Boys and their toys

**pademae** · 01-17-2011 12:55 PM

Hey ya'll,

I'm new here and need some advice. I'm on marriage number 3 and feeling alone and lonely.

Here's a little info: My 1st marriage didn't last long due to drugs/drinking and abuse. Marriage number 2 lasted for 13 yrs until he thought the grass was greener on the other side and is finding out that it wasn't. So now number 3.....

He is 7 yrs younger than I and I do love him with all my heart. The thing is I spoil and #2 can tell you that is what he misses plus the care and love I gave him, anyway, I know you can't come between boys and their toys. So, I just let it go and spoil him from every which way even tho that toy is coming in between us. I've talked, cried, b*tched till I'm blue in the face.

Now, he's played this game for yrs and I know its a way to release stress from everyday life but, he's on it almost 24/7. When he's not working or sleeping. We don't go out anymore or spend any time together b/c of this. I've asked for a compromise and he's the one that has set the time frames. However, he can't even keep them b/c something always comes up with his gaming buddies.

At this point, I'm thinking of leaving but, that is something I do not want to do. I've never been the one to give up but, at this point I'm just soooo dang lost....HELP!!!

**jns** · 01-17-2011 01:32 PM

Exactly what toy is so all fired important that he doesn't want to play with you? What is his age? This obsessive personality should have been dealt with before.

**chaya** · 01-17-2011 01:35 PM

Is it a computer game he is playing? I went through a stage where I was playing a computer game called Oblivion. I would hurry home from school to play and even thought about while at school. I even got up sometimes in the middle of the night and would say I'll just play for a few minutes and end up playing until morning. I played it for about 2 years and eventually broke the habit, but not until I met my present husband and we started going out a lot.

These games can be so addicting that some people can't stop without professional help. It took 2 life changing events to break the habit for me.

**pademae** · 01-17-2011 02:29 PM

Yes, it's a computer game and I knew this before going further into the relationship/marriage but, it was not a problem at the time our relationship started. I always like to give the benefit of the doubt when someone gives their word of making things different. I'm just at my witts end on this and don't like to keep harping on the issue. I've even have gone out by myself to prove a point and still nothing. Only when I threaten to leave do I get some response but, that's not how to get things accomplished.

**WildChild** · 01-17-2011 02:32 PM

YOU can't change him but you can change how you interact and respond. That may prompt him to change - or not.
What was he like when you were dating?
How long did you know him before you married?
Is this affecting his work and other areas?
You are what? Late 30s, 40s ? You aren't kids, but it sounds like he hasn't grown up.
Are you living in a place that is yours together, was yours, was his?
Are you financially dependent? Is he?
Do either of you have children?

Quit spoiling him. Men have a tendency to think that as long as you are doing things for them, they must be doing enough for you. In a sense this is true, if you are still there it must not be too bad - or so his reasoning goes. So quit reinforcing that idea. If he can't come to the table to eat, don't serve a meal, figuratively and literally. You want to go out and he is glued to the game, ask once if he would like to join you and then go when you say you are. No commentary, no asking again, just go. Get out with friends. If you don't have any, get out and make some. Take a class, go to some semminars and lectures, see a movie, just get out in the world and don't wait for him.

Sit him down and that means turning off the game. I have a suspicion that you could very clear, very fast, as to him priorities by telling him that this evening after work the two of you need to talk. My guess, he'll get right on the game. Give him a few mins, then walk in and remind him that you need to talk. If he doesn't get off within 5 mins, walk in and turn it off. If you don't end up calling the cops I'll bet you will still have a very clear answer as to what you need to do.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-17-2011 03:05 PM

http://www.womens-health.com/boards/...ing-apart.html

There is a wealth of experience and discussions on this particular thread you may wish to read..

This is not an easy problem for you to solve if he is addicted and it seems to be that he is, was before you two got together....

CW

**stressed** · 01-17-2011 03:30 PM

Is he playing World of Warcraft?

If so (or if it's another Online game), it is very addictive and it can addict any kind of man/woman. You have to sit down with him an explain how it harms him, you and the relationship. Give him examples as to how he behaves and spends so many hours on a game that gives him a false sense of success. It will be easier for him to stop/cut down once you make him see his situation "from the outside". Right now he's in it and can't see what he's doing. Hours and days fly by when you play these games.

Many people do get away from these situations and then look back and say "what an idiot I was", but you have to be tough with him.

**jns** · 01-17-2011 03:46 PM

Games can be very addicting to certain personalities. There becomes an obsession with winning or beating someone else. He should quit playing this game and never start any games that have an endless scenario. If he wants to play games they should be simple ones that he can do good on, but have a definite run time. Similar to those in the arcade here at WH.

I go to southeast Asia for a month every year. That works wonders for weaning from all things computer related as I rarely even go online. When I come back, I am refocused.

**Colorado** · 01-17-2011 08:18 PM

...Too much is too much, but consider - you know where he is, he is not out wandering the streets/bars, etc...

I too game ALOT online -(no, not WOW - a First Person shooter). Our team consists of many of the guys and relatives that I've not seen in years - we use voice communications so it's a social event for us.
Sure, I make sure the wife has her share of my time; but I need some me time also. Been married over 24 years and never strayed, so it can't be all that bad...

Anyhow, I just wanted to say that things could be much worse.
"Galss is half full"

**pademae** · 01-18-2011 12:37 PM

Thanks for all the advise. I'm 40 and he is still in his early 30s. We did live together before we married and it wasn't as bad as it is now. I have kids, grown, and he doesn't. I can say he did get off the game at a good time last night and it was nice, baby steps I guess. Anyway he plays Combat Arms and talks with his gaming buddies.

I am thankful he's not out running around and I know where he is but, it just gets lonely sitting home even tho he's there.