husband says not 'in love' any more

**cathymatty** · 02-03-2011 05:48 AM

hi

so i am new to this never posted in a forum before. but need some honest independent advise. myself and my husband have been together 8 yrs married 2 and half. we were v much in love but over the last 3 yrs have had so much thrown at us. first my dad who i was v close too got a brain tumour aat 54 which he died from 2 yrs later. We were best friends. i am a nurse and his wish was to die at home which he did. I looked after him and found it very hard especially at the end when nothing i did helped.

While he was sick, Gary and i married and my dads dream to give me away came true as he got to give me away. 3 wks after dad died gary got v sick with colitis. at this time i was preg and gary ended up bing sick until 3 wks before our lovely son was born. then when he was 5 months old gary had a nervous breakdown and was off work for 9 months. at the same time my mother who always had a drink problem became a alcoholic and spent time in a rehab. through out this i supported both her and gary.

Mom has been off drink since the summer and gary back in work since oct. I am also 5 months preg with out 2nd child. taught things were finally looking up. but then on 29th dec gary decided to tell me that he does not no if he is in love with me any more. says he loves me like a sister but does not feel in love. all was fine when we planned this baby and found out we were preg. this is all very sudden. says it because of every thing we have been through. we are going to marriage counseling for last 4 weeks.

Now he says he does not want to go any where that really wants our marriage to work. Originally, he basically said wanted to leave and felt bullied into marrying me as my dad was sick now says did not mean that at all. and regrets saying it but still sticks to this there are dif degrees of love etc., and not in love with me. So now i am confused. I love him but feel so unloved and have never felt so lonely. I am 5 months preg and have to ask for a hug. Sex is dead and this is all only since oct. dont no wat to do. am i kidding myself. i keep looking at friends and they all look so in love and old people and see them together and just feel that gary still plans on leaving me.

What do you think?

**pretzel** · 02-03-2011 06:45 AM

Sounds like Gary is in depression. The going back and forth with emotions is an indication that he's not thinking as clearly as one would like. If he's willing, an anti-depressant would at least help him think more rationally.

Also, with all that's been going on in both your lives, I think it would help to make a game plan as to how to get your lives back in order. I'd start with small things that both you and he can do to help organize your lives and in that to start putting time together a priority.

**auntie_awesome** · 02-03-2011 08:42 AM

I completely agree with pretzel that Gary sounds like he struggles with depression. He may actually have a more serious mental illness that is not being treated properly.

The unfortunate thing is, if he doesn't want help you can't force him to get it or stay with you. The fact that you say he had nervous breakdown makes me think something more serious is going on. He may not feel sexual towards you at the moment and doesn't understand why, that could lead to a person questioning if they love you like a sister.

Ask him if he is willing to try one more time and see if you can get him to a psychiatrist.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 02-03-2011 02:26 PM

Welcome to the Forum...

If you re-read all that you wrote, all of this commenced 3 years ago, what a burdenful amount of years for you...

Probably, Gary feels that it wasn't "marriage" as it should have been, it was "marriage" to fulfill someone's wishes, so he feels cheated there.

I think he may be weak to stress, and he's endured alot himself, having to miss you, the attention, love, happiness, forgoing all of that, whilst you spent most of your time caring for your Father, as you should have done....That led to him getting ill....and I'm sure you were the perfect Nurse there too, the cycle continued, from Dad to Husband, then your Mother and having to attend to her needs, perhaps from losing her husband, she also couldn't cope.

How did you cope?

I think your husband desperately wants his "girlfriend" back, the one that didn't have all these burdens on her shoulder, which bought the nurse out full time, unfortunately, and left no room really for the other form of love, for him, including intimacy...

Look back before all of this sadness occurred...and try to go back to that place, relationships can survive poverty, they can survive hardship with love, but they can't survive no love...

CW

**caterpillar79** · 02-03-2011 05:32 PM

Marriage counseling is best when the two people involved are willing to participate and work together. When the other one is reluctant, flat out refuses to join you, or made up his mind to not work with you anymore, then marriage counseling is pointless. If he is not willing to join you, go to counseling alone - this will help you cope with whatever is there to come.

Be strong.

**oxy-moron** · 02-04-2011 08:31 PM

Originally Posted by cathymatty

gary decided to tell me that he does not no if he is in love with me any more. says he loves me like a sister but does not feel in love. a

Some alarm bells here- people normally only say this kind of thing when they are in love( early infatuation) with someone new so be careful.
It may be depression as well . Google the link up between Colitis, Candida Albicans (Intestinal thrush ) and depression.
Depression has also been decisively linked to diet in international trials with the balance of Omega6 to Omega3 Fats of particular importance.

Depression would explain mood and attitude changes. As Chandlers List says it could all be too much for him and if he was depressed he would feel it even worse.

Boost your cuddle time with him and your young one. Give him massages , stroking and extra touches. Spoil him a bit too.- It cant hurt.