controlling, cheating, fiance

**karenshiver** · 01-22-2011 07:23 PM

It started 10 years ago, but it is escalating... things are much worse now than they were at the beginning of our relationship.

**JustHormonious** · 01-22-2011 07:34 PM

You're right! None of the abuse is your fault. A man, no matter how angry, would walk away. Your fiance has anger issues and it is not your responsibility to fix him. Do you mind me asking how old the two of you are?

**karenshiver** · 01-22-2011 07:51 PM

I am 50, he is 39.

**JustHormonious** · 01-22-2011 08:04 PM

What happens if the next time he gets angry, he is not able to stop himself? Isn't your life worth more than a rent payment? If he doesn't pay your rent, you would have a few months before you would get evicted. Talk with your counselors and see what resources are available in your area. Some churches will even help with rent assistance. Please take the time and look at all of your options. As hard as it is, you know what you need to do.

**WildChild** · 01-22-2011 11:53 PM

It sounds like you need an exit plan.
1) employment - what do you need to make to support yourself? Sit down and figure this out. Rent, utilities,transportation (ins and maintenance if you have a car) food. What is the min you have to have and how can you earn that? Maybe you will need two parttime jobs until you find a fulltime job that pays a living income.
2) You may need to relocate to a place that he can't access. At the least, change the locks.
3) Get out and make some freinds, take a class, attend some talks or seminars on a subject that interests you and chat with people. Just start connecting.
4) Start trying to make amends with your children and family. What has separated you?
5) Get into counseling if you can, if you have endured 10 years of this, you will need to do some self examination and healing.

**Hopeless Dork** · 01-23-2011 12:43 AM

I think he doesn't have the woman he thinks he wants, and he is going to take it on you. He calls you jealous and paranoid... yet ADMITS to having feelings for her... wanting to be her bf etc... so you were never paranoid in being upset with their friendship... you were right on the money. It sounds like he isn't going to let her go until SHE is the one to break up their contact, probably when her man gets sick of how close her and your fiance are.

It doesn't sound like he respects your feelings, it sounds like he has taken you for granted, is holding on to you because he knows he can't have her... you don't deserve that. You deserve to be a man's number 1 pick. Would you be happy married to a man that you know is only with you because he couldn't get the one he wanted, while that may be the case in a lot of relationships -- its usually not rubbed in ones face like he's done to you, its usually not carried on and dragged out like this.

Do you have any idea how many wonderful men there are out there? Ones that couldn't bear the thought of anyone causing you pain and darn sure wouldn't be the one to put you through any, physically OR emotionally. How many men have too much respect for themselves, let alone the one they love, to pursue a relationship with a person already in one, while in one themselves?

There is too many quality men out there to sit around thinking this guy is the 'one'. Everything you have said about him points to you being head over heels in love, enough to tolerate long distance lonliness, enough to tolerate him falling for someone else, enough to tolerate physical abuse.. and him? He doesn't sound like he'd sacrafice an ounce of his own comfort to make you happy.

Battle buddy or not, if he wants to sit and pine for maria, he should have to do it in an empty bed... not laying next to you. You should not have to take the heat for his rejection from her, to deal with his bad mood over her pregnancy and engagement... he's YOUR fiance... and he's losing sleep over who this woman is marrying? It isn't right. Deep down you know it.

I think if you wait it out, let his feeling for maria grow cold... and they will, as she is with some other man -- eventually he will have to accept that.. if you wait it out he will eventually come back around to putting you his number one priority... the question you have to ask yourself is do you want to be sitting around waiting for him to heal from a broken heart he shouldn't have in the first place? The question you have to ask yourself is do you want to have to worry yourself about the next maria, or the next or the next... since he doesn't seem to have a problem crushing on someone while being engaged.

You deserve so much better, you do not deserve to be punished, mistreated, cheated on and left on a shelf while he sorts himself out...

**karenshiver** · 01-23-2011 09:46 AM

Maria and Brian have broken my heart.

**karenshiver** · 01-23-2011 10:10 AM

They are calling each other and sending texts to each other on a Sunday morning... just proves that their relationship is not work related... Maria and Brian do not work on Sunday morning. Also, Brian promised to forward all of her emails, voice messages, telephone conversations, and text messages to me... guess what? He didn't. Well, she is engaged to another man and pregnant with another man's baby, so, I guess they can have a threesome... although, I think, all of them should be attending church today... sounds like they all need God and Jesus in their lives... just my opinion.

**karenshiver** · 01-23-2011 12:43 PM

Originally Posted by Hopeless Dork

Battle buddy or not, if he wants to sit and pine for maria, he should have to do it in an empty bed... not laying next to you. You should not have to take the heat for his rejection from her, to deal with his bad mood over her pregnancy and engagement... he's YOUR fiance... and he's losing sleep over who this woman is marrying? It isn't right. Deep down you know it.

I agree... he is going to sit and pine over Maria in an empty bed... not laying next to me. It just really hurts... all of it. I am wondering whether or not to tell Maria about all of this... but, more than likely, she already knows and does not care.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-23-2011 01:47 PM

I do not understand the heart and mind of an abuser... therefore, I do not understand why he is so angry.

I'm sorry for the loss of your first husband...Can I ask, you say you had hoped to re-consile? What happened there?

You also say the abuse actually started 10 years ago but has esculated...Did / does your Father know of all of this, throughout? Why are you not close, why is he choosing, not to have you with him and then search for a job?

An abuser, often doesn't accept responsibility...Often they will put the blame on the other person, and they will state "It's your fault, I'm a nice guy", they will show everyone around them just how nice they are...Behind doors you see the real person. If they are disturbed, mentally in any way, they will also see you as an object, and that they own you, they have a "controlling mind"...Anger may come from him loosing that control over you, which it seems to be the case.

Emotional abuse can turn to physical abuse... I imagine you either felt it was in fact your fault over the past 10 years, or Iraq, and put up with it...

There is no ending of this cycle, you can't change it....I imagine Maria has only seen the "nice guy"...

Think back 10 years ago....9 years ago...8 years ago...3 years ago....you've existed that's all. You've moved for him, bended for him, but really haven't been treated with love...What is occuring for you is that your growing a back bone, realising the control, the abuse and getting to the point of NO MORE...stage, your love will dwindle...

You ask why you... Your answer is you saw it 10 years ago but you choose to forgive and stay, same 9 years ago, 5 years ago....we do amazingly silly things for what we call love and lose years because of it...

Is the lease under your name or his?

Why did you get your own place?

Where does he live?

The fact you feel some form of freedom, means your ready for this.

Were you living with him before you moved for him?

What will be will be, you need to break this control.....I don't know whether he will miss one month lease, to try to take back the control and you will be evicted but, you need to break his control over you. There will be help somewhere when that happens....There always is...

Don't discuss anything with Maria, he has a temper and she will tell him....

Focus on you at this point, not your heart, not the mistakes, not a thing called love, or anger, or hate, or revenge, rather, plan....You know you need a job, but maybe that won't occur as you need to get away from him, from that Country...

Start working out who you can talk to that can help you, and focus on you....

CW