Thread: My very forgetful and unorganized fiancée.

Is he the youngest child in the family. Maybe he has been spoiled too much by his family while growing up. Not much you can do about that except prepare yourself to be like a mother to him.

To think of it now, my husband used to be quite forgetful when were in college (say 19-ish)... But it has improved with time and added responsibilites..
He still forgets some of his meetings at work and sometimes forgets to bring groceries inspite of my having asked him to and other such stuff... He remembers things related to finances though as he is particular about his finances but that is about it and ya...anniversaries, b'days...these are the only things he has not forgotten as far as I remember...
I guess I never mothered him over that even if I always remember things and it eats me up sometimes that he is forgetting something important... I usually let him forget and he remembers when the time comes... sometimes its too late to make amends but then it ensures that he does not forget the next time and its getting better with time... I tried to point it out in the past but that technique did not work because that ways, he knows I am there to remind him even if I am not doing it in a nice way.
You could try that for a change... just telling/reminding him once and then telling him that he is on his own after that... Could work :-P

Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH

Moo

With being his "Mother" attending to everything he's not learning responsibilites and therefore nothing can change, in addition, nothing will change you will always be the "Mother" and one day your going to get sick of it.

Some people suffer from a short retention span and it sounds as if this is the case, coupled with he has no responsibilities, no job, therefore, no need to remember anything each day falls into each other, same old, same old...

Firstly, buy a Diary...and have "him" not you, write in it what has to be done on what day...I'd start by making him contribute in the house even if it is "one" thing daily and have him write it in the diary why? So that he learns to read it, every day and therefore, get a grip on remembering dates, and events.

I'd have him pay the bills with you so his mind remembers each third month for instance, the electricity bill is due...teach him...

Apart from that, he needs motivation and something to strive for, something to believe in and a goal...So find his passion and get him into a course, or if qualified get him out there looking for work, you too...Because you both need a future....not living day by day.

CW

Thank you CW. I agree that he definitely has some memory problems, and he even admits it himself that he has too many things going on in his head at once, I know his pain there. He was diagnosed with ADHD early on and spent his entire school life on Ritalin, so he never learned to deal with it properly (my mother confesses that she thinks I have ADD, but never wanted me labelled with it), and he's never lived on his own, but with his father (R.I.P.) and various other room mates who took over the financial responsibilites.

I'm starting to keep a detailed budget with Spreadsheet now, so I think maybe even printing it out and putting it on a wall or fridge will help keep us both aware of what's due.

I'll definitely talk with him about the planner, be it on his laptop or on paper. I may actually set it up once on his computer to send him reminders automatically, maybe even try to sync ours together.

One question, how do I get him to help me out with the random chore without "ordering" him to do it? I ask, he says ok, but then it never gets done. Maybe I just need to keep giving gentle reminders?

Ps. My mother also had this same problem with me when I was younger, me refusing to do chores and being a rebellious child. Maybe I see my old self in him? It definitely p***es me off, to say the least, but I don't want to be his mother.

Oh (and I know, I'm being really eclectic right now), but we both have very different ideas of what "clean" is. Having worked at a cleaning company for a while, I'm very good at cleaning thoroughly, but efficiently, and he's...not. He cleans, but he'll mostly just sweep the dirt that he sees (he wears boots all of the time so he doesn't feel the dirt), or mop the main area of the floor and forget the corners. Am I just too picky? Maybe he doesn't think he'll be good enough at it so he doesn't bother? It's so hard not to whine and complain when he isn't as thorough as I am, but I know it's not proactive to a happy relationship. Do I just come to terms that I need to do the cleaning in order for it to be done the way I'd like it to?

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Originally Posted by WildChild

This is a great technique learned from childhood to get out of doing darned near anything. If you always bungle it, are late, get lost, forget, screw it up, people do it for you or get someone else. It is not a recipe for success in life in any arena.

How does he hold a job? How will he advance?
How long until you start finding this maddening instead of endearing?

After he leaves the baby locked in a car in the hot sun for several hours?

I know he's not doing it maliciously. He's not a huge slob, just typical man-messy I suppose, but I like things cleaner (albeit a little cluttery) than most people care to bother with.

He was able to hold a job before, his most recent job lasting several years. (right now we're near Detroit so jobs are nil, and our only income is my unemployment) I don't find it endearing right now, but I'm trying to see what I can do to help him along so he CAN have a better future.