Husband slapped over an argument

**unsuregirl** · 01-18-2011 10:26 PM

Originally Posted by jns

Both of you need to apologize for your actions to the other. Then you both need to agree to counseling. Then you both need to follow through on it.

No one deserves to be kicked. No one deserved to have their arm twisted. Probably the thing that set it all up was shaking him awake and threatening to not let him sleep. That alone probably put him into a fight or flight scenario. Isn't that what they do to POWs to get them to talk? But of course they restrain POWs so they cannot fight back.

If you two don't want to compromise, then the only thing to do is to end it.

I guess the only reasons he said no to counselling was becuase he is not committed to make it work. We dated for long enough but we had a long distance relationship. And if he always had anger issues then I never came in direct contact with them till I was living in my house and he in his. I am feeling that if he felt a committment towards the marriage, he would consider his abusive actions for once and agree to counselling. I realize I should go as well. But unless he accepts his problem dealing with his rage when things don't happen as is comfortable and convenient to him, there is little that can save our relationship. Do I sound correct?

**unsuregirl** · 01-18-2011 10:31 PM

Originally Posted by jns

I have no idea if his life was in danger, but he could have thought a lot of things being brought out of a deep sleep the way he was. In such cases people can exhibit irrational behavior, even possibly insanity at least until their adrenalin returns to normal. Did he get a fight or flight reaction?

Further, we have no idea of the relative size and strength of the combatants. I have seen enough small skinny men married to very large and strong women with the woman being the one in charge, to know that what normally is isn't always the case. Yes, pound for pound, the guy is usually stronger due to nature, but size can still be the deciding factor as can conditioning.

Let's throw it out there: are women inferior to men physically in almost all cases? Can they hold their own or do they need to be protected?

His life was not in danger but his sleep was definitely in danger. I would not lie about my actions. Else no point in asking for advice. He should have fled, thats my opinion. He was leaving anyway and I did nto stop him either. I told him to leave if he wanted to and that was when he slapped me. I saw his face and his rage and I hardly think he looked human in that rage.

**jns** · 01-18-2011 10:45 PM

Originally Posted by unsuregirl

I saw his face and his rage and I hardly think he looked human in that rage.

Seeing someone in full rage is not pretty. It is indeed very animal in nature. He obviously had lost it. I am almost surprised he slapped you instead of punching you using his shoulder and twisting his body. Maybe he let it show on purpose. Did he pull his slap? If he didn't, it would leave white marks on your face (and later red) from his fingers for maybe hours.

He has to go to counseling if you want this to work and have an even relationship. You need to go to. Both of you need to quit being so defensive, so you can build what you need in a relationship.

**unsuregirl** · 01-18-2011 10:48 PM

Originally Posted by jns

Seeing someone in full rage is not pretty. It is indeed very animal in nature. He obviously had lost it. I am almost surprised he slapped you instead of punching you using his shoulder and twisting his body. Maybe he let it show on purpose. Did he pull his slap? If he didn't, it would leave white marks on your face (and later red) from his fingers for maybe hours.

He has to go to counseling if you want this to work and have an even relationship. You need to go to. Both of you need to quit being so defensive, so you can build what you need in a relationship.

I have known him for a long long time and I know that he let the anger show on purpose to scare me. I believe he did it knowing fully well what he is doing. And no, the slap was not hard enough to leave any marks on my face. That also shows that it was a slap on purpose. I know for sure that he can control it if he watned because there was a time when we were dating he was too stressed and used to take it out on me by hurting me with hurtful words. When we broke up, he came to his senses within hours and stopped behaving that way ever since, no matter how stressed he is.
This is what happens when you get too used to someone for years....sometimes ppl take you so much for granted that they begin to treat you any way they wish!!1

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-18-2011 11:42 PM

You know your origional post came across alot different that what you are writing now...

So I was shaking him to keep him from sleeping and ended up frustrated enough to force him
to have intimacy , the force did not work and he got angry and became more rigid and
ignored me endlessly and finally he said he will hit me if i did not let him sleep now.
He twisted my arm

e is not much good at it and thats the reason why I am not satisfied most of the times and I end up getting angry when I crave pleasure and not get it.

I would like to add here that even though the slap has been a first, he has been twisting my arm at many point of time during some argument when I shake him to get his attention... He says I am being physically abusive by shaking him or shoving him to grab his attention. is that true?

I think that you saw signs before you got married...and were you a virgin before you married him? Tell me what happened on your honeymoon for him to twist your arm?

This is a day that is meant to be filled with love?

The problem still is if you kick, shove, push to ensure he doesn't sleep because he hasn't sexually fulfilled you, and he has anger issues, he is going to retaliate, sounds like verbal threats that weren't talken and so he slapped you, by your own admission, lightly not hard...Don't you think it may have been to prove a point? More so than to hide the fact from outside?

I see, he warned you and you kept going and so he went through with it but not hard.

You say when you were dating, he would hurt you with words....you then broke up and he then obviously wooed you back, and stopped using such words and hasn't since until now....

There's baiting going on though a little bit, push shove, don't I'll hit, continue, and so a light slap...

Lets say that you met a nice guy who never said bad things to you, got angry, twisted your arm, but wasn't good in bed, didn't satisfy you, would you do the same?

Think about that...

I'd say, he has anger problems...if wound up, he reverts to those problems...

I'd say you want to be loved, treated like a princess and held, hugged and have intimacy but you don't have that.

I'd say if you argued on your honeymoon then the future doesn't look bright, you weren't compatable then, how can you be now?

I'd assume your in your early 20's...you say "most times he has sex with you"...but is he intimate? Or is it sex? You say he's not good at it, do you mean he cums quickly and your frustrated and have you both ever tried to please "each other" ie) you please him....

The point I am trying to make, is even in rebeliousness, in being coaxed to do something, it's limited, it's twisting and slap lightly but that hurts your emotions not your body so much, it can lead to worse, so no he's wrong but can you not see by coaxing him to do it that is wrong?

I understand if you were a virgin and you are now sexually hightened but he is average joe blow, but isn't there room for learning each other's body and exploring together?

See, I can't see the together, I see, I want and I see, you can't have...stuborness, I'm not a toy, go away.... This is not love...

And then I see, maybe he views your needs and wants as that's all he is there for, where is the love? He doesn't feel it.

Again, this is toxic. It is not a relationship...

Maybe you should go away and evaluate if you love him number 1 and if you would react the same to a kind loving partner that didn't want much sex at all and was hopeless at it.

You know live is a lesson and we all can teach and in that, we can learn....

CW

**unsuregirl** · 01-19-2011 12:01 AM

Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH

I'd say, he has anger problems...if wound up, he reverts to those problems...

I'd say you want to be loved, treated like a princess and held, hugged and have intimacy but you don't have that.

I'd say if you argued on your honeymoon then the future doesn't look bright, you weren't compatable then, how can you be now?

I'd assume your in your early 20's...you say "most times he has sex with you"...but is he intimate? Or is it sex? You say he's not good at it, do you mean he cums quickly and your frustrated and have you both ever tried to please "each other" ie) you please him....

The point I am trying to make, is even in rebeliousness, in being coaxed to do something, it's limited, it's twisting and slap lightly but that hurts your emotions not your body so much, it can lead to worse, so no he's wrong but can you not see by coaxing him to do it that is wrong?

I understand if you were a virgin and you are now sexually hightened but he is average joe blow, but isn't there room for learning each other's body and exploring together?

See, I can't see the together, I see, I want and I see, you can't have...stuborness, I'm not a toy, go away.... This is not love...

Maybe you should go away and evaluate if you love him number 1 and if you would react the same to a kind loving partner that didn't want much sex at all and was hopeless at it.

You know live is a lesson and we all can teach and in that, we can learn....

CW

He is intimate and sweet but just not good at the sex part and cums easily whcih he attributes to the fact that he has been saving himself for me as well and hence its just lack of practice. And not each time do we argue over it. This was one day when I was particulary frustrated. Nothing more, nothing less. Usually he is waiting for me to give him a sign to be intimate. So was his on that day. Just that it was not working out well and I got frustrated... could be due to many reasons, a mood swing... I was just a day away from my periods so it could be PMS ( I know that would be a pathetic reason for me to have pesterd him but is it possible)
I just wish there was some way that I could make him see that he does not need to hit me to feel in control and feel powerful.
I plan to go away for a few days and give this some thought. No question of fighting anymore at all... I would never ever get into a fight again... But I know that till the day he keeps telling me that he slapped me cos I asked for it and he did the right thing in that situation, I can't think of a way to mend the relationship. Except that I can just ask him for forgivness but that carries a risk of being hit again which I want to eliminate by changing my attitude and his anger.

**WildChild** · 01-19-2011 12:45 AM

You are not owning your actions in creating this situation. You kicked, harrassed, and abused him. You cannot lay the entirety of this on him. Until you are able to clearly see what you did, you will not resolve this. Get into counseling!

**unsuregirl** · 01-19-2011 12:51 AM

Originally Posted by WildChild

You are not owning your actions in creating this situation. You kicked, harrassed, and abused him. You cannot lay the entirety of this on him. Until you are able to clearly see what you did, you will not resolve this. Get into counseling!

OK. I know my mistake. I have mentioned that. I kicked him when he twisted my arm. I did not let him sleep in peace. I am NOT laying the blame on him for a fight. I started a fight which ended in a slap on my face. So, is that how fights end between couples?
And I am willing to get into counselling. I thought he also needs to control his expressions of anger. Or will it suffice for me to do it alone? I am not playing a blame game. Just looking for real solutions long term, if there are any.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-19-2011 12:56 AM

Honey if you push someone to the limit and they say " I'll hit you if you don't stop it" and you continue deliberately?

Find the reason for his anger, pushing him? Then quit pushing and he'll quit getting angry

You need to see "oh I get it, I pushed,shoved, he warned but I kept going, I created his anger".....If I don't want my arm twisted or him getting angry best I not assist in causing it and it won't happen.

That's your solution.

**unsuregirl** · 01-19-2011 01:07 AM

Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH

Honey if you push someone to the limit and they say " I'll hit you if you don't stop it" and you continue deliberately?

Find the reason for his anger, pushing him? Then quit pushing and he'll quit getting angry

You need to see "oh I get it, I pushed,shoved, he warned but I kept going, I created his anger".....If I don't want my arm twisted or him getting angry best I not assist in causing it and it won't happen.

That's your solution.

OK. I get that. I should not be pushing him. I learnt it the hard way but I did. Just last question, does he need to realize that hitting me is an immoral thing to do? Or is it alright for me to let him believe that its fine that he slapped me for my childish attitude?