my fiance (his Drug problem) and mistakes ..help

**JuliaBarill** · 12-13-2010 08:21 AM

Okay so here goes, When i first met my fiance he was a drunkin drug dealer. Then he got with me and soberd up for 3months. He got 2 jobs moved with me to the burbs and i thought everything was going great until his ex shows up at his work. So, for 3 nights in a row he stayed out till 8-9-10 in the morning. I knew somthing had to be up ..i drillrd it outta him...then he finnally admitted that he slept with his ex and was doing crack coke drinking..day in night. So theres that...just wait im gettin to it...........so after all was said and done mind you i have serious anxiety and depression issues. He explains that it was only for the drugs? idk anyway so i forgive him...whatever 3 more months go by and he has another breakdown....this time he goes to the city for 4 days and dosent come home. he was staying with him mom....but the very first night his lady friend comes over and him and her get high off crack coke weed loratabe herowin and beer....he gets (edit) up he sleeps with her...mind you..shes like 200 pounds zits on her face mind you my fiance is the size of eminem the rapper. he explains to me she brought me drungs and he dosent remeber ....now heres the thing ladies...im not idiot. i know what hes doing is wrong and he has a serious problem. BUT ITS REDICULOS HOW HE CANT CONTROLL HIMSELF. HE DOSENT REMEBER NOTHING....ACORDING TO HIM HE WAS SO OUT OF IT HE REMBERS HE GETTING OFF HIM BECOUSE HE WOULD STAND UP FFROM ALL THE DRUgs...hes told me hes lost most his relationships like this in the past............. SO what do i do?...it like i haft to babysit him if her wants to go...and he goes out knowing that he could up...but if i did somthing like that hed beat the outta me...... what do i do?....Im not leaving him...but this raises my anxiet levels to the max.....i only want down azz bi(edit) posting to this...real women out there who aint gunna say leave him bla bla.......seriously...WTF DO I DO?----------julia

**pretzel** · 12-13-2010 08:52 AM

Well since you're bound to make this work, I think your options are very limited.

Until such time that he either 1) realizes the effect his habits are having on the relationship, 2) realizes that this ex is an extremely bad influence on him (and thus you), and 3) he'll either end up dead or in jail, I don't see much you can do short of what you said, babysit him.

Addictions in any form are destructive to any type of interpersonal relationships. It doesn't matter what is root addiction is, it's the cause and effects that the addictions play that is the root cause.

**KMonte85** · 12-13-2010 09:16 AM

you recently posted this to another woman's thread who was having problems with her boyfriend going out:

Originally Posted by JuliaBarill

gurl id put my foot down and tell him how it is and if he dont like it then dont talk to him...if you meen that much chose you. <3

If you truly believe the advice that you've given the other member, then you already know what to do.

**JustHormonious** · 12-13-2010 11:02 AM

i only want down (EDIT) posting to this...real women out there who aint gunna say leave him bla bla.......seriously...WTF DO I DO?----------julia

Are you serious? Your fiance is not the only one with a problem, have you ever heard of co-dependency? You need to work on your own issues before you can help someone else. Instead of babysitting a grown man, you should be doing research on the diseases that he may be bringing home. Who cares how much his ex weighs or what she looks like, I would be more concerned with her giving him a gift, that will last a lifetime. You better think about what's important, your health and well being.

**JadedQueen** · 12-13-2010 12:02 PM

Drug addiction is NO JOKE... it's a disease that will take everything you love, want, care about and leave you with misery, depression, alone, homeless, in jail/prison. I have a lot of experience with this subject and it's a rough road you are heading down if you don't plan on leaving... then prepare yourself for a bumpy ride and in the end you will be a totally different person it can't be helped... being an addict or being involved with an addict is going to have a profound impact on your life, it can't be helped.

First of all... I have a few questions...
1. How long was he sober before his ex showed up at his work and he relapsed the first time?
2. How much time passed between his first relapse with the ex and the second relapse? Did he use any substances at all in between?
3. Does he still have his jobs?
4. What was his main drug of choice? From the sounds of what you posted he likes whatever will get him high
5. How much do you know about his background? Has he had a difficult life? Trauma's when he was a child (abused, molested, neglected etc...)? Are any of his family members addicts?

Speaking from past experience (and there has been a LOT of it) the ONLY way he's going to get clean and sober and stay that way is....
1. Decide that it's what he wants not what people want him to do... this usually happens from hitting rock bottom, it's not fun anymore, running out of options and people playing the tough love card and not giving him anything that will help him get high, not allowing him to stay with you if he is high etc...
2. Go to treatment and commit to it. From what I've seen the behavior modification treatments work better for a lot of people that have a background trauma that they are trying to numb themselves from. The 12 step programs are also good, check into both and let him decide which he will be more comfortable with. If he has a history of depression, past trauma, emotional issues then behavior modification is the way to go because it teaches you how to deal with the emotions that typically drive you to use.
3. If he decides to go to treatment and is serious about it.... my next suggestion is to move somewhere totally new because when he is out of treatment he needs a new environment somewhere that he won't run into people he knows that still use. There are a lot of things that can trigger an addict in recovery and most of them you can ride out... but running into an old friend that has a pocket full of drugs is almost impossible for any addict to resist (and from your post... that has been the reason for his relapses).

I know you want to be a down $$ girlfriend and stand by his side... that is commendable but DO NOT become the person that enables him. (gives him money for drugs, drives him to get drugs, make excuses for him when he's coming down from drugs etc....) Don't be afraid to practice tough love and stick to it even if it means he ends up walking out the door that may be what it takes for him to seek the help he needs to get sober. Tell him that you love him and you are willing to help him but ONLY if he is willing to help himself.

Oh yeah.... a few more ?'s
How old is he? How old was he when he started using drugs? How long has he been using?
Good luck.

**JuliaBarill** · 12-14-2010 08:59 AM

Hey jaded queen.....First of all... I have a few questions...
1. How long was he sober before his ex showed up at his work and he relapsed the first time?
2. How much time passed between his first relapse with the ex and the second relapse? Did he use any substances at all in between?
3. Does he still have his jobs?
4. What was his main drug of choice? From the sounds of what you posted he likes whatever will get him high
5. How much do you know about his background? Has he had a difficult life? Trauma's when he was a child (abused, molested, neglected etc...)? Are any of his family members addicts?
.....1 he was only sober for 3 months. 2. No substances in between, 2nd relaps 2 months later.
3. He only has 1 job now, the other job he used to work construction with my dad.. not any more you do the math. 4. main choice of drug ...crack 5. beat by his father....subosiably when he was a little boy he got into the tub with his sister and stuk it in....he was like 6 she was 14, i dont know about neglect.....his age is 24 his mom addicted to narcotics booz..... Also he started smoking marijuana at age 11.........doing crack since 13 /14................................................ ..............................thank you for all of you help guys even if its a a little rough i still need to hear it.

**JadedQueen** · 12-15-2010 03:53 AM

Sounds to me like he would benefit from a behavior modification treatment facility. From the sounds of his past and family history of addiction using drugs is the way he has learned to cope/function. With a behavior modification treatment they educate you on recognizing your "triggers" (things that make you want to use) and how to deal with your triggers without using. Along with treatment it sounds like he also needs a bit of therapy to help him deal with his past and family life. Good luck and keep me posted on the situation. If there's any other help/advice I can offer just let me know. I'm not new to the addiction situation and if there is any advice I can give from past experience I'm here for ya.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-15-2010 04:10 AM

Julia I ask people to read "all your threads" before replying, by viewing your name, "all threads posted"...

He was your husband, then fiancee, then boyfriend, then single, then with you, he is / was into drugs, has an addition, he won't have sex with you at all, probably now that I've read this, because he's on drugs and so the 40 toys that he buys and uses with his hand he knows will work and when you want so badly that intimacy he knows he won't go up so says you "won't like it" and moves away..

I asked you in another thread has he ever hit you? Here you say he would how do you know that unless he has? Or threatened to? Your not scared of that?

You say "don't tell me to leave" so your rebelious

You say, want to change him, you want it to work and you say you suffer depression and anxiety.

Work on yourself first, and for most, you shouldn't have to take this should you?

You shouldn't have to accept him binging on drugs and sleeping with the past which by the way are into drugs and probably sleeping with others as well, and maybe he has a serious problem like STD as to why he won't sleep with you all people have a conscious.

Mostly...

There is alot more to this than you are telling that he is telling..

Go and get checked, get him checked, get him to AA, get him help and please see yourself as beautiful instead of you are a saviour of something out of your control..

CW