need some sound advice

**sbc** · 02-08-2011 02:20 AM

hi,

this is my first day joining and my first time ever posting anything in my life so please be gentle with me ladies.

i am at a point in my life where i find myself in love with 2 men; my husband of 7 years (who is wonderful, kind, generous, my best friend), and my lover of 3 years (who is passionate, and equally wonderful).

my marriage is perfect except for the fact that there is no longer any passion. my husband and i have not made love for 2 years now, although we get along great, enjoy each other's company and have a wonderful relationship otherwise. i am partially to blame for this since i have managed to find an outlet for my sexual frustration through my lover over these past few years and have in a way become closer to him than i am with my husband. i met my lover a few years ago and from the minute i saw him i knew i was done for, it was like a lightning bolt hit me and there was nothing i could do about it.

recent events have unfolded that have brought everything to a head; my lover has given me an ultimatum of either deciding to join him or having to move on and find someone else (as he should) and it has forced me to take action and face my issues which i have been avoiding.

my husband's sexual problems have been an issue in the past, he has a low sex drive and is generally uniterested in sex. i have tried to look for the telltale signs of cheating or foul play and have found none. he has recently gone to the doctor and we have discovered that he has erectile disfunction which he has been given medicine for. he has confessed to me that he is afraid to disappoint me in bed and feels that he will not be a man to me if he cannot perform and this is why he is afraid to try to initiate sex. i have tried reassuring him that no matter what happens at least we will be trying to fix it and it is better than taking no action at all.

i confronted my husband this week advising him of my inability to continue in this marriage if we do not try to resolve our issue NOW. i told him it was time we faced this issue once and for all.

my only problem is that i feel so disconnected from him at this point. i am not sure if i even am still attracted to him sexually, it is so hard to go from having wonderful sex with someone, sex that came so easily and was so natural to having sex with my husband in an almost planned way. plus, in these few years he has taken on a "companion" and "friend" role to me and it is so hard to see him in a sexual way although i am trying to keep an open mind for the sake of salvaging my marriage.

on top of this i am dealing with the pain and emotional turmoil of having to end my affair and the realization that i am losing someone so important in my life, someone i care for and love so much, as much as my husband, someone who in a sense has become a second husband to me and who i am passionate about. when i even try to think of him moving on and meeting someone else i feel physically sick. although logically i know it is unrealistic for me not to expect him to move on and find someone who can be there for him completely.

i am just at a loss right now and don't know what to do. i am in a waking nightmare day in and day out. some days i just want to crawl under a rock and stay there forever and i know that whatever decision i take will result in losing something so important to me. i try to think of my life without either one of these men in it and it kills me.

has anyone else been in this situation and if so, can you please provide me with some advice on how you dealt with it?

many thanks...

**SimplyLovely** · 02-08-2011 06:08 AM

I have been in this situation before although I wasn't married. When reading your post, I found many points at which you seemed more afraid of losing your lover than your husband. Maybe you should really think about whether or not your marriage is your number one priority, if you've been carrying on an affair for 4 years? You're obviously unhappy with your husband and I'm sure if he knew you were sleeping with another man because he cannot perform for you, he would also be unhappy. Your lover is unhappy being your 2nd choice. It's unfair to everyone involved. I chose to leave the man I was with for the "other man". After being with him for a short period, I realized I was in a dead end relationship. It was fun while it was casual, but once we were in a relationship he confessed that he could never trust me because of what I was doing before while in a relationship! You have a lot to think about, and I wish you the best of luck...

**sbc** · 02-08-2011 06:15 AM

thank you simplylovely for your advice and may i ask if you ever regretted your decision to leave the man you were with or ultimately decided that with or without the "other man" you were still better off?

**SimplyLovely** · 02-08-2011 06:26 AM

At first, I had more "what ifs" than regrets. "what if I made the wrong choice" "what if this relationship ends up like the last one" and most of all "what if he does the same thing to me, as I did WITH him". With or without the "other man"...I know that I was better off without him. There was just no repairing the amount of damage that had been done, I figured my only choice was to end the relationship and learn from it. You probably feel like this is such a huge decision, as I did also, but after a little while I was able to sit back & wonder why I let it go on that long, which is my only regret to this day....

**sbc** · 02-08-2011 06:35 AM

thank you, you have just given me something to be hopeful for...

**rcoreyus** · 02-08-2011 08:40 AM

Is there anything else tying you to your husband - children etc? If not, then maybe it is best for both if you leave. Not all couples are made to be together. Someone who has had little interest in sex is likely to not change very much, and if you stay you will probably always resent missing that part of your life. You will be unhappy and your husband will be unhappy.

**sbc** · 02-08-2011 10:53 PM

No, we do not have any children.

I think you are right, why would he change now? just because i gave him an ultimatum? sex shouldnt be a chore and if he is only doing it because he does not want to lose me then i dont want that either, i want us to both to enjoy it because we want to not because we have to.

I guess I will just have to see how things unfold in the near future....but I am definitely not staying if things do not change and I dont feel that it is something we are both looking forward to doing and enjoy.

**Sacha67** · 04-25-2011 08:48 AM

I was in your situation at one time. I found the choice was easier when I changed my perspective. Instead of looking at it fearfully (afraid to divorce, afraid to lose, afraid to choose wrong) I looked forward to my decision. What did I want to move towards in my life? It is limiting to make choices out of fear or trying to avoid something, like emotional pain. When you ask yourself what you want to move towards, the decision is clear. For me, I wanted to move towards a future with the man who made me feel alive and hopeful in his presence. It was hard and painful to leave my marriage. So many friends and relatives were very angry with me, including my ex-husband. They got over it. It was the right decision for me.