My husband is getting to fat...

**cashybum** · 12-13-2010 12:16 PM

When I met my husband he wasn't skinny or fat. He was 6'2 240lbs. We've been together almost 5 years and he's now almost 300 lbs. This bothers me for several reasons. #1 I worry about his health, his snoring has increased and he's complaining he is always tired. #2 He's starting to get to big to be on-top! His belly is starting to get in the way and the angles are off/not as much pelvic contact as i'd like. #3 nothing turns me off more than watching him eat a mountain of mac and cheese or 1/4 slices of cake at a time.

I've tried to nicely explain to him my feelings but I don't think I'm getting through. Is there anything else I can do? Cooking healthy meals are not easy for my family as we both work odd schedules. Even if I did cook a healthy meal he would eat 8 times the portion size defeating the purpose anyway.

**KMonte85** · 12-13-2010 12:32 PM

Talking to someone about their weight is SUCH a touchy subject. I'm sure you already know this, but you MUST tread lightly with this discussion, or the situation might get worse...

Don't tell him that his belly is getting in the way of your sex life, or that it grosses you out to watch him wolf down food.. it may be how you feel, but you're going to hurt him. I know you said that you've tried to explain nicely before with no results, but getting this direct will not help either.

Have you tried swaying the conversation that YOU want to get healthier, to try to coax him into a healthier lifestyle too? It is much easier to become a healthier person when you've got a "partner" to do it with you and help support you. Maybe try telling him that you want to change some things in your lifestyle and you want him to do it with you. Start cooking those healthy meals, and ONLY make enough for each person to have one serving. He can't go back and eat 8x's the portion size if there is only enough for 1. Throw out any/all junk food, sodas, etc in the house and replace them with only healthy snacks so if he tries to get around the smaller meals by eating junk, he can't. Start on a moderate exercise routine and ask him to join you... even if it is just a brisk walk before or after dinner... or join a couples sports league... or challenge each other on the Wii or similar if you have it.

I did this myself over the summer, only I really was just trying to get myself healthier, but because my lifestyle choices impacted my boyfriend, he also ended up losing about 20 llbs. And that was just by me changing the food available around the house, and taking the dog for longer walks.

**KMonte85** · 12-13-2010 12:46 PM

Sorry, but I just thought of another thing... its also easier to transition to healthier meals if you try to work around the types of food that he already loves...

So you mentioned he enjoys mac and cheese.. make him mac and cheese (not a ton though, as portions matter) but use whole grain noodles, part skim ricotta, skim milk, pureed squash, panko breading and olive oil, etc.. you can find great recipes online for just about any meal made healthier.

If he still won't listen, you could also try taking him to the Dr and getting a physical... the Dr. should tell him that he needs to lose weight, and you can use that as a sounding board as well to make healthier choices with food and exercise.

But anyway you choose to go about this, as frustrated as you are... I really hope you won't just drop a whammy on him and tell him he's getting too fat for you and it is grossing you out. Just thinking of that from a woman's perspective can make those words so hurtful. And even with the extra pounds added, he's still the man you fell in love with and married. You owe it to him to be as gentle and loving as possible, making the issue about health and increasing your longevity than about the # on the scale and physique

**pretzel** · 12-13-2010 01:19 PM

Me, personally, I have a somewhat different take that what KM has, not that her viewpoint isn't valid.

I'd tell him, point blank, he's getting too heavy. His sleep has been affected, his risk of type II diabetes is now exponentially higher, his risk for heart disease is higher, his blood pressure may be affected, etc.

I'd tell him those things, then I'd tell him that it's becoming too uncomfortable having him on top of you when you have sex and that it's not what it was before.

Correlating better sex with losing weight may be a real big motivator him. Then you can introduce the exercise, the healthier diet. Let him see that him losing the weight is allowing for both of you to enjoy a better sex life.

**WildChild** · 12-13-2010 01:25 PM

I was thinking very much what Pretzel said. Don't tippy toe around.

**cashybum** · 12-13-2010 01:29 PM

Cooking dinner is not easy for us... He works nights and we own our own business that I run so we eat out a lot. Although I don't eat very healthy myself, I eat much smaller portions. I'm 5'8 and 130 lbs.. my job is physical (we own a horse boarding and training business). His main job is sitting all night long and he admits that's where he does a lot of his eating. He works all night then at least 3 days a week he comes to the barn and builds something so he does get active. He drinks diet soda, that's not the issue. I just wish there was something I could do to motivate him to want to lose weight.

**KMonte85** · 12-13-2010 01:31 PM

pretz - you may have a point... given that you're a man, you might have better insight than I do into what may motivate men to take their weight problems seriously..

It probably depends on how her husband is, if he's more of a direct person, or if he's someone who takes things personally. I'm hestitant to tell anyone to be so direct mostly because of my own relationship. I know my bf would be crushed if I told him I was beginning to find his weight a problem, sexually and otherwise. He takes comments about his appearance pretty personal! Heck, he can get a little sulky if I tell him to comb his unruly hair or put on a shirt WITHOUT holes in it when we're headed out to dinner. But it depends on the person. So someone who's a bit more direct (such as yourself, pretz!

), may well appreciate the to-the-point discussion.

Guess it depends on what kind of guy your hubby is, cashy! Also, keep in mind that he has to WANT to get healthier.. any discussion, direct or otherwise, will go nowhere if he doesn't really want to change. Does he acknowledge that he needs to lose weight?

**pretzel** · 12-13-2010 01:47 PM

Originally Posted by KMonte85

pretz - you may have a point... given that you're a man, you might have better insight than I do into what may motivate men to take their weight problems seriously..

It probably depends on how her husband is, if he's more of a direct person, or if he's someone who takes things personally. I'm hestitant to tell anyone to be so direct mostly because of my own relationship. I know my bf would be crushed if I told him I was beginning to find his weight a problem, sexually and otherwise. He takes comments about his appearance pretty personal! Heck, he can get a little sulky if I tell him to comb his unruly hair or put on a shirt WITHOUT holes in it when we're headed out to dinner. But it depends on the person. So someone who's a bit more direct (such as yourself, pretz!

), may well appreciate the to-the-point discussion.

Guess it depends on what kind of guy your hubby is, cashy! Also, keep in mind that he has to WANT to get healthier.. any discussion, direct or otherwise, will go nowhere if he doesn't really want to change. Does he acknowledge that he needs to lose weight?

I don't know that me being a guy gives me some type of Svengali wisdom, but from my own perspective, weight generally isn't something that is very high on my priority list so it's possible that her hubby just doesn't realize that he's put that much weight on (and 25% is very high) so I tend to think this is something that needs to be dealt with directly. He may well be upset and insulted, but the benefits far outweigh the short term risks of his feelings being hurt.

**cashybum** · 12-13-2010 02:25 PM

The sad thing is he constantly comments to me about other peoples weight! This is usually when I joke "well hun if you look like that then we're screwed because that person would crush me and I hate being on top!" We fight about sleep a lot as we both feel like we don't get enough..I did mention that it could be his weight causing sleep apnea or something. He is the type of person that doesn't really care about his appearance. His style is "to not look gay". His favorite thing to wear are stupid political propaganda shirts like "Stop clubbing baby seals" with little seals dancing under a disco ball with strippers. He will wear wrinkly, holely, whatever and doesn't care.

When I met him, he was a marine. Didn't have the greatest fashion sense but at least he was super clean, hair always cut, clean shaven... he is the complete opposite now!

**stressed** · 12-13-2010 10:04 PM

Tell him it's very bad for his health, which it is. That you're worried about him, even if you love him the way he is.

Still, I get the feeling there's more than weight that bothers you about him... hygiene, haircut, facial hair... You don't really find him attractive anymore, do you?