going through a rough time

**DESILUCION10** · 01-11-2011 06:31 AM

I hope whoever read this post could understand my english, I'm not from here, but right now I just need to express myself. I've been married for 10 years, we have a 9 year old son; on jan 4, my husband confessed me that years ago he cheated on me, I kind of suspected that for years, and told him before that if a ever find out that he did it, our marriage will end right away. Well, he did it, cause could not keep this secret anymore..he told me that as a consequence of this affair, he has a 6 years old daughter, oh my gosh, I could't believe it, my body started shaking, I couldn't stop crying, and of course I had so many questions, why me? who's the mother? does he still sees her? why? why? why did I do to deserve such a terrible thing? my world has been destroyed. He apologized big time, I didn't know what to do, other than cry. It took me a few hrs to put myself together nd realize that I love him nd was willing to work things out, he was happy about that. We made and appt with a psicologist, we both need counseling as a couple, but also need to work on our own issues. I feel sorry for him, for hidding this big secret for so many years, not to be able to see her daughter; he says the last time he saw her was in 2005 when she was 13 months, he cheated on me with a coworker who knew he was married and also knew that he did not want to leave me, that's why she tricked him to get pregnant. Once she got pregnant the relationship ended, but she called him to register the baby with his last name.. she did not want any child support, she want him...but he decided to stay with me..I hate that woman, I will never forgive her, and I hope she burns in for doing this to me. Two weeks ago he went on damm Facebook and saw a pict of the girl, who by the way was name after his grandmother, he says she looks just like him...I don't want to know anything about them; I know when she gets older, would like to know about her father and hopefully I'll be ready for that. That woman got married again, she had two daughters from a previous marriage. Now I just want to be with him, spend as much time as possible together.
I don't know if I ever gonna heal, I have so much pain. I feel that he is not giving a 100% like Iam. Sometimes I feel like dying, I know the smart thing to do will be get the divorce, but I can't picture my life without him, I'm so inlove. I feel so miserable now...

**Beautiful Disaster** · 01-11-2011 07:02 AM

First of all, you already know that no man is worth dying for and taking you away from your child. You already know that, so don't even let yourself say something like that. Second, be careful not to direct your anger solely at the woman. If you hate her, you must hate him too? He was the one who made a vow to you and promised to love and respect you. Your husband was as involved in this as she was. Your husband was married, and having an affair and unprotected sex with another woman. Did he not care if he brought disease home to you? When you have unprotected sex you risk getting pregnant, I'm sure your husband was well aware of that. Do not let him fool you into thinking he's a victim in this.
He brought a child into this world. And rather than being a man and owning up to what he did so that he could be a FATHER to this child, he has neglected his responsibilities to his own flesh and blood. And if he and this woman just had a sexual affair, how did she even know the name of his grandmother?

And now, you've decided you want to stay with him.... but not because you are capable of forgiving him, but because you're scared of being alone. You want to work through it, yet he's the one that had an emotional AND physical affair, and he's not putting forth much effort? He should be doing everything possible to work through this with you and try to build back your trust. So why are you the one making all the effort when you didn't do anything wrong?

**DESILUCION10** · 01-11-2011 07:30 AM

Thanks for your reply,
I know you are right about everything you said, I know it was his fault too, and that's true I should not be the one fighting for this marriage... Last night I told him that he better start making some changes if he really wants things to work out, because I know right now I'm so vulnerable, but that is not gonna last forever, and once I get stronger I may be the one kicking his butt out of this house. But right now I need him, he is my medicine, can't live without him. About her daughter he dissapeared from her live since 2005, that women did not want to know about him until he gets divorce, wich never happened, he doesn't want to disturb her life (daughter)
You know that he always ask me for another baby, he wanted a girl, and I always said no...when I found this out, I changed my mind about it just for a few days, I wanted a baby too, but I don't think that's ever gonna happen.. Thanks for your support, that's all I'm asking for...

**Beautiful Disaster** · 01-11-2011 07:36 AM

It's understandably a very difficult time for you. Now is certainly not the time to make rash decisions (trying to have a baby). You would be doing it for the wrong reasons.

When a spouse cheats and you decide to stay, what you hope for is they will respect you for it, appreciate the fact that you loved them enough to stay. But what happens alot of time is they end up losing respect for you because they know if the situation were reversed they'd have already left you. And even sometimes subconsciously, they think "She doesn't respect herself, so why should I?". Please be careful of that.

Don't ever think you can't live without someone. Don't fool yourself, you are much stronger than that. And most importantly, you deserve to be happy. You deserve to be with a man that unselfishly loves you as you do him. Not one that will compromise your marriage, your love, and your health so he can have sex with someone else. Not someone that gets another woman pregnant then tucks his tail and runs away from it....that's cowardly. You deserve happiness and your child deserve a happy mother.

**DESILUCION10** · 01-11-2011 08:07 AM

All these years I though I had a "happy family" could't ask for more. My son adores his father, he is my everything, and don't want to hurt his feelings, that's one of the reasons why I'm willing to work things out, I think, we, as familiy, deserve a second chance, please don't judge me. I know nobody die for love, I just need time to get myself together. At the end of the month I'm planning a trip, I'm gonna visit my friend and try to relax, I'm going alone. Not that I really want to go, but I guess I need to...Again thanks for your words, and I know you are right about almost everything.. and that's what really makes me sad.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 01-11-2011 08:14 AM

Please understand that I'm not judging you. You will not be judged here. You will do what you think is best for you and your son, and if it turns out not to be the best thing, you'll deal with it at that time. I (and most anyone else who may respond) am only here to give support and advice....but I am in no way judging you. What you're going through is very difficult. You will always have support here when you need it.

The trip is a good idea. And I hope you have a wonderful time!!

**DESILUCION10** · 01-11-2011 08:23 AM

Thanks. Writing in this website, is helping me a lot, I don't have to many friends in this country, and also I'm not ready to tell this to my family or his. I don't want to break their hearts.

**WildChild** · 01-11-2011 08:49 AM

I agree with BD. A trip is a great idea. Give yourself sometime to really consider what you want. Your husband will need to understand that he will have to earn your trust and love again.