragging him etc. just everything) but after 1.5 years it just started dying. Being turned down all the time, getting little affection, same sexual position for years, him being more concerned about his own pleasure and his penis than my body, isn't exactly what makes one keep the passion which he never showed.

Today I told him that I'm losing hope with sex/intimacy, it's not working. So at some point he told me the above, as if I never look happy, never show any passion, but he wants me to try today. BS. I told him I've stopped because I don't want to be disappointed again, but he just said I should try "just once", as if I've never tried.

I don't know what he wants, I just believe he's not attracted to me, I'm not the kind of woman he finds attractive, but he denies it. I can't just be all up and passionate after all this time of being rejected and ignored. How on earth do you make a man admit he's not physically attracted to you? It's so clear that it drives me crazy he claims the opposite.

He probably expects some "porn-like" behaviour, since he values porn a lot, but come on, be real...

**Hopeless Dork** · 11-30-2010 06:00 AM

Stressed it sounds like in all your hurt over his past/current behaviors that you have really allowed yourself to believe he isn't attracted to you. What are some of the reasons you think he'd be with you if not for basic sexual attraction? I don't think that it has to do with him not being attracted to you and more to do with a sexual dysfunction that he refuses to address. He wants you to be all firey... how can you be firey and porno -- even if you wanted to when you have to be chained to his nipple the entire time. He has put limitations on what you can do, he has no right to be resentful for what you don't do.

You have given and given and have sacraficed passionate spontanious sex to assure that he's able to orgasm in his one way and now he thinks you need be more up? He doesn't make an effort to selflessly pleasure you ... and yet you still do so for him when he wants that from you. I think he just fired back that you need to be more blah or blah... just to be defensive... as if to blame you for your being unhappy int he bedroom. If only you were more this or that then he would be... but you know thats not true.

He can say what he wants to deflect from the issue... but he still has no good reason for not attempting to pleasure you in ways that don't involve his penis. With the way sex has to be performed each and every time (with only his pleasure in mind) the least he could do is be open to pleasing you in other ways when you need it.

But if you go tit for tat with him and only give what he gives you'd be left with nothing. And I know you enjoy intimacy and would rather have intimacy geared towards his pleasure than none at all.. and the sad part that works against you is I'm sure he knows that too.

**stressed** · 11-30-2010 07:05 AM

Thank you so much, it was really helpful to read and understanding.

Only thing is, before he left for work he told me to be "all that" when he gets back home, not be pessimistic and "be ready for some great stuff". I honestly don't feel like being anything like it at all, it won't solve anything. But if I won't it will lead to an argument, he'll say I don't make the effort when he does, that I'm negative etc.

All this started because I told him how he's suddenly started paying attention to himself since he got promoted about a week or so ago. For a week now he's been wanting to shower before work, shave, use deodorant (he barely ever uses it), and today he put on a new t-shirt I showed him last night (he's the kind of guy who can wear the same clothes the whole week+ and not pay attention to his looks at all). I told him that and mentioned how he obviously cares more about how he is at the meetings, whether he smells bad or good, whether he's showered before work, than how he is at home. Of course he called me crazy, that just because he changed some routine doesn't mean anything, that he can shower after work too, that it's important for him to be decent at work 'cause he has meetings now (not that it matters, but there are women bosses there too, just saying).

Anyway, I don't know what to do. I'm really down at the moment. The last thing I needed was him wanting to look proper at work and a pig at home, only to blame me on top of it all that I'm not "firey". BS...

**pretzel** · 11-30-2010 07:30 AM

My dear, I know you and I have given our opinions on him and his issues before and I'm sorry to say that this is just another layer of it.

If you may recall, I've said before that he's a true "mamma's boy" and that he will only do just enough. He really seem incapable to doing anything for himself, and the changes for work will be temporary (i.e. just long enough to become comfortable in the new position) and he will eventually revert back to his old ways.

But, alas, it seems his affinity for porn is now not giving the satisfaction it once did. Now he needs to go to a new avenue. He's now looking for you to be his porn cache. This isn't going in the right direction. I hope you understand the implications that I'm trying to draw.

**WildChild** · 11-30-2010 07:38 AM

I feel your pain. Not living together but have had much of the same emotionally and sexually and now told I need to "defrost" my heart. I don't know what to tell you. Are you willing to give it one more shot and put on a show for him?

**Beautiful Disaster** · 11-30-2010 07:44 AM

It sounds incredibly frustrating to say the least. Sounds to me like he's feeling a bit better about himself, so maybe he's feeling more "firey" and wants to see the same in you. But you're not a light switch.

I'm like you. I'd have a hard time being told "I want you to act a certain way when I get home from work today"......and do it. I'd feel forced, like it was an act.....and like he'd obviously know it was an act and that it would be more of a "role play" than reality.

With that said..... if you can't find the "firey" you, the you that smiles, laughs and is able to enjoy herself with him, then I'll say once again, you shouldn't be in this relationship. Because if you're miserable, frustrated, unhappy, feel unattractive, don't have any respect left for him, (and rightfully so...)....then the relationship is an empty shell. It's nothing but an empty shell you're carrying around just to have it. But nothings inside.

**stressed** · 11-30-2010 07:48 AM

Good points pretzel. It's sad and very hard for me to accept as I find all this so abnormal that I can't believe it's happening. This man can't be for real.

Just to add some things that show how many issues he has, two examples happening one after another only a couple of days ago:

He was on about his penis (what else) and joked about how "big" it is, when he only implied the opposite. I told him it's great, I love it, but he said "but you see how they are in porn, so much larger than me, your ex'es had bigger ones too" (he asked me several times to tell him if his was the biggest one I've experienced and that was 4 years ago, and it's not, sorry, I'm not going to lie about something as ridiculous as penis size, that's high-school insecurity level and I've never made him feel inferior about it in any way). I told him that my ex'es were taller too, so what. He only said that "it's not the same".

Later on I was suggesting him a different technique to give him oral sex so he'd enjoy it more since I thought he'd like it (stupid me still thinking about how to make it better for him some times). He said "but that's difficult, even those women in porn can't do it, you can see how they just suck on it, it's too difficult to ejaculate in someone's mouth" (i.e. if the "porn sex-godesses" can't do it then nobody else can). So I told him that it IS possible, we can just try it. He insisted it's not. So I told him "I know it's possible because I've done it". His reaction was: "with who?" (he's never met/seen my ex'es and last time I was with an ex was over 5 years ago). I told him who, so he said "oh, that guy. How many guys' sperm have you swallowed"? a question asked between serious and not serious, which I ignored. So he just went on to say "well, tonight we'll do it the way I want to, I've wanted it all night" (=the way he always does it, nothing special anymore).

Counseling? Psychiatrist? Sexologist? A new porn-free brain? Just let him be in his misery and move on?

**stressed** · 11-30-2010 07:57 AM

Originally Posted by Beautiful Disaster

It sounds incredibly frustrating to say the least. Sounds to me like he's feeling a bit better about himself, so maybe he's feeling more "firey" and wants to see the same in you. But you're not a light switch.

I'm like you. I'd have a hard time being told "I want you to act a certain way when I get home from work today"......and do it. I'd feel forced, like it was an act.....and like he'd obviously know it was an act and that it would be more of a "role play" than reality.

With that said..... if you can't find the "firey" you, the you that smiles, laughs and is able to enjoy herself with him, then I'll say once again, you shouldn't be in this relationship. Because if you're miserable, frustrated, unhappy, feel unattractive, don't have any respect left for him, (and rightfully so...)....then the relationship is an empty shell. It's nothing but an empty shell you're carrying around just to have it. But nothings inside.

He may be feeling better about himself just because I've started feeling quite bad about all this that it shows. I can't even be sure whether he's pretending to feel better to keep this together or if he truly wants anything. If it's going to end it will end sooner or later, it's been going downhill for a while now that it will happen. That's why I'm not too concerned about whether it should end or not, as I know it will when the time is right. But it's just ridiculous to be blamed for anything on the subject, that's a first from him and I can't believe it.

Originally Posted by WildChild

I feel your pain. Not living together but have had much of the same emotionally and sexually and now told I need to "defrost" my heart. I don't know what to tell you. Are you willing to give it one more shot and put on a show for him?

I could be the one making the effort today, and try to be pleasant and happy. But I know what will happen tomorrow: he'll mention how great he was the previous night and ask for a b/j as a reward, because he was "so good". Which he won't be. But I'll have to say he is not to cause any further mental/sexual issues. If he hadn't blamed me for his ignorance I wouldn't be as confused, but to give in after being blamed for it... I don't know. It won't be good anyway and he'll brag about how right he was to ask me to be "happy and up" and what a difference it makes for him the following day.

**KMonte85** · 11-30-2010 07:59 AM

Originally Posted by stressed

Counseling? Psychiatrist? Sexologist? A new porn-free brain? Just let him be in his misery and move on?

With all that you've had to go through, I would suggest you go with your last option... This man has made it abundantly clear that your feelings don't count. Between this post, and the others, you've written a story of hurt, underappreciation, and selfishness. Yes, I understand that there is more to you relationship than these posts, but really... even with all the good, the bad you've written about is PRETTY DARN BAD.

You tried to be the vixen, but it wasn't good enough compared to his porn - so understandably you stopped. Now his porn isn't good enough, and he's throwing it back on you to be his sexual entertainment, like you're some blow up doll sitting in the closet waiting to be inflated and used when he comes home from work. And you better be ready, because if you're not then it is YOUR fault.

I actually hurt for you reading this.. trying to put myself in your position, and having to hear those words. It hurts my feelings, and I wasn't even the one who had the conversation.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 11-30-2010 08:16 AM

I actually hurt for you reading this.. trying to put myself in your position, and having to hear those words. It hurts my feelings, and I wasn't even the one who had the conversation.

AGREED!!

But it's just ridiculous to be blamed for anything on the subject, that's a first from him and I can't believe it.

I've met people that could justify ANYTHING. No matter how ridiculous they sound in doing so, no matter how false what they are saying is, there are people that can not only justify it to themselves, but actually BELIEVE what they tell themselves. At the same time, they are able to remove any personal responsibility. He's one of those people. He tells himself "well if she'd act more like these girls on porn do" and he believes that even though it wouldn't matter if you dressed up, looked and acted JUST like one of them...he'd find something else. He behaviour, he self serving, selfish, inconsiderate, actions have ruined the fun loving intimacy, the spicy sex, the endearment, the love.