Thread: controlling, cheating, fiance

I have been engaged to Brian for 10 years and waited for him during 5 deployments (he is a sergeant in the army)... he has a co worker named Maria... last year, he talked about her all the time (how attractive she was, how beautiful hoe body was, how physically fit she was, how funny she was)... I asked Brian to stop talking about her and comparing me to her and he got very upset and told me I was overreacting and told me to stop being so jealous of a woman I have never met.

Over the next few months, he started spending a lot of time with her, claiming it was all work-related... helped her whenever she needed help... he even stood me up for a date because he claimed he was helping her study for a test. Then they both deployed to Iraq together... Brian told me I had nothing to worry about and to stop being so jealous and that he loved me and that he would marry me when he returned home from Iraq. During his tour, Maria told him to dump me and lock me out of all of the bank accounts and she told Brian not to give me grocery money or rent money.

When Brian returned home from his deployment January 2010, he was very abusive toward me and he canceled our March wedding date, and we were off and on for the entire year of 2010... he still continued to work with Maria and be at her beckon call. on Thanksgiving Day, Brian told me that Maria had gotten engaged to another man and was having another man's baby (and Brian was upset about her upcoming marriage and pregnancy)...

I asked Brian why he was so upset over a woman he did not care about (especially when he was engaged to me and we had set another wedding date for December 26, 2010), and Brian said that he was Maria's battle buddy and that he had feelings for her and that he considered her a very close friend (after I had asked Brian to end all contact with her, and, now he is telling me they have developed a close friendship with her and he has developed feelings for her...

I demanded that he give her up and asked him who he loved... he slipped, and said, "I love her... then quickly corrected himself and said, "I love you." I was devastated and we had a huge fight because he refused to end his friendship with her... he became extremely upset and beat me with his belt and left welts, bruises, and marks all over my body. He is attending anger management classes now and has a pending domestic violence charge against him... he begged and pleaded and cried and told me he was sorry... that he was getting help and that he would end all contact with Marie.

He canceled our December 26th wedding... said he was not ready and postponed our wedding date to March 2011 (which made me mad). Then, last night, I looked at his phone records and text messages and saw dozens of phone calls and text messages between him and Maria... some were personal, some were work-related and the have been spending their lunch hours together (mind you, this girl is engaged to another man and pregnant with another man's baby)...

I confronted Brian... I demanded the truth... Brian confessed, while over in Iraq (and engaged to me) that he had fallen for Maria and wanted to date her and wanted to be with her and waiting for an opportunity to ask her out and be her boyfriend... but, he said he was not going to pursue her because she was not eligible and he was not the kind of guy who would pursue a pregnant woman... then he told me that he loved me and only wanted to be with me...

I was devastated and I started crying and then I DEMANDED that he cut all contact with her... he refused and said he was her battle buddy and would not stop doing things for her... he called me a paranoid delusional jealous and he threw his phone at me and it hit my leg... then he parked the car and got out of the car because he said if he did not get out of the car, he would seriously hurt me. He returned to the car 20 minutes later and drove to the restaurant.

He started talking about Maria... I asked him to stop talking about Maria... he said I was not going to control him and tell him who he could talk about and he continued to talk about her... we had a big fight in the restaurant... he snatched my beer away and drank it... I ordered another beer... he told the waiter to cancel the beer order and told me I was not allowed to order a beer... the waiter gave me the beer anyway...

Brian then ordered me not to talk... he said I was not allowed to say a word and he told me that if I drank the beer, then I better get some other guy to pay for it because he was not going to pay for it (I had no money because Brian controls the money)... I did not eat my dinner, and we left... he drove me home, without us saying a single word to each other and after he got home, he downloaded a bunch of wallpapers for his droid of naked girls. What do you guys think of all of this... please respond... thanks.

I do not know what I am going to do... I do not want to go to a shelter. Besides, Brian does not live with me and the shelter is only for six weeks and they will not let me stay there because they do not feel I am in immediate danger (because I live in a separate residence from my abuser)... also, I would not be able to take my possessions to the shelter (and I am not giving Brian my possessions)... I am just trying to keep my distance from him and desperately searching for a job.