Where to begin?

**ASLEWIS** · 01-14-2011 02:01 AM

I have been googling for the past hour trying to figure out what my problem is, what’s making me this way.

For starters I will say that my husband and I have been together for 9 years, and have been married for almost 4. We have four children 8, 5, 4, and 5 months. I will turn 24 this year, my husband will turn 26 this year - you do the math LOL. ( I was 14)

We had our problems in the past - hence this is why we didn’t get married until later - he has done me wrong, I’ve done him wrong (not cheating but immature things, breaking up, lying, he wasn’t the nicest guy in the world, but a great father, I knew he loved me and would be faithful. We was just to young kids trying to figure out how to make it in this world, and raise a family on top of that)

I almost lost him in a car accident right after our third baby was born; I knew for those few moments what it was like to not have him anymore even if I wanted to be with him. I vowed from that day on id never be the same person again. I had done some pretty rotten things to him prior to the wreck, and I spent a long time trying to make that up to him. Everything I do is for him and these babies.

We have been doing well for a long time now - I think except there are things that are catching up with me.

My husband wants sex all of the time, for the past oh say 2 years or so now I do not. EVER want it. I have my "spurts" and it’s not that I do not enjoy it once it begins, or it’s not that I do not orgasm it’s not always but it happens half of the time and its really good when that happens so it’s not that I’m not satisfied in that department. I began to think that it was my fault, I have been thinking it’s something inside of me, something is wrong with me, I just don’t know what to do and how to make him happy.

We live to separate lives.. He works 430 pm to 430 am, he gets home at 530, I’m up getting kids to school at 6. I try to stay up and talk to him sometimes at night or stay up all night to see him in the morning.. I mean I’m trying to run all three shifts and with 4 kids it’s hard. He sleeps and works, that’s about it. We do not have a baby sitter... there is NO alone time in a small house with 4 kids even on the day that he is home and is actually awake and not asleep.

The house, (I’m also in school part time), homework, four kids, baths, their homework, bottles, dishes; cooking, cleaning ALL OF THAT is on me. The only thing he is asked to do is maintain the cars, cut the grass in season, and work.

On top of me doing it all - which I honestly seriously do not mind at all - I think it’s a big amount of things together that have just got me out of whack. Such as when I do begin to voice how I feel if he is mad he says he is leaving.. He hates his life, he’s done, he’s leaving and moving out and wants a divorce that our marriage is ruined this is said weekly. (He never does never has left nor packed his bags) I keep telling him to please quit saying that I don’t feel that he MEANS IT.. But once it is said OVER AND OVER .. It becomes mentally draining and it hurts.

Anytime anything happens that goes wrong - it’s my fault. I swear to you if the rain falls to heavy it’s my fault! If his jeans are too tight it’s my fault, I shouldn’t have dried them, if the ice maker doesn’t fill up it’s my fault because I didn’t have it up cold enough I must have turned it down, or the fridge wasn’t shut all the way. If he is late to work it’s my fault because I turned his alarm clock off ( I’ve never turned it off he does) but I will attempt to wake him up sometimes and he will say to leave him the f alone.. After the third time trying to wake him and it goes from there. It’s ALWAYS my fault and the my fault thing is beginning to take a toll on me. (when I begin to tell him about it, that it’s not my fault, that I can’t handle being told that anymore, that then leads to the he is leaving he is moving out) it’s a cycle as you can see.

So when I begin to think of these things and thing about my day to day, week to week interactions with life, the babies, him, myself... I question if it’s something physically wrong with me in my not wanting sex, or mentally? I have cried so many times over this... for the longest time he hounded me for it.. He didn’t understand... we fought a lot but made it through that stage... now he just aggravates me about it every now and then. It’s about a couple times a month and no more. I have gone a month or two without it.. And it’s not that I’m being rude just our schedules and when we actually do lay down and are asleep together -- the LAST thing on my mind is having sex. I know this is un-healthy I don’t know what to do to change it I have tried lot of things to get myself in the mood and wanting it but it’s not working.

I do love this man. He is my whole world, he is a good daddy, he says he is alone all the time - and a lot of times he just wants to be alone (says this when we are fighting at times) He takes care of us 100% he is 100% faithful, and tries to make up for it with material things when he can afford it.

He says he feels un-appreciated and at times I feel the same way. We have a lot of the same feelings - I feel alone 24-7 I am in the house I never leave. We go to Wal-Mart or something with the kids on the weekend when he is off.. But other than that I never ever leave. I feel like I go out of my way to do things for him.. I make sure I pack is lunch, I send him notes every now and then, I make sure I cook him lunch before work.. Of course I do the other random things like laundry, keep the house spotless, I massage his back for a few minutes a few times a week because he says his back hurts real bad. I just feel like I’m putting a lot out there (except sex) -- and don’t get anything in return except he does pay the bills and he wants to give me sex. I should be thankful for that part but I can’t pin point the problem with me wanting to have sex.

We have been through and back -- 4 kids, a home together, married, almost a decade of being together it’s not something I want to give up. We cannot afford counseling and we do not go to church to speak to a pastor or anything.

I am just so confused... he isn’t always nice to me but he’s not a bad man not compared to the stories I hear and read about. I just feel like I’m losing my mind here, that I’m being un-appreciative of the man I have that I should be doing more for but can’t seem to bring myself to do it. I am sure I have my bad traits (he doesn’t tell me about them if I do) but what person doesn’t right? I just feel like we are living two separate lives and trying to meet in the middle and it’s not working. And I don’t want him to be in a sexless marriage, and I want to figure out how to want sex and enjoy it like I once did about 6 years ago.
I also want to add – that I know this doesn’t sound like a very nice post. This was more about a sharing our problems and how to fix it kind of thing… he does do good things for me, and thinks of me often. Its always the good things you end up not talking about and you voice the bad parts. So I just want to assure everyone that may be insane enough to read this that he does do things for me otherwise I would not be with him still and love him the way that I do.

**ASLEWIS** · 01-14-2011 02:32 AM

I also forgot a main concern! --- since his car accident (he had two- 7 inch metal plates and 14 screws inserted in his arm) he has taken pain medication for four years now. He takes 2-4 a day.. and usually runs out before he goes back to the dr. He can do without for a week or two, and then he gets them and goes back to taking them. I do not doubt that his arm hurts him at times, but i do feel that he takes to many and abuses them. I come from a family where both parents were drug addicts, i am very leary and scared of addictions. I dont smoke dont drink -- i dont do anything and never tried because i was always afraid i would become dependant upon them since i know addictive personalities run in the family between my parents.

**stressed** · 01-14-2011 05:51 AM

You're both unhappy, with opposite schedules and four children. You don't sound like a couple anymore, you just live together, take care of each other and your children. You get no help from anyone. Would it be possible for him to change job or switch to daytime only? Just that would be very helpful for all of you. If you could find a friend/relative/place for your children a few hours a week, so that you we can rest for a while, go out, do something for yourself, you'd feel happier and would have more energy to support your family.

You need to spend more time together and not just for planning and taking care of things, but to relax together. You need help from someone. Someone you can talk to who lives nearby. No matter how you love each other your lifestyle is breaking you both. His job, taking care of the children, the household, the financial situation. You can't make it alone, you're already both breaking. I don't see any serious signs of either of you not loving each other, but I see an extremely difficult life that can damage this love if it stays as it is. What about his family? Can't they help you out in some way?

**stressed** · 01-14-2011 05:54 AM

Also, why do you have four children? Was it a choice you both made or were they unplanned?

If they were unplanned perhaps this is why you avoid sex, because you don't want to risk having another child. You definitely SHOULD NOT have another child.

**stressed** · 01-14-2011 05:54 AM

[double post]

**Beautiful Disaster** · 01-14-2011 07:23 AM

I question if it’s something physically wrong with me in my not wanting sex, or mentally?

I think if you go back and read what you wrote, maybe a few times to really grasp it, you not wanting sex will totally make sense. When I read it, I thought "What woman in the world would live this kind of life and still be up for hot steamy sex all the time?" Not many.

I realize when one is venting, they don't get to share all the good things about their spouse. But lets look at the big picture here: What is he doing to contribute to the care of his children other than bringing home a paycheck? And what is he doing to contribute to the growth and nourishment of his marriage?

Here you are, raising 4 kids pretty much by yourself, never get a moment alone 24/7.......and HE wants to be alone? You are at this time dependant upon him financially for not only your kids but for yourself. He knows this, yet he threatens weekly to leave you. Threatening someones livelihood is selfish and cruel.

You're both young, having 4 kids has got to be a tremendous stress. You can't live the rest of your life in fear every day that your husband is going to leave you. If he wants sex, then he needs to try acting like a husband. Does he ever tell you you're beautiful? Leave you sweet notes? Does he ever massage YOUR back? Does he make you feel unconditionally loved?

**stressed** · 01-14-2011 03:36 PM

Listen to BD... I did and I feel saved.

**jns** · 01-14-2011 08:39 PM

How many days a week does he work 12 hour days with an hour of travel time before and after? Does he have a job that pays well? What is his education level? How many hours of sleep does he get a night? I can well believe he hates life with that schedule.

Would you two be better apart? If not, can you afford to hire someone to help around the house? Can you cut back on some things to afford it? I take it that you are going to school to be able to get a job at some time in the future, hopefully one that pays well. At that point, will he do the same thing?

**Bless** · 02-20-2011 07:36 PM

I think You and your husband will be okay, only if you both began to date again. You both need time alone, movies, dinner or something to get away from the kids a coulple of hours. And focus on the both of you.

**oxy-moron** · 02-21-2011 03:27 PM

Sorry if this is posting on an old post but it sounds like neither of you sound like you are being nurtured. Shift timing means that you are both virtually living separate lives. I think that your lack of desire is natures way of telling you not to have any more children.
Try an experiment- give him longer back massages- half an hour at least- (three times a week)doesn't matter if he falls asleep. This will boost both of your Oxytocin levels. It will take a couple of months to work.
Oxytocin is the human bonding hormone -it keeps the bond strong and will make him more doting on you. Living in different time zones as you are will mean Oyxtocin levels will be weakened. Google Oxytocin and Coolidge effect. Do the research.

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