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Reply With QuoteI was hissing lil love notes*** sorry. I'm on my iPhone.. There's gunna be typos.
When do you say enough is enough?
I apologize in advance for the length of this post. I need to vent, and I need advice.. So I'll start at the beginning:
I met my husband in 2008 in my jr year of college. When we locked eyes this feeling came over me that I can't describe. I was drawn to him and he hadn't even said a word to me yet. Thankfully, come to find out, he felt the same. He made the first move and talked to me. We hit it off! When we finally starting dating things were weird. He wouldn't hug me and hold me or show much affection in public. But he felt free to show it all behind closed doors. I confronted him about it and he finally showed affection. I probably made a bad move and made the first move of sex two weeks into our relationship. After that, we were crazy teens in love havig sex every day. And surprise surprise... Got pregnant two months later. We took a test the second to last day of school. He told me not to worry, everything will be fine. And I believed him. I saw him maybe four times over summer break. My parents blocked his number, since I ran my phone bill up to about 500$ in texts... So I couldn't call him. When I finally did get a hold of him I confronted him abt tellinmy parents I'm pregnant. He freaked and asked why I didn't get an abortion like he said.
Skip ahead. Told parents, he stepped up, had beautiful baby boy, sr yr of highschool, life was good.
For the first three months of my sons life I was the one who watched him. My husband would come over but couldn't stay the night. So I did it on my own, of course with the help of my mom. Mom moved places and said that she thought it was time to move out. I moved into my hubby house with his family. While there we had some rough times. Found texts he sent other girls. He asked what she was up to and she said she had just gotten out of the shower and he said oo sexy. Confronted him, he said sry won't happen again. I was hissing lil love notes in our room one day for him and foud a black box. Made him open it and it was all the notesfro his ex, and pictures and fuzzy cuffs (said he never used though). Made him throw it away. We were cleaning his backpack one day and I found an SD card. He FREAKED our and demanded to have t back. I asked what was on it and he said nothing. Didn't explain hisgreaking out so I looked and found naked pictures of his girlfriends on the.. And close ups of their cooches. That's when he said he knew those pictures were there. I got pissed and packed my stff and the kids stuff to leave. My mom talked me outof it and I stayed.
Skip ahead. He joins the military, I find out I'm pregnant with baby number two :O and tell him the day he leaves for bootcamp. Move back in with my mom and had to quit college. Take care of my son while pregnant with another for six months. Get married on his graduation leave. Have second beautiful son, husband has to go back to California for two more months. Take care of two babies on my own for two months.
My husband comes home to finally move us all out to California to live on base. The day after he gets home we were out eating which is when I discovered texts saying he was gunna drive to their house "
Three months later I get a message from a corporal saying my husband was sending pics of himself to his wife. Asked him and he said no. Talked to the corporal and he said they were naked pics. Talked to the hubby and he said that he sent pics. Talked to the corporal and he said my hubby sent five pics of his to his wife and a picture of my in bra an shorts. Talked to hubby and he confessed. I throw my ring at him and tell him I've put up with too mch of his and automatically go upstairs and start packing. He comes up later asking what I'm doing and I was throwing everything in boxes. Tells me to stop but I didn't. Starts crying n tellin me not to leave. He goes to work the next day and by the time he comes home all my stuff and the kids stuff is inboxes ready. Everytime I turnmy back he unpacks something. He tells his higher up and he calls me tellin me not to leave, that I should go to counseling. We did. We talked about what he did and talk about learning to trust again ad communication. After about the third session we got off track somehow. Me and the hubby had major fights where I walked out. I went not even ten miles down the road to the stores and got texts every second "where are you" "who you with" "I bet you are with some guys" I was ignoring him, so I could have time to cool down.. I get a text saying "YOURE A F*CKING B*TCH!! SERIOUSLY GO F*CK YOURSELF" except his wasn't censored. Left the store and started crying. Came home and he says sry I was mad. I tell him that excuse isn't going to work. You can't blame your anger.
Skip ahead
he's now deployed and in japan. Before wenever he left my side it was constant "I love you, I miss you, I can't be without you, I'm tearing up thinking about you" this time he's saying " I'll ttyl. I gtg." or when he gets a chance to call he insists on talking online. Which I'd rather not do since I wanna hear his voice. Shoot even getting a txt that just says ily or I miss you would be nice. I sent him 14 emails, instead of txts, in two days. Each ending with how much I miss and love him... He replied to maybe 4 and maybe one said he loved me. It's only been two weeks into his deployment.
After this last order with the chick and the pictures my feelings towards him has changed.. I've been hurt too many times. I've been cheated on by every bf I've had, and then to have my husband betray me like this... Over and over.. Idk what to do.. He insists he never cheated on me but my gut says otherwise. Idk how mch more of this I can take. He says he won't screw up again and he does. And now that he's away I worry he will do somethig again. Since he's on the other side of the world I'm sure he'll say "she will never find out"
do you think I'm foolish for staying After being walked on so many times? If we did t have kids I wouldve walked out after the first text he sent the other girls..but I've always been talked back into staying, for the kids sake. How much is too much? When should I finally say I'm done, and actually leave?
Last night he said he would call or message me if he woke up in the middle of the night.. He didn't, instead he got on facebook. I don't really think the distance is the problem.. It's the lack of affection I'm being shown, and his junk with other women.. We are still 19, both 20 inmarch, so we are still young.
I forgot to mention that I'm a stay at home mom, kinda against will. No none for daycare, and now that we banger daycare, the waiting list is estimated to be a year to two years. I've stayed home wth the kids thir whole livess.. And maybe have only had 10 days, out of two years, where I got to have freedom from the kids. My hubby thinks it's easy sailing taking care of the kids 24/7... (2yr old & 9 mo old). This is also anotherr contributors to our fights.
I need help, idk what to do.. I feel as ofthe lack of affection is a sign.. And being hurt again isn't an option I'm willing to take.
(btw I've never cheated, ever, with anybody. The only bad thing ive done in our relationship was meet up with a guy friend he doesn't like.. And that almost ended in a fight in the parking lot between the guys)
help
I was hissing lil love notes*** sorry. I'm on my iPhone.. There's gunna be typos.
It sounds like you are finally getting fed up. You may have felt upset before... but not enough to leave and mean it and it sounds like he's taken that for granted. He's probably figuring its easier to do whatever he wants and appologize for it later than it is to do the right thing in the first place. And so far he's been right, since you get mad at him, then you get over it.
But the way you talk about your feelings disingrating its clear that something has to change before they are gone entirely. I think thats the thing some men don't realize about women... they can be forgiving, they can put things in the past, they can even do this repeatedly ... but it wears on her, and eventually if they keep hurting her... she will reach the point of being fed up, numb.. and he will be at a complete loss as far as regaining the feelings you once had for him.
You have two babies with him, he knows you are dependent on him, that you love him... and instead of respecting that, he may be taking advantage of it. It sounds like you guys got too serious, too young, and that he wasn't ready to settle down. Thats neither here nor there because you are where you are now, and there is no changing the past. I hope that you go to counseling, even just for yourself ... to sort out how you feel, to deal with the emotions you are experiencing and to learn to build your self-esteem up to the point that you can demand the respect you deserve from him.
Scars remind us of where we've been...they don't have to dictate where we're going.
First of all, you need your family's support. So far, all they've been telling you is "stay for the children". To me this is wrong, it's as if they demand you to compromise the rest of your life because you got pregnant young for their own sake and about "what will people think about us".
You have to stand your ground and ask them to help you and the children. That staying with this man for the children is wrong and makes you unhappy. Tell them what happened, how he's been treating you, that you're 19, you loved him, married him, but he treats you badly. You have to have them on your side.
You've quit college, cannot get a job, your husband supports you, nobody helps with the children, the only place you can go is your family. In any case, staying in this relationship is against you. You will end up staying married to someone who's disrespectful and immature, takes you for granted and probably have even more kids down the road. At this pace, one day you'll get fed up and leave it all behind, or stay become depressed, go to therapy sessions, while your husband will be sending naked photos of himself to married women and flirt around in another continent.
To answer your question "when do you say enough is enough", the fact you felt the need to come here looking for help is a sign that you've had enough. That you need support. Counseling didn't help, your family didn't help, he stopped you from leaving every time. You had already had enough when you packed your things that day, but there was always somebody there to stop you, just so you'd do "the right thing for the society", not the "right thing for you".
Do the right thing for YOU! You're 19, you don't deserve this life. Your husband doesn't deserve you. The only way to start changing your life is to ask for separation when he returns and go to your family. As for the children, you can settle it so that you both get to see them as much. Ask for a lawyer's advice as well and ask your family to help you with it. If your family isn't willing to help then ask for a friend to do so, or someone you trust.
Don't wait for him to change, he won't.
"you already had enough when you packed your things that day." this statement is runningthrough my head over and over and over again.. And it's true
when he met up with the first chick my sister told me to think about it. He knew what he was doing but he probably didn't cheat so I shouldn't go assuming. We talked and she talked me out of it. This last time with the pictures, she said that I should go to counseling and if that fails then I should leave since it seems like his priorities are in the wrong place. We went to counseling and when we had homework he would always forget or not do it, which to me was a sign of his lack of committment to fixing our relationship, which I even told him. Towards the end of counseling he started to act the same way, like we had never gone to counseling. We were communicating better an he was acting better. Then it got closer to our sessions being over and then it was back to old him. Which sucked.
It's not like we are always fighting. We of course have had wonderful moments together. And there are times, even when I'm fed up with him that I think "I really can't imagine my life without him".
My mom knows about the pictures, and the txts but not the other stuff, my dad doesn't know any of it, my sister knows it all. I don't want to tell my parents e ause for some reason I'll feel like a failure to them I guess. I don't wantthem thinking "I knew she wouldn't be able to handle it" I have a cousin that married someone and divorced and everyone I the family talks about it. I know they talk about me, I'm sure, since I'm so youn with two kids. I don't want to add that I didn't stay with the father of my children. But honestly, another thing happens and I'm on the next flight to Texas.. I can't take this much .
Anyone know how to get him to talk to me?!? He's deployed in Japan right now.. And wen he gets time to go online he's blowing up facebook instead of messaging me or sending me and email. I told him to send me an email bc my fb app is being dumb, or send me and message on yahoo instant messenger, but no. I'll get and email notification saying he comment my picture, but no email to talk to me. Then I get on fb and see he was on for a while an then see his status saying he's getting off fb. I'm halfway across the world takingcare of our kids by myself. I don't know anyone out here... So I'm alone all day. The least he could so is send me an email saying hi right?!?!? Agh it pisses me off
Using his online time for facebook rather than to communicate with his wife and hear about her and his kids shows where his heads at. You cant make yourself a priority to him, you can't force him to choose to talk to you instead of his pals... that has to come from him. Just like counseling... it was only going to work if he was going to take it to heart.
It sounds like you are giving your all and he is giving just enough to keep you from walking out the door, but not much more than that. What do you want out of life and your relationship? You can't live to keep your family from talking about you... if they are the talking type, they'll find something to talk about no matter what. You need to focus on whats best for you and your children.. If you feel at this point staying with this man is what you need to do, you really should try to find a hobby, take a class, join a gym, do anything to gain yourself a support network, friends, things to do... something to make you happy so that you are not always sitting around waiting to hear from a man that isn't coming through for you.
Scars remind us of where we've been...they don't have to dictate where we're going.
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