Need advice on sensitive matter, can't talk to my fiance/bestfriend, its about him.

**Curiousandconfused** · 02-13-2011 05:27 PM

He and I have been together for a little less then a year, yes and to be engaged it is a little quick, but we both knew it was much more then just a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. We call each other soulmates. We are truly in love.... at least thats what I think.
Here is his history: His Mother committed suicide in the same house as him at age 5, he remembers the majority of what happened. His father was re-married numerous times to women who were abusive to both him and his younger brother. He was with a woman for 8 years before me. They were married for 6 years and were married because he was "doing the right thing" because she was preggers. This was 1.5 years ago. I was with my ex for a little over 7 years, I left him for my current boyfriend. Like I said it was a whirlwind of a romance.

The issue: We were part of a swingers club in our city. Of which I was completely accepting of. Until, I went on the site and he was contacting people through messages pretending that he was me and I was asking the questions. I quickly erased that site and told him that I don't mind getting a little "frisky" but I want the respect that I deserve in a relationship. That was 4 months ago. Currently, I was on my phone and I opened the internet app. The site open was Adam4Adam.com...... A gay club site for men. I thought it was just an accident that popped up when he was looking at Porn, no worries. But something in the back of my mind bothered me. So I went onto the site, created a fake account and looked around. I know I'm overstepping boundaries of privacy... but I should know if he is going behind my back.

Anyway, the point is that I found his profile on the site. I'm kinda in shock. I'm confused and I have NO IDEA what I'm going to say to him. I still love him and will except him for who he is, but I don't know if I can except this. I don't have a lot of female friends to get advice from who don't know my fiancee and I would never want to "out" him by talking to one of them about it. SO , I'm here asking for advice. What should I say? I don't want to be abrasive or hurtful, nor do I want to end our relationship.... I'm so confused.

**JadedQueen** · 02-14-2011 12:50 AM

Hello and welcome to the forum. You came to the right place, there are so many nice people here and it's a HUGE comfort just to be able to vent and get good honest feedback.
Now... WOW... that's a tough situation. I think you are going about things the right way and taking time to figure out the be way to approach him instead of jumping to conclusions and accusing. I think the best, and well the only way to deal with this is communicate. Make sure when you do talk to him you don't accuse him of anything and make it clear that you aren't judging him but if the two of you are going to have a future together you need to know and have the right to know if he's gay, bi-sexual, bi-curious, etc...You also need to find out if it's gone beyond the chat room, you have a right to know out of respect as well as personal safety and if he has please go get tested. Sorry I can't offer you more helpful advice, but I hope everything works out for you.
Ya know, after reading your post and giving it a little bit of thought something occured to me... There are so many double standards in regards to males and females and majority of the time the double standard works to the males favor... but think about this... how many women have "experiemented" with another female (which most guys get turned on by that) but no one would automatically think she's a lesbian, and it probably wouldn't be a big issue with her male SO... BUT... when a man shows any hint of "experiementing" with another man... people don't look at it the same way and would consider the man to be gay.
Anyway... I hope things work out for you. Please keep us posted and if you need a shoulder, need to vent, this place is great.

**stressed** · 02-14-2011 02:37 AM

Since you've both been experimenting with a swingers' club, I don't find it that much odd that he'd might want to experiment with men as well. You can simply ask him about it, but considering the approach of both of you on sex, I don't think you should be overly-concerned. Ask him about it in a non-judgmental manner.