Where do I go next? What do I do?

**eye2change** · 01-12-2011 08:35 PM

Hello, just a quick history... Been together 11yrs. married for 7yrs have 2 children 7yrs and 5yrs. Husband is not an affectionate type, he doesnt take me out all the time and when he does he takes me to the same restaurant which is his friends restaurant.

I have many things to say about our relationship and I could go on and on but the most important thing about is about last year is all where it started. Caught him talking to a woman... his coworker in a different state they have been speaking on the phone, chatting online and emailing each other for the last five years. This broke my heart. We tried to go to counseling but after 6 sessions he stopped going he claims that he's too busy to do a 45 mins session once a week.

We've been fighting almost everyday, results sometimes into hitting eachother. I asked him plenty of times what he wants to do? He's always reply is whatever I want. By now pretty much I give up.... But here's the tricky part- He's the bread winner... All those years that I spend time taking care of our children I didn't think to prepare my self, I was too comfortable. Now he has his own account, keeps things away from me...

I just recently aquired a new part time job but that's not enough to support my kids. I know the details between child support but since he makes all these money I'm afraid he can hire a good lawyer and I'm FUDGE at the end! We have a house together but of course he's been paying all the bills. I have tried to do everything but the result is still the same. I know there's nothing there for him... I try to talk and all he says is "I'm listening and I'm tired". I don't want to be out and hoping that we work things out but he's not. It seems that he's friends are more important than everything. Please help me. I want to know what's my next step. I don't want my children and I to end up cramp up in the streets. Do I stay and pretend nothing is going on and live the life of semi-luxury or do I go and get out with my kids and try to find a decent job and struggle to survive?

**Hopeless Dork** · 01-12-2011 10:53 PM

No matter what good lawyer he gets, he's going to have to support his children. If he has a good job, there's no reason a court would have his children living out on the streets... so I don't think you should let that be what worries you most. But if you are going to decide to stay for the semi-luxary and the fear of the financial unknown... you should really try to develop a life of your own so that you don't rot away from lonliness, emptiness.. etc.

Take some classes, get a full time job, start an exercise program, join some clubs or start attending functions where you can meet friends of your own and develop a support network of people that care about you, find meaning to your life outside of him. If all you do is sit around and focus on him and how little he seems to care lately, you are just going to make yourself miserable.

So instead of taking the leap of leaving right away, if you don't feel safe/comfortable doing that... why not just start trying to find happiness in other areas of your life, start building your own nest egg, start making your own friends... and when the time is right, and you're ready to go, you can go and it won't be such a leap into the dark unknown.

If you have family, friends... call on them for their support, start focusing on you and your back up plan for a life without him if you can't see yourself being with him much longer the way he is.

Even if you do decide to stick it out for good with him, with the way he's acting it would not be terribly shocking if he was the one to pack it in and leave eventually. Maybe he's ignoring you so that you'll be the one to up and go , so the divorce would be 'your' fault and not his. I know nothing about the way divorce laws work as far as fault and if that has an effect on alimony etc. You should probably get some advice on all that from a professional.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-13-2011 01:48 AM

I totally agree with HD...preparation is your tool...

You know relationships are hard work....people can "settle" in it, forget the work involved, tend to daily chores, tend to daily work.... You become friends then enemies.

In addition, some are really not ready for a wife and children, they have had problems before, their mates are more important, as they know that they will be there for them...and they hear stories, of Divorce, and they prepare, with separate accounts, pay the Mortgage themselves, act in otherwords all the way through as a Batchelor...

What concerns me is the hitting, you both hit each other, that has to stop, your children are around to start with and secondly, that anger can go terribly wrong one day... I suggest on that note, simply, we have to stop this, for the children, they can't see this happen it will effect them in the future...

Regardless, this relationship isn't one...

So, work your part time job and keep all the money, he wants food? He will have to provide it, he asks why? Your saving for the children's schooling seeing as he earns enough, don't give any hints of your thoughts there....

No man can get away with not paying child support unless he goes on welfare but I doubt he would do that...

You, your kids, can't remain in an abusive marriage where physical attacks are occuring...

Speak to your family save some money, speak to a Lawyer and start working it all out, plan..

CW

**JadedQueen** · 01-13-2011 03:32 AM

You need to talk to a lawyer. I realize that money is an issue for you BUT...
1. Majority of lawyers out there offer a FREE initial consultation.
2. Depending on the laws in your state your husband may just have to pay for your attorney's fees. You can get all that information during your FREE consultation.

Most states are 50/50 states which basically means EVERYTHING is community property and during the divorce proceedings everything will be split (unless you both decide otherwise on something specific and agree to it).

ALSO... often times in a divorce since you have been the homemaker taking care of the kids and you weren't in the work force or going to school he will be required to pay child support BUT in addition to that he may also be required to pay spousal support for a specific amount of time until you get on your feet.

If things get rough prior to filing any divorce proceedings you can do a legal seperation and he would be required to continue to pay you and your childrens living expenses until the divorce is finalized at which time the divorce would specify child/spousal support. Don't think just because he is the bread winner that you don't have options, because you do! I wouldn't be suprised if after you contact an attorney and let him know that you have if his attitude doesn't change and he puts forth effort into working on your relationship. My ex was like that. I tried and tried and he ignored everything and basically told me if I didn't like the situation to leave... so after hearing it so many times, I told him I was leaving and started looking for an apartment. He begged, pleaded, offered counseling, offered to buy me a car etc... just to get me to stay, by that point the damage had been done and I was no longer interested in putting forth anymore effort.
He knows you are scared to leave due to your finances and he feels like he has the upper hand and can do what he wants and treat you how he wants. You and your children deserve better than that so don't put up with it. Talk to a lawyer first and foremost and they can explain your rights and the best way for you to proceed with this. Good luck.

**eye2change** · 01-13-2011 06:02 PM

Jaded you are absolutely rite! He knows that I can't leave so everytime we argue he would throw in my face that I need to get out the house cuz I don't pay anything. Get a life! I once told him my children and him was and is my life! But Now a days he likes to brag how I don't make any money and that if I take my kids with me we are going to live in a shelter. At first I was really scared but I thought about everything.... I think he's more going to b miserable if I was to leave him. He can't cook, I pretty much do all the back stage work. I recently got a part time job 15 - 20 hrs a week and once a week he stays with the kids and when I get home the house is a disaster, he'd fed my kids peanut butter and jelly and he was complaining how hungry he is. I do the taxes, file all his paper work, do the maintainance at the house (he's not a handy man, I am. I learned it from my Dad). I enrolled my self to finish and get a degree last September. I'm holding on till I graduate and maybe get a good job so I can leave him. I know I'm not completely dumb or stupid he just makes me feel that way. Do I just continue asking for grocery $$? or go on Foodstamps? I hate this feeling.

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