Husband left about 6 weeks ago...

**Jenn531** · 12-03-2010 12:37 PM

Ok a little background info.... In August my husband went on a camping trip with his family and got drunk and ended up kissing a girl i found out about it 2 days after he came home we talked and i forgave him but by no means did i forget and trust him fully... well a few weeks after that his mom and dad split up and thats when he really shut down from me... Well things really started going down hill and he ended up leaving October 14th saying we were going to try to work things out well i found out only a couple days later he went and slept with the girl he had kissed on the camping trip... and a week after that his friend set him up with a girl which he is currently with... We have a 2 year old son that he hardly ever sees any more... he has told me that he is so depressed since he left but he never wants to be with me again... he has admitted that he has started smoking pot and taking pills and I have heard from more than 1 person he is doing harder drugs too... I don't know who he is anymore he was an amazing husband and father before he left... He was a volunteer firefighter and was going to school so he could make it a career and hes not even doing anything with that... We've been together for 3 1/2 years He was 16 and i was 18 when we got together... He tells me he loves me just not in love is there any hope in him becoming the man he used to be?

**Seeker_Advice** · 12-03-2010 01:11 PM

Nope! That hope went away when the drugs and the new woman or women came into his life.

It's a difficult time with the holidays fast approaching, but you need to go into "protect me and my son" mode now. Change locks, close then re-open under your name only...new bank accounts, cancel ALL credit cards that your name is on with his, contact any loan holders, like auto finance companies and explore your options. Contact your landlord or mortgage company, the power company, cable company, etc.

You both sound pretty young and this is pretty tough stuff to get your head around, but it's no time to be "playing" with a drug using womanizer.

Protect yourself and your son from any future harm (emotional or financial) as best you can right now. Then you can think about what to do next.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 12-03-2010 01:12 PM

Sorry to hear what a tough time you're going through. First and foremost, you are young and you have LOTS of years ahead of you. Please don't try to patch something together that's inevitibly going to lead you down the path of an unhappy life.

With that said.... if he's doing pills and possibly harder drugs, then there's a good chance he was doing them before he left. I know you think "no way, if he was I would've known"... but I lived with a man for a year who was taking anywhere from 5-10 painkillers a day, I'm VERY observant, and I had absolutely no idea that's what he was doing. He had temper tantrums, outbursts etc now and then, but he'd always blame it on being stressed or tired. Really, it was when he needed pills and didn't have them.

Be prepared for the fact that what you know now, may only be a fraction of what he's actually been into.

Tell them that you want him to get help. If he refuses, think about the possibility of planning an "intervention" with others in his life who may be concerned by what he's doing. He needs to get clean before making any decisions to do anything else.

**pretzel** · 12-03-2010 01:15 PM

There's always hope, but to what end? Are you convinced (and do others believe it) that he's fallen off what his priorities are and what he wants out of life, or is this what he really is?

If he's "lost his way" then once he (with alot of help) gets his priorities straghtened again, believes his goals are attainable and that you and your son are first and foremost in his life, then yes, there would be hope.

But if he's the irresponsible person who deals with life's pressures by escaping them, then you could very well be in for a life of the same behaviours.

Think for a second about his "I love you, but not in love with you". Whether or not you may want to read into those words, they are sending a very powerful message. It's not the best of messages either.

**Jenn531** · 12-03-2010 01:38 PM

I've known him forever... We rode the school bus together way back when... He has always been a little crazy but when we got together all the partying stopped for the most part before i even ever got pregnant... He drank very rarely and thats all he does now besides the drugs... This is not him at all he has always been there for me from day 1... His friends and family are really worried about him but are scared to say anything to him and if i do he just starts crying and stops talking... Idk what to do... I would love to be with him I love him more than anything in this world... I would love to have the man who use to make me smile,the man i could tell anything to, that cried when we found out i was pregnant, that saved up for months for my engagement ring and cried when he asked me to marry him, the man who actually helped plan our wedding and cried when we got married, the man who would do anything for anyone the minute they call, the man who has goals in life... the man i know not the man hes turning into. I just dont know anymore its killing me watching him throw his life away.

**pretzel** · 12-03-2010 01:45 PM

Originally Posted by Jenn531

I've known him forever... We rode the school bus together way back when... He has always been a little crazy but when we got together all the partying stopped for the most part before i even ever got pregnant... He drank very rarely and thats all he does now besides the drugs... This is not him at all he has always been there for me from day 1... His friends and family are really worried about him but are scared to say anything to him and if i do he just starts crying and stops talking... Idk what to do... I would love to be with him I love him more than anything in this world... I would love to have the man who use to make me smile,the man i could tell anything to, that cried when we found out i was pregnant, that saved up for months for my engagement ring and cried when he asked me to marry him, the man who actually helped plan our wedding and cried when we got married, the man who would do anything for anyone the minute they call, the man who has goals in life... the man i know not the man hes turning into. I just dont know anymore its killing me watching him throw his life away.

To me, that's a huge cry for help. I'm sure you've heard of the show "Intervention", it should not matter, someone has to act on his behalf. Right now, he's incapable.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 12-03-2010 02:24 PM

What you're going through is very hard. That's a very helpless feeling I'm sure. IF he's addicted, then the thought of help petrifies him. Talking about it just brings it more to surface, so he's going to avoid that too. The more he can hide and be in denial, the happier his addiction is.

I would be VERY surprised to find out that this doting husband/father suddenly dove into drugs and affairs with no warning. My guess is like I said earlier, you'll find out there's much more to this.

He has to get help...but he has to want to get help. You cannot sit around and torture yourself dwelling on what you thought you had with this person...because reality is what you have NOW, which is a husband who is having an affair, a husband who is on drugs, a husband that is telling you he never wants to be with you again and is not in love with you. Those things cut like a knife I know.....but that is what reality is right now.

You have to be strong. Your son needs that from you. Now is the time to pull it together and decide how YOU are going to deal with this for you and your son. Daddy's a big boy....you cannot make him get help, you cannot make him want to come back home. You have to deal with the things right now that you CAN control...you and your son.

Don't wait on him to talk to his family.......do it yourself. Tell them the truth about what's been going on......and ask for help. *hugs*

**Jenn531** · 12-04-2010 11:01 AM

He admitted to me the other day that he had been going to strip clubs while he was supposed to be at work when we were still together but denies he had ever cheated on me besides the kiss... and He told me he had smoked this stuff call K2 its artificial cannabis that won't show up on drug tests... But for the pills and other stuff i couldn't even get him to take a perscription pain killer because he was afraid it would show up on his random drug tests they do at his work... I have told his mom whats been going on and she has never even called him yet to ask him about it... And i told his best friend who is a marine and he called him and tried to talk to him about it and tried to get him to join the marines so he can get away from here and all it did was make him mad and he called me asking who called and told him whats going on... No one can get to him... I guess he is just going to have to hit rock bottom before anything will get better? Another thing... he gets very jealous and if he finds out i'm out doing anything with another guy but he can do whatever he wants and i can't question it... Idk i just dont get it...

**WildChild** · 12-04-2010 11:13 AM

I think it's mostly called immaturity.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-04-2010 02:11 PM

Some people are strong, other are weak..

The Divorce was pending and whilst he was on a good track, it in my opinion affected him badly, the kiss, the drugs were before the Divorce, he feels there is no future in marriage, after all his parents split.. And, if he doesn't see your son, you can bet that his Father is not seeing "his" son, and so he's made his mind up to be carefree, give a darn about life, women, full stop...

You can't change him, he has to want to change himself but first he needs an understanding of the Divorce, he needs the love back from both parents.

I don't know if you were close with them, but take the drugs and women out of it, if you love him, it's him, his needs, the reasons why this has occured that needs to be addressed... Call both parents and just let them know that he feels that he has lost his parents, it's their battle but they have a child and a grandchild, he needs them...

Solving that problem just may bring him back to the reality of life he was in before.

I don't know if he's fallen out of love with you, it's possible 16 years of age, now going on 20. People come into our lives for a reason they don't necessarily stay for ever, they can love but not be in love... The fact that he still talks to you, suggested a bond certainly but that can be a strong friendship bond....

We as women view, romance as "forever" the fairytale... But, if this relationship is not mean't to be it won't be... It only means that someone else is out their waiting for you....

But, view solving his pain first you may find that's all it was and he's going on the road of destruction as a result...

CW