Expecting 3rd...would like your opinion

**Beth39** · 12-12-2010 09:57 PM

My husband and I, had differing views on having baby no.3 for a while, I was ready, and he felt we would be overwhelmed with a third child. Time passed, and then it came down to final-decision making time (I was at the point where I needed closure on the topic, my second is almost 4, and I want them somewhat close, and I am not getting any younger)

Anyway, when it came down to it, my husband realized how important the baby was to me, even I finally expressed real emotion. That was the trigger for him to support my 'dream' of a third. Yet it was not a common project, or desire, the same way our first two were. His position is ''I dont want you to missed out on something you want so greatly, and I support you, etc'' he believes the first few years will be hard, but thinks he can be happy and that we will eventually get though it emotionally, financially, etc. So suddendly all resistance dropped, his speach was pretty convincing and on our first attempt, bingo, baby no.3 in on the way.

Still I feel some guilt, for moving him in a direction he would not have gone. I am concerned that I should have aggreed to it, only if he wanted it too. He is doing it to make me happy. I told him I was already happy, but he was afraid his rejection of the 3rd child would damper our relationship. I dont know if that is founded or not.

WOuld like to know your opinion: do you feel couples should always be on the same page about the additional child, or do you feel it is acceptable that one partner aggrees to a child he doesnt deeply want in order to support his spouses desires.

Beth

**Hopeless Dork** · 12-12-2010 10:24 PM

I think couples should absolutely be on the same page about children, additional or otherwise. I think its only fair to bring a baby into the picture (on purpose, that is) when both parents are both wanting to take on all the challenges it will bring TOGETHER. But this way or that way when one person wants a baby and the other doesn't... one party is likely going to feel resentful , feel like their wants/wishes were not as important as the other partners.

If you understood his reasons for not wanting to add a third and backed off the idea, all the while feeling you really needed that third child for whatever reasons you wanted to have it... you might look back with regret and resentment toward him.

He might feel the same though that his desire to keep your family at 4 wasn't respected and that he was forced to bring in a 5th or risk having you miserable... which could bring about some feelings of resentment on his part, if financial stresses arise in the future, other problems etc..

But if you guys have a loving relationship, if you make the sacrafices for him that you are asking of him then there shouldnt be a problem with resentment in your specific case. With both of you wanting something different here, someone was going to have to suck it up and compromise or you two would be at odds over it... and it sounds like he was willing to make the compromise to keep the peace and to make you happy.

Maybe the idea will grow on him and he will be very happy that you pushed the issue, It would just be important, I'd think... on your part to go out of your way to make sure you dedicate some time to him and your relationship as to not make his fears of your relationship dampering a reality. In other words, just try not to lose sight of your relationship with each other, and making him a priority in your day to day life -- so that he's able to see that you having another baby won't take from what you guys already have.

**Beth39** · 12-13-2010 07:42 AM

Thanks for your insight, I gather it is not a black or white answer. Your description of the possible resentment on both parts are totally correct. THis is why the issue felt unsolvable. In the end, he did the comprise, and not me, this is why I feel guilt. This said, we do have a very strong loving relationship, and yes, I do support his personnal endeavours, so we both know how to compromise. Still a child is a big issue to comprise on, this is why I am concerned. But what is done, is done. I just hope I can get passed this guilty phase, and enjoy the moment, and embrace the hapiness and the love of both the newborn and my man.

Again, appreciate your words of wisdom Hopeless. Just curious, I noticed many of your posts, do you just use your common sense, or do you have some sort of relational advice backgroud?!

**whit4488** · 12-15-2010 09:07 AM

i feel that both parents should agree among the same wish to have or not to have, to wait or not to wait. i feel a healthy marriage is always a little compromising and sacrificing, but in the case of children. however, im sure he will love that child all the much when he/she comes and will be blessed to have him/her! best wishes