head versus heart

**spudbrooks** · 01-15-2011 04:53 AM

Hi ladies

I have posted before about a (now) long-term issue with my partner. I'm now at the stage (with the help of a psychologist) where I know what I should do for me, but it goes against everything my heart tells me and I am really struggling with what to do. Sorry its so long - it's part vent as well!

In short to recap:
Been together 8 years,bought a house in november '09, dogs in decemeber and talked quite openly about both wanting kids. We know each other inside out and honestly thought i had found my life partner.Everyone says we are perfect and never believed we would split.

Then in February he tells me that he has feelings for someone else (his best-friend's ex) and that our life has become boring etc. but the next month or so is back and forth him saying he loves me etc etc. In March, he cheated on me with this girl but admitted it the next day etc etc. At this stage I started to suspect that there was something else at play (depression) for such a sudden turn-around in feelings and behaviour (i've only touched on some things here). We continued to live together but as hard as it was, I moved out in August to my own place, even though I loved him and he said he loved me. We still kept joint accounts, he paid half my rent etc and for about 6 weeks there, we really didn't have any contact at all, but I initiated the converstaion about selling the house and getting rid of our dogs.
At that point (its now mid-september), he suddenly started getting in contact again and we ended up going away together a couple of times, i stayed at our house, we worked in the garden together (with him saying "we could do this....we could do that....won't it be great when we....". Friends and family who saw us together at this time said that you wouldn't have know that we were ever apart. It was a sexual relationship and everything felt so good. He told me that he had ended things with the other girl as it was never going to go anywhere, he didn't have her number in his phone, had deleted her from facebook etc etc. I said to myself that I was happy to 'go with the flow' and see what happened until it started to feel weird (i suffer anxiety) and when it did, I asked him what was happening - were we friends with benefits or something more? He said if I had asked him the week before he would have said that we were back together, but now he doesn't know and that his mood affects the way he sees things. At this point I asked him if he thought he might have depression (he'd denied it to this point) and he said yes, but he didn't want to do anything about it and that he was 'coping'.

It went on and on like this until just before Christmas when I told him that I wanted to move back home and see how things went, even just as 'housemates'. He freaked out and couldn't come up with an answer. When he calmed down he said that 'he can't do this without me', but he's not really doing anything.

I went to my parents for Christmas (the first christmas without him in 9 years) and I didn't really hear from him at all, although I know he was really down over christmas from what his family said. Then he rang me on NYE to tell me that over the past couple of days he had been to another town to 'catch up' with the same girl. I got really angry and asked had i been made a fool of by the relationship going on behind my back the past few months and he said (and i believe him) that he hadn't spoken to her at all until a couple of days before and it was a spur of the moment thing. He said it was a disaster, that it didn't go well, and I don't believe he has heard from her since. Since the New Year we had another great weekend together where we hung out, have had dinner, been to the movies etc. Now I am house sitting our house while he has gone to see his brother, and I am having a bit of a meltdown again.

We both avoid confrontation - him because he doesn't want to talk about things and me because I don't want to jinx the good times we have by turning the tide and making things uncomfortable. When we do talk about things, it doesn't (and hasn't) got nasty or angry, he just completely shuts down, bursts into tears and can't talk. He then gets down for a few days. I find it hard to control my sadness, and I usually end up in tears as well.

My head says, that I should give him an ultimatum and leave, probably sell the house and get rid of the dogs, but I can't see myself doing this. I really believe the depression has had a huge effect on him and his behaivour (drugs and alcohol have been involved as well) and the emotional side of him saying things such as 'i can't do this without my best friend' really kill me, because his friends have all moved interstate this year and his parents quite openly tell me that they don't want to confront him because they want him to feel like he can always go home and not feel threatened. He also works everyday with his dad so it has been strained at times.
I also can't fathom leaving for good, when by his own admission, this whole change of heart came about in one day at a concert, and when he has recently said (at my suggestion of relationship counselling) "its not our relationship that is the problem, it is me". I know that he won't seek any help for his depression without me, but I also don't know that he will get help with me.

I'm terrified of being alone (he's the only person i've had a relationship with) and I am ready to have kids and we both thought when we bought the house that 2010 would be the year we had children. I can't believe that I am now going to be 30, alone, with no house and no kids, starting again, having never really done the whole dating thing. Now I am alone, with the belief that things could be ok (if he were to get help) but knowing that it is a real possibility that he wont.

In short, my head says go, but my heart and every part of me says that things will be ok.

Anybody got any insight or advice, as I am really lost tonight?

**PandaPaws** · 01-15-2011 08:31 AM

My first question is, you're with a guy for 9 years, and you're not married? Clearly there have been some issues within the past year, but even before that, 8 years and not married? Were there always committment issues? If marriage is something you want, that amount of time is a huge red flag for me. Once you pass a couple years, you have to start to question what is the hold up?

If he is depressed, and he isn't doing anything about it, and he knows that's affecting your relationship, then that's saying he doesn't care enough about your relationship to get help. Obviously not a good thing.

He cheated on you, and then went back to see her AGAIN. Whether the meeting over Christmas was a disaster or not, he didn't go meet her again hoping it would be a disaster. Would he have told you if things went well? The fact that he even attempted with her again is a major issue, and that you're okay with it is a problem. He should have learned his lesson and completely erased her from his life. How did he get in touch with her again if he didn't have her phone number anymore?

I feel you on the being 30 and not where you thought/want to be. I always thought I'd be married with 2 kids by now, not even sure if I want kids now and i'm getting older every day, but I still do want to get married. Sucks.

I guess if you're willing to get passed everything he has done before, and really believe he wants to be with you, then he MUST go to counseling to get help. That's it. If he doesn't get help, things are not going to change.

Good luck as you decide. I know it's not easy.

**jns** · 01-15-2011 08:35 AM

I do not see him changing. I think you should move on.

**WildChild** · 01-15-2011 11:22 AM

He is toxic, he plays you like a fiddle.
As long as you are there you are enabling his behavior.
You NEED to get out on your own. Get over this terror of being on your own. If you don't you will just end up sucked right back in, with him or with some other man with problems. You need to get to the point that you are sufficent and happy on your own so that when you chose to allow a man in your life it is a choice, made because you want him not because you need him.
Until you do this you are NOT ready to have children. This is an important step in your own maturation process. Tell him good bye, get that house on the market, find the dogs good homes and get on with loving and caring for you.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-15-2011 02:32 PM

Each time hes lets you in, it's because the other woman is no longer in the picture.

Each time he shuts you out, it's because the other woman is back in the picture...

He nearly had a heart attack of you moving back in, yet he is able to state, "oh if you asked me a week ago it would have been different," this leaves you in a state of confusion and makes you "believe" that you can change this.

We can change the way we act, approach things, we CANNOT CHANGE a person....They have to want to do this themselves.

9 years is a long time, your scared to be on your own, you are ready to start a family.... These are all personal feelings of you...nothing to do with love. Be brave, get out there and realise that it's not him you want, after all he cheated, then let you in the bedroom, then cheated again, so you know what's to come a few years down the track..... I'ts that your ready for someone deep in your life, marriage, love, children and happiness....

He's actually using you sweet...Your tougher than that aren't you?

CW

**spudbrooks** · 01-15-2011 06:24 PM

Thanks for the feedback and you are all right and the hard thing is I know all this because I have caught myself thinking all these points. But it is hard to think badly of someone who has never, ever hurt you before, and who in essentially the space of ten months has done things that myself and others never expected - mutual friends and his family just don't believe it - "that's not something I would ever thought he would do?' is the common feeling.

And the things that I have to do are so hard!

In reply to a couple of points,
We both talked about marriage a number of times. We never needed to get married to feel commitment and both reject the idea that marriage is the only way to show commitment between two people. It was never an issue for us. We might well have got married at some stage, as I said we talked about it alot over the years as we are not opposed to marriage, but it wasn't something either of us ever felt compelled to do. In essence, we felt that we were married in everyway except for a few signatures on a piece of paper - I don't really feel like a wedding would have made any difference to where we are now. In fact, it would have just made it even messier probably, although I guess on the other hand, it might have meant that he had more of a 'reason' to at least trying to work on our relationship. Other than the past year, we had very few issues as a couple. Friends said that we were the perfect people for each other.

I think he would have told me if things had gone well when he met her again over Christmas, he has at least been open and honest about their interactions I believe, and to clarify he was fairly open about the fact that they did not sleep together over Christmas. She's still friends with some of his friends, so it would have been easy to get her number again and I don't think many of his friends (the circle that moved interstate) know too much about what has happened. It is pretty easy to get hold of someone's number if you want it. I didn't see her number in his phone, and I do know her number.

I am realising more and more that I can't change him, and that is the hardest thing. I know that my 'friendship' helps him but friendship is not what I want and friendship is not helping me. I hate to see people in pain, and he is. I know I put other people first, but I keep thinking - i have friends and family and a psychologist to help me, and I know that I will be ok but I don't know that he will be ok, and the thought of not seeing him (or his family), trying not to think about him, or trying to forget him after 9 years is really hard for me to picture.

What I hate the most, and the thing that angers me most about this situation is that he hasn't really tried anything that I think would help but he also can't see that the things he has tried, haven't worked. The drinking, the dope and the getting in contact with her haven't helped him at all. CW says you cant change people, and it is really hard to honestly believe that something like seeing the GP and then a psychologist would really help, but that the person can't or won't get help. So why i feel most upset is that I feel like I have lost everything and that everything is happening to and around me and it is all out of control!

The other thing is that keeps me 'believing' things might be ok - is that at least he has admitted that he has depression - it took him 9 months to admit that. Maybe it will take a bit longer to get the courage to go to a GP. This is the kind of thinking that keeps me 'hanging in there', but I am beginning to see that I could hang in there forever, and nothing will change.

The thing that worries me about myself is that I am really down and anxious this weekend, but when he returns from interstate on tuesday, i know that if he seems in a good mood, I will forget all about my anxiety and my concerns, because that little bit of 'hope' will be back. Pathetic, i know.

How do I tackle those feelings?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-15-2011 06:39 PM

Positive attracts positive, negative attracts negative, that is why your feeling so down yourself....

Can he put his finger on why he is depressed, does he realise that alcohol and dope depress people if used in excess? And that dope wipes you out but it also slowly destroys your brain, bit by bit...

"If you love someone set them free, if they come back to you they're yours. If they don't they never were".

Have you heard that saying? Sometimes someone needs to really fall before clearly seeing and maybe you being out of the picture, "tough love" maybe he will realise he has to change ...

CW

**oxy-moron** · 01-25-2011 07:04 PM

His behaviour sounds like that of a depressed person. Hi is trying to F***. This doesn't work so he is bouncing around. up and down.
He is likely to always be like this to some extent.
It would be foolish to bring children into this environment.