Confused and frustrated

**jls2569** · 02-11-2011 12:02 PM

I have been married for 17 ½ years. Have 4 children ( 15 yr old girl, 13 yr old boy, 9 yr old girl, and 6 yr old boy). We both used to be in the military, but I have been medically retired and have only been bringing in a small retirement and VA check every month.

Okay so my problem. I think my husband might be a little controlling, and/or has fallen out of love.

All through our marriage, we always hung out with his friends. Sure, they became my friends too, but they were always his first. I have only ever brought home one friend that was not his friend first. All my other “friends” were work friends. I never really hung out with them after work. Mostly because if I was invited over someone’s house for a party he wouldn’t want to go, and if I went without he would basically drill me on where I would be, when I would be home, and who exactly these people were again, where did I know them from (I even got questioned when it was a work thing). Then while at the party I would be asked why my husband did not come. Before kids, I would say he had to work, after I would say I could not find a babysitter. I only ever asked him when he thought he would be home so I knew if I should wait up, or just go to bed. He would tell me where he was going, and who would be there, but it did not matter to me because I trusted him. Any way it never changed and I think in a sense it is still going on.

I have volunteered with the PTA and school for my younger two children since I retired, and I am always getting the third degree if I do something for them (School and PTA, not kids). He either gets annoyed and mad because I did something for the PTA instead of housework, or looking for a job, but I started to think that maybe it wasn’t really the me not looking for a job or doing housework, that maybe it was because I am hanging out with people he doesn’t know, and have something going on that does not involve him.

At first, we agreed that I getting a job after I retired would just be pointless since we would have to start paying for day care again and that there is really only minimum wage jobs where we live. Now he has been stressing himself out thinking that when he retires we will not have enough to move closer to family and have to stay here, and he has us bankrupt. If I spend money, I have to answer to what it went to. I used a credit card to pay a dental bill because we were short cash due to his father dyeing and us having the unexpected expense of driving and flying to see him in hospital then back to our house and then back again when he passed. I didn’t want to bother my husband with the bill problem so I handled it. I got the third degree for 2 days. We sat down and made a budget together (mostly his input but my spreadsheet) but he is still paying the bills. And when I looked at the bank statement to update the budget I found a transfer and then a charge that had nothing to do with bills or anything on our budget. When I asked him he blew it off saying he thought the insurance money from his father would be in and then since it hasn’t he transferred to cover the 2 charges, but never told me what it was, and I asked and he said don’t worry. I would have pressed him on it and still want to, but he would most likely bring up past spending of mine (even though we both have splurged when we shouldn’t have…me spending on stuff him gambling or stuff).
Then there is the fact that I can not allow my eldest to do anything without her asking him also, but he can tell her to do something without checking with me. Oh and how he gets angry with me when my 13 yr old son starts to argue with me.

We fight like every other day lately. I was looking up jobs on an internet site for the base and he was next to me looking at jobs in the town paper saying hey so and so is hiring, and you should go here and fill out an application. And then got mad at me because I was getting annoyed. He said he was just trying to give input like he allowed me to put input into our budget. Then when he wanted to go to bed and I was still on my laptop he got up, and said he was going to sleep on the sofa…and he has slept on the sofa for 3 nights so far…total we have said maybe 50 words to each other since and some of those are text messages.

I know this is long and I am cutting a lot out just to get it posted because I have to go pick up my youngest 2 from school. But please am I just reading things wrong. I do not know what to do.

**WildChild** · 02-11-2011 12:56 PM

He sounds pretty controlling. Your bank can tell you where those charges were from. With your kids all in school and the two oldest getting to an age that they can take some responsibilty, it would be a very good idea to find a part time job and part of that money should be yours to spend no questions asked. You are both adults and need to be able to trust each other.
You don't have to supply explainations for anything if you don't want to. The sleeping on the couch sounds really immature, I wouldn't say anything about it, Let him. If he wants to be a martyr in his own mind he doesn't have to be one in yours. If he has a fit about PTO or whatever, suggest he should go volunteer sometimes but you don't have to say more than you are going to a meeting and will be back at X time. It is common courtesty to let your partner know if you will be delayed but that isn't same thing as getting permission - don't do that.

**OregonGirl** · 02-11-2011 03:35 PM

You're raising four young kids on a one-person income. That sounds quite a bit stressful to me. You talk about having money problems yet get upset that he wants you to find a job.

You don't need to pay for daycare as 15 years old is old enough to start babysitting. Even if you work part time it would be a good opportunity to start teaching your eldest girl responsibility and caring for tots. It's a life skill that we all need.

I don't think you husband sounds controlling at all. I think he is the one bringing in the bulk of the cash and he has the right to see how it's spent. The way I see this is that you're freaking out over the small stuff because it's hard to find anything to compete with his complaints. You should go online and check your bank statements if you are that concerned over where that one sum of cash went.

As for disagreeing over your daughter and your son, well that happens to the best of us. You've got to talk it out and come together on what you feel is appropriate and what is not when it comes to raising a teenage daughter. Over getting mad when your 13 year old starts to argue with you, I think this is somewhat predictable. It all depends on how your son argues with you really. Is he loud? Does he argue over everything? Is he going through that age where everything you say is wrong and everything he thinks is right? Or maybe your husband just doesn't like having another guy getting angry at you? Maybe their testosterone levels are clashing. ;P

Sleeping on the couch is just his way of trying to get his point across. It sounds like you've made him feel like he can't approach you and no longer feels comfortable sharing a bed with you. These are HUGE red flags and you don't need to ignore it, you've got to grab the bull by the horns. You owe it to yourself and you owe it to your kids to fix this now.

Pound that pavement girl, I know it's hard after being out of work for so long but once you've got your foot in the door, even at a minimum wage part time job, I bet he'll cool off now that all the stress isn't on him.

**jls2569** · 02-11-2011 04:18 PM

WildChild thanks for your advice.

OregonGirl Thanks for your response but if you read the whole post you would have seen that I do bring in money and I am looking for a job (so we can put some aside for retirment). And he is sleeping on the sofa because he got mad that I told him I already applied for the jobs he was looking at and that I was on another site looking and I would get to the site he was on later. Was it a better site no, it was just a different one. And his income plus my retirement pays the bills with some left over. His stress is not if we can pay the bills now his stress is if he doesn't pass the PT test they have he will get kicked out and we will go bankrupt because we won't have enough to pay the bills and he has said it will be my fault if we have to file bankruptcy.

And the questioning what I spent money on has been going on since we got married when we were both bringing in the same ammount of income. I have only been retired for 2 years. And I didn't check the bank statement to check up on him, I was balancing our budget sheet that we did together.

As for teaching my 15 yr old responsiblilty well, she is more responsible then most 15 yr olds. Being the oldest and a military brat (with both parents in) she has already had to step up and help out on several occasions. If it comes down to it yes she will watch her brothers and sister, but she would be in school if I work during the day and her father would be home if I work at night. And it isn't disagreeing it is I can't allow her to go out with out her asking him also or he will get angry and start a fight, yet he will not check with me like he wants me to do to him. And he only does this with the eldest and she is more responsible and trust worthy than our son, who he allows to roam the neighborhood.

As for the 13 yr old son well. even my daughter has asked why she gets in trouble when she even sounds like she is disagreeing with me and same goes for the 9 and 6 yrd old, but her 13 yr old brother gets away with it. She has seen and heard her father say something like "really" and walk off. My daughter one day was late coming home because of another parent who was driving her. My husband told her that every minutes she is late she will be grounded a weekend (ie 1 minute 1 weekend, 2 minutes 2 weekends) Yet the son comes in 15 minutes late (and he was down the block walking) I told him that the next time he comes in late he was going to loose computer time for a day and my husband told me I was too hard on him. Infact my husband and I were having a great day until that happened. Then the rest of the day it was tense. Oh and no he doesn't argue over everything, and he never argues with his father even if he disagrees with him, he just sits there quietly.

**WildChild** · 02-11-2011 04:39 PM

One word comes to mind.
Chauvinist

**JadedQueen** · 02-14-2011 02:54 AM

jls- It sounds to me like your hubands has the mentality that males wear the pants and the women have a different set of rules to follow. It's a total double standard. Has he been this way throughout your entire relationship or did it change or get worse when you got your retirement/disability?

his stress is if he doesn't pass the PT test they have he will get kicked out and we will go bankrupt because we won't have enough to pay the bills and he has said it will be my fault if we have to file bankruptcy.

I find it ironic that he will blame you if HE doesn't pass the PT test HE will get kicked out of the military, but you will still have your retirement/disability income but yet in his eyes it will be your fault if you have to file bankrupcy. It's HIS test and HE is responsible to study for it and pass it. It sounds to me like he thinks he's superior to you because he's the MAN or because he brings in more income than you do, or because that's the way he was raised (does his Father act that way towards his Mother?) Have you considered counseling? Even if he refuses to go, you can go without him.

Like I stated earlier I was in a very similar situation. My hubby was military also and he got deployed a LOT (248 days per year on average) and we had a baby. It was pointless for me to work because my entire paycheck would go to pay a sitter. I would basically be working to pay a sitter and miss out on spending time with our son, it was bad enough his Dad was away all the time. He acted superior because he earned all the money and when he was home he was very controlling. When our son started school I started working and that made things worse because I wasn't at his beck and call (yes some nights he had to actually prepare his own dinner by calling and ordering a pizza) and I could tell that he resented my job and my new found independence. For several years we played tug-o-war him trying to continue to control everything and me trying to stand up for myself and break the cycle (which I FINALLY did). If you want things to get better you are going to have to sit down and talk to him and tell him you are in a partnership, you are both equals, you are not his property and he has no right to continue to treat you the way he does and he needs to set a standard for the kids. You need to put your foot down and dig your heals in and stand up for yourself as well as your kids. That's the only way you are going to be able to put an end to this double standard.

Oregon Girl.... your response was kinda harsh. So what he brings in more income that gives him the right to treat her like a child and require her to answer to him? Cuz he earns a little more money then she does? And it's okay that he has two different sets of rules for the kids? The younger male child can run amok but the older child has to follow a strict set of rules. Regardless of who earns more money, marriage is supposed to be a partnership and partnerships are equal.