My husband moved out on me and my two boys today, what are my rights?

**HrtBrkn** · 01-23-2011 02:43 AM

THis morning my husband took all of his belongings from our home in NY and moved out on me and our two boys. What are my rights? I gave up my career to stay home and raise our boys so I rely on him financially. We are living in a home we bought when we first got married. Is he still responsible to pay the mortgage and what is the spousal and child support laws in NY? I am still reeling from this unexpected abandonment and dont know what I need to do any legal help and advice is welcome.

**Seeker_Advice** · 01-23-2011 04:09 AM

You need to stay focused on two things: YOU and those BOYS. A big part of that is taking care of you and them by protecting them.... Find documents for all bank accounts....check their balances, then move ALL money that is in them to a new account with your name on it. Have the locks changed on all of the doors. If he's out, he's out and shouldn't be allowed back in unless it's on your terms.

Call all of the credit card companies and try to freeze the spending limits (first thing) or, if necessary, close all of them and open new accounts....of course you may have to move some balances with you. I would tell them that you are getting a divorce and need to prevent your ex-husband from going on a spending spree. Whether you get a divorce or not, desn't matter right now, it's protecting yourself and your children from financial harm that matters most.

Now for the toughest part.....STAY STRONG MOM !! Cry into your pillow at night, cry in the shower, cry when the kids are at school. One of your children's pillars just walked out the door. They can't afford to see the other one crumble in front of their eyes.... Are you sad, devastated, hurt and... of course you are. Are there going to be emotional times? Sad times? Angry times? Yes. It's okay to let them know that you are sad, have hurt feelings, etc. but for right now, it's better to talk about your emotions then show them. This will be very difficult at times.

Call on a friend, meet them for coffee, share with them what has happened and tell them you need an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, someone to help you make decisions and someone to help you deal with the unforseen bumps in the road ahead....whatever that road is going to look like.

Talk to your divorced friends and get referrals as to who they used for their divorce and contact a couple of them over the telephone. Ask them what's involved in getting divorced in NY state, how long it takes, how much it costs, who pays the legal (your) bills, who pays the mortgage and utility and other household bills to keep the house up and running.

You want a "junk yard dog" or "tasmanian devil" for an attorney, not "Bob the friendly attorney".

I hate to say it, but this is a "declaration of war" or at least you need to think like it is (IMO).

Stay in touch here. There are a LOT of GREAT people in here with simliar histories who may be able to help you.

I wish you well...

**HrtBrkn** · 01-23-2011 11:42 AM

Thanks so much for your advice. I am trying so hard to stay strong and I dont cry in front of the boys. My mom came over and stayed with us last night. My 4 yr old kept having nightmares and yelling for dada stay dont go. Its so heartbreaking. Around 9:30 last night my now estranged husband tried to come in the house and set the alarm off and my 4 yr old went from his zombie state to enthusiastic joy thinking that he was coming home for good. My husband didnt even hug him he just looked guiltily and went into the basement to get a few more of his things. Our 4 yr old followed him downstairs pleading his case on why dada shoud stay home that we love him and he needs to take care of us. I went to get him bc it was breaking my heart to hear him say these things and get no answer from his father and I found my son locking the basement office door saying that he was locking dada downstairs so he would stay with us forever. How could a father put his child through this and not even show any affection towards him as he is crying hysterical?

We are in serious debt (bc of his mismanagement) there is no money in our joint, less than $100. I took it all out. He has his own account I have no idea how much or little he has.

NY law prohibits me from changing locks and he has the right to come in the home.

I keep seeing conflicting advice on what kind of lawyer I want, some say like you do an agressive lawyer some say more of a peacemaker bc its better to settle with negotiation rather than litigation. Im confused at which to look for. I want to keep the house and have him continue with the mortgage and he definitely will have to pay the 25% of his salary towards child support. I dont know how much spousal support/maintenance I am entitled. I gave up my career to care for our children, and on top of that I was in a car accident 16 months ago that has left me with shoulder pain and painful neck herniations and lower back pain. I am still going to pain management for these injuries. And I have been primary caretaker of both our boys since he would come home 10:30pm or later each night.

I guess I am just reaching out to get support from people that have been or are going through similar situation as I am. I feel so alone and abandoned.

I know he has been overwhelmed by the large income tax debt he caused for himself, that we are BOTH responsible for I assume? Maybe I can take my name off of that debt bc I was not working at the time of those tax years. That would be great load off of my back if that could be a possibilty. To top it off he said that he never loved me was not in love with me that I forced him to marry him (totally untrue). I dont know why he feels the need to twist the knife even more and to hurt me so much? I have made his life very convenient for him and provided a loving environment for him and our family, I bend over backwards for our family always putting myself last. He on the otherhand is very selfish - as you can see by his actions yesterday - putting himself first always. While he was taking his stuff he said he already had an apartment and that who knows, if I try to lose weight and 'fix myself up' he might come back. I am in no way overweight. I am 5' 2" and weigh 120 lbs before kids I was 103 and worked out 5 days a week. Now 2 kids later and a husband that comes home at nearly 11pm who has the time? Fix myself up? At 11pm I am showered and ready for bed, I dont think I should be glamorous at that time.

It really has taken both our families by surprise, my family is very upset and angry, his mom is distraught and shocked and angry too. Both are going to help me out with whatever I need. I dont know WHAT I need now. Such a long post .... I dont know where to turn.

The only thing I am sure about is that I will go to a few divorce expert lawyers and get free consultations and see what my options and next steps will have to be. I think for the most part I will have to go to a child support/custody agency and file for child support tomorrow, monday.

Thanks for listening and if anyone has gone through this and has some legal suggestions for me please do.

**auntie_awesome** · 01-23-2011 12:14 PM

get an aggressive lawyer who will make sure your needs and the needs of your children are met. a peacemaker isn't going to be worth it.

**jns** · 01-23-2011 12:21 PM

It sounds like he has abandoned you for someone else. What type of job does he have and when does he start work?

**HrtBrkn** · 01-23-2011 12:42 PM

He is a lawyer, he does personal injury but does divorces as well. He leaves for work at 8am after he brings our 4 yr old to preschool. He swears there is no one else and that he works late to help get out of debt and also bc he doesnt look forward to coming home to me.

**jns** · 01-23-2011 01:35 PM

Lawyers can make good money. Where did it all go: bad investments, living too expensively, a new Mercedes every year, where?

**HrtBrkn** · 01-23-2011 01:44 PM

I have no idea! He never accounted for all the money he made. He owes about 100K to IRS so you can imagine what he actually made. Where did it all go? We dont live in a mansion we have a small modest 2 bedroom home. I have a Prius and he has a Dodge Nitro. I am very frugal with my spending. I dont spend on brand names. I have asked for his credit card bills and to get tax returns from his account for years and he would say yes but then never get me the paperwork. He cries poor and borrows money from his mom for the mortgage etc but now he can afford an apt 2 miles from us for 2K a month plus he said he would continue paying for my car - which is actually already paid for - and the mortgage which is like 4K a month.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-23-2011 01:58 PM

It sounds as if he's been living a lie from inception, with finances...

Sure, he may have mis-managed money but I'm betting he's put a fair bit away on the side as well...For $100k dept to tax, he had to be earning a heck of alot...and in doing so, you have been living in a 2 bedroom home, driving a simple car, so that's evident you were never going to try to take his money....He just ensured on the books, there is no money only debt.

That's non trust of the word marriage...

It could be that he works late at night, as a Lawyer, it could be that he spends it with someone else then comes home....who honestly knows unless you do detective work....

Every marriage should be treated as forever, meaning, things go stale? Fall out of love? Both give it another go, go back to the beginning, alas that doesn't seem to be the case these days.

I wouldn't Divorce until you get your head clear of pain....Too many times, people agree to settlement finding out after they were jipped in many ways...

For now stay strong for the boys and tell them that Daddy is leaving Mummy, not them...He loves them and will still see them...And talk to your estranged husband and tell him the boys are the most important issue in this and he can see them, pick them up and have them as well, you won't hold that against him...Don't rebel because they need both parents...

I'm sorry that this has happened.. but it's like ships passing in the night, he comes home your ready for bed, there's no laughter, conversations, chances to dress up, nothing...It's just two people living together.....Pitty he can't see that and what he could have done to change that, and see the princess he originally married.

CW

**jns** · 01-23-2011 02:11 PM

When did things start going sour, when you got injured, when the boys were born, before, after, when? I'm more suspicious that he has been living another life.

You can get a copy of your taxes you filed from the IRS by calling 1-800-908-9946. It takes 2 weeks but is free. More information is at the irs gov website. Since they were filled jointly and your name is on them, you have right to see them without your husbands consent. They will tell you how much he has been earning, at least what he is reporting.