Lost Trust

**tired of the lies** · 01-18-2011 03:24 AM

I've seen some posts that cover essentially what I'm going through but not entirely. I've been married 34 years to someone I thought I knew but apparently I don't. When my oldest son was a few months old I found a condom in my husband's wallet and he told me it was because our sex life was nil and he was looking. He apologized and said it would never happen again and I forgave him. Fast forward to a few years ago when I found strange calls on his phone (I looked online at the record and there were several.) My husband is a cab driver and he told me it was a "good friend" (woman) who he'd known for years and he would drive her around, loan money (she always paid it back according to him). This time I threw him out and then stupidly took him back a few months later when he professed his love and said that he had never had sexual relations with anyone but me, etc. I took him back. Now there's another who he drives around for free, buys birthday gifts for, etc. I wrote him a letter saying I couldn't do this anymore and that I think divorce is in order. His response was he moved all his stuff to the spare room and told me I covered it all in my letter. No denials, no apologies, nothing. I'd go to a marriage counselor but he'd just lie and deny to them too. Is it truly over? Am I unreasonable?

**stressed** · 01-18-2011 06:24 AM

Have you ever met any of those "good friends" he buys gifts for? If they are such good friends you should meet them as well.

Also, he claims they needed to loan money and at the same time he bought them gifts and accepted free rides? Even if nothing was going on this is unacceptable behavior.

Odd that he'd accept a divorce so lightly as well. I get the feeling you two don't communicate very well.

**tired of the lies** · 01-18-2011 07:18 AM

You're right about the communication and I've made every effort to improve it. I had told him to just let me know when she calls or he drives her places and he does not. I forgot to mention the very pornographic letter he wrote (no name on it) that he insists he wrote just for the heck of it. I have told him over and over this was an emotional affair and over and over he has said there is nothing going on.

**PandaPaws** · 01-18-2011 01:22 PM

I don't know him or you obviously, but I would bet that it wasn't just emotional with these women. You don't carry condoms around if it's not physical. And now he clearly doesn't care enough to make an effort after your letter. Sounds like a lazy jerk to me. I can't imagine how hard it would be to go through a divorce, but I do know that being in a miserable relationship will be worse than moving on to either be happy by yourself, or with someone who loves and respects you.
Best of luck to you.

**rcoreyus** · 01-19-2011 10:22 AM

Is / was your sex life almost nil, and if so why? Just trying to understand the situation, not assigning blame.

**tired of the lies** · 01-19-2011 05:41 PM

I don't mind you asking at all, in fact I ask myself too. About 7 years ago he found out he had diabetes and that caused some impotency. He got Viagra and that helped a bit. I now think that maybe I just wasn't attractive to him anymore and my self esteem is in the dumper. It also turns my stomach to think that there's a possibility that he may have had sexual relations with other women and then with me.

**wanton** · 01-20-2011 01:34 AM

There are many possibilities and once we cannot be attractive enough and the tool for sex is attraction and arousal. Once it is gone each other's presence will be a burden. The only thing that can keep both going is love and love is over and above everything else. Of course if you are sexually un-gratifying, maybe for a variety of reasons and in his case the diseases whatever it is and in your case he does not look savory. But if there is love and understanding you can pull the relationship to an infinite end. Sex cannot be a big issue and every healthy man and woman may have the stuff to gratify the other sexually.

But as a modern woman I do not want to be too conservative when it comes to sexual gratification. Of course if one's husband or wife is too sick to unable to gratify the other's burning desire one should not suppress it and suppression leads to burst ultimately and can gratify somewhere and still one must continue sticking to family values, the rock-foundation of the familial setup.

This is a rather radical idea. You may and most may disagree and that is what I feel though I will have yet to see the greater truths that may lay before me and I am just on the threshold and this is just communication. Since this is a forum that allows me lots of liberty to pour out what goes on my mind

**tired of the lies** · 01-20-2011 05:52 PM

I think it just boils down to the fact that he has no respect for me or my feelings, he is dishonest, and I find I cannot trust him anymore. He still has not said a thing and it's been almost a week. Every divorced woman I have spoken to has said the same thing "he either cheated in the past or he's cheating now or both". Where before I let it go and worked hard to make the marriage work, now I'm just tired. I went from sad to angry to just not caring anymore.

**JadedQueen** · 01-30-2011 06:40 AM

I went through those same emotions when I decided that it was time to end my marriage. I think every relationship can take "cracks" (that's what I call it when a partner does something that hurts their SO and are forgiven for it) but I think once you get too many "cracks" in the relaionship it goes beyond repair and the best thing to do for everyone involved is end it. It sounds to me like you have become numb from all the pain he has caused you and the trust is so broken it's doubtful that it can ever be repaired, and if it could it would take a lot of effort on both parts and it doesn't sound like he's willing to or wanting to put forth the effort. As difficult as it is and as hard as it seems your best bet is to start divorce proceedings so that you can move on with your life and find someone that can and will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. There is light at the end of the tunnel, I never thought I'd find happiness (my divorce was miserable) but I survived it (it's now 10 yrs. later) and I'm glad that I went through with it because I'd much rather be alone than with someone that causes me pain on a daily basis and doesn't care about the hurt he brought upon me.