My ex is behaving terribly - guess I shouldn't be surprised

**tesoro** · 01-04-2011 08:14 PM

I'm going through a separation with my now ex-husband. Of course, I never expected it to be easy and I was pleasantly surprised at how well I handled the situation, especially when he left. I was happy to have my space and my privacy...not to mention the freedom.

Now that a few months have passed, we're still working with the lawyers to iron out the separation agreement details. The problem is, he's letting his parents get too far into our business.

We agreed to both protect our teens by not speaking badly about the other person but what I'm learning is that every time my kids go to their grandparents house, they are subjected to a loud and angry discussion about what a bad, ungrateful person I am and how I am after his money.

Well, the law here is quite clear about longterm marriages - over 20 years. In this case, both parties are entitled to a 50/50 split on assets and because my ex makes more than I do, I am entitled to child support and spousal support. My lawyer is going to work on that part.

The problem is, how do I protect my kids from being subjected to this kind of abuse? Do I confront him and tell him to make sure his parents stop this? Or do I ignore it and just try to help my kids feel safe and secure as much as I can? How can a grown man allow this to happen to his children? I just don't get how he could use them this way!

**rcoreyus** · 01-04-2011 11:09 PM

Money issues can make an otherwise civil divorce get ugly. I don't know a real solution, but it is easy for both sides to feel they are getting cheated (and this may be encouraged by lawyers). This sort of anger can easily spill over to other family members, and make its way to the children.

Maybe rather than "confront" him, just ask nicely if he would talk to his parents - try to keep the children out of this.

**Seeker_Advice** · 01-05-2011 04:16 AM

Where I live in the U.S. (Indiana), "abuse" of the children is not tolerated for very long. Unfortunately, it takes some documentation to get results. Also, once they reach the age of 14, they are able to speak in open court, should THEY desire to do so.

Obviously, it's going to be very different then in Canada, but I bet the feeling about "abusing" children is similar by the courts.

Since your children are teenagers, I'd ask them how they feel about going to the grandparent's home. Try to ask in a way that is not negative in tone towards them.
Then, at a later time, without the children present and without sharing what was said specifically, I'd share how they feel with your ex. It should be pretty clear but sometimes people need to hear it to believe it.

Document, document, document....this and every other "episode" that occurs between your children and ????

My experience taught me that the courts really don't "care" about me or my ex, but they do "care", to the best of their ability, about our children....at least they like to say they do and that's what they frequently base their decisions on....

I put "care" in quotes, because just like the word "fair"...neither of them really exist in the family court system in the U.S.....at least the one that I was exposed to.

Confrontation is the LAST thing I would do. I wouldn't confront him. I wouldn't confront them. Not now, not ever. Keep a cool head, document everything negative that takes place and go from there.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-05-2011 04:28 AM

Parents protect children, I suspect they don't like the 50/50, child support etc...

Be frank and honest with your children, tell them unfortuantely you and their Dad are no longer suited but both of you love them and want to protect them including financially and that parents protect, grandparents will protect their son...Sorry that they have to listen to that...

Then calmly talk to your husband ex, and say the same thing and ask that he ask they respect, children need both parents, he appreciates their support and love but the children are the important issue, don't turn one against the other.

CW

**tesoro** · 01-05-2011 08:37 PM

Thank you all for your advice.

I have decided to support my kids as best as I can by not getting drawn into an argument with my ex. I have offered to take them to counselling if they would like and I have let them know I am available to talk about anything they would like without being judgemental or becoming angry or sad.

They have told me that they really appreciate having me in their life, so I think I am doing a pretty good job under the circumstances.

Today is a better day.

**Colorado** · 01-05-2011 10:14 PM

I don't think asking him to talk with his parents about this is going to make any difference honestly... they can and probably will continue to voice their own opinion as they see fit unfortunately.
May I ask how old the children are? If they are mature enough to understand the entire situation, I think the best thing to do would be to sit and rationally explain everything to them - then they will understand and know that the ex-inlaws are feeding them a line. If they are too young to really grasp the situation, I'm afraid there is little you can actually do... But definately continue to talk with them about it - and it won't take long for them to see who is blowing smoke and who really cares for them.

**WildChild** · 01-05-2011 10:51 PM

You can explain it simply and honestly: Sometimes when things change it scares and upsets people. They may not really understand what has happened but they think they do or they pretend that they do. Because they are upset or angry or scared about the changes they may say things that they think are true but they aren't. We know they are wrong but for right now we have to be patient and understanding and give them time to get used to the changes. Hopefully after a while they will see that you are OK and they will feel better about it.

**tesoro** · 01-10-2011 09:14 PM

Thanks Colorado and WC.

My kids are 15 and 18 and I think they are able to understand the situation quite well. I just worry that their grandparents are going to brainwash them the way they have their dad.

I am trying to stay positive and keep everything at home as normal as possible. I don't get into any of the issues with them and if anything, I encourage them to see their dad. I don't ask them question about visits with their grandparents but sometimes I notice they come home looking upset and that bothers me but I am ready to answer any questions they may have. I just leave it up to them to initiate the conversation because I don't want to burden them any further.

Their dad keeps threatening to go to court if I don't settle under his terms but I'm not going to give in to his tactics...we'll see how it goes.