Thread: How to get over my husband having an emotional affair?

Here's my story: In February I noticed my H spending more and more time on his phone and on facebook in the evenings at home. One night I finally asked him who in the world he was talking to that was so important that he would rather chat online with them than spend any time with his family - he told me he was talking to "T" (I'll leave it at that for her name). Over the next week I found out that he had been talking to "T" for several weeks, that they had moved past chatting online but also were texting each other, calling each other and she had visited him at work twice. After 15 years of marriage, I had never had a reason to not totally trust him and my initial concern was that we had drifted apart enough that I no longer knew what who he was friends with and he no longer felt like telling me. I told him my concern and also added that I did not feel comfortable with the situation with his conversations with "T" and requested that he not talk to her for awhile while I wasn't around until I was more comfortable with the situation. He told me he wanted me to meet her and her husband, that there was nothing going on and agreed to not talk to her if I wasn't present. However, a couple days later I found out he continued to call and text her. I sent her a FB friends request, she ignored it. We ended up getting into an argument about it all and I again made the same request and he again agreed and again I found out he continued to call and text her a couple days later. At that point I said no more after also receiving a $700+ phone bill from his up to 100 text messages to her daily and he agreed. That began a 9 month cycle that involved us fighting about him continuing to call and text her (he also made a couple of visits to her house during that time and she made a couple more visits to our business), him promising not to anymore and then me finding out in one way or another that he was still talking to her and so on. During the last 9 months, we have had terrible fights about this, he has moved out (once at my request and three times on his own) and we have went to marriage counseling (until I found out that after counseling sessions, he was calling "T" to complain about them). Arguments became very traumatic because he would often leave the house angry with me for trying to talk to him or sometimes for no reason at all, would go to the bar and come home drunk or not come at all. One night he came home drunk enough that he forgot to delete his text messages off of his phone. I found several to "T" with one saying that he was missing her and another saying that he loved her.
Currently we are together, he has again told me that he is no longer talking to "T" and is committed to making our marriage better and has not been drinking. However, I am feeling a huge range of emotions and feel like the only way I can get through it is to sit down with him and talk about and deal with all that has happened. Unfortunately every time I try to talk to him about it, he becomes angry and another fight ensues. Last week he finally came right out and told me that he doesn't want to talk about any of it, doesn't want to talk about "T" and that it should be enough for me that he is saying that it is over between them.
So here's my question, how do I get through this without talking to him about it? I feel horrible nearly everyday. My self esteem is crushed, I question everything that I ever believed about him and our marriage and am so hurt by it all that I sometimes just fight not to just sit down and cry. Would appreciate any advice - thanks!