Should I put this question?

**blue_** · 02-24-2011 04:39 PM

Hello girls!
I need your advices and opinion for my situation:
I came to the USA 5 months ago to be with my boyfriend. We know as for about 2 years, but we are close since 1.5 years. We are from an European country but he lives in the USA for about 12 years already with his family. We communicated through skype for about one year, then he came to our country last summer and we spend night and day together for 4 weeks. Then he asked me to move with him. I left my job, left my family and my friends, my home and came here. I don’t want to lye – it’s difficult for me! I have nothing here, except him. I don’t have a job, and I don’t have friends (I don’t feel his friends as mine). He behaves to me very well, I can’t complain about it. He tries to do things so, that I don’t miss anything, but actually in this situation it’s impossible.
Now the question:
I got pregnant 2 months ago. Both we are very happy! BUT! I was expecting him to propose me to marry him. Unfortunately there is no clue that he has such intention

.
Now I feel a little deceived, because I had give up my whole life and he don’t want to make this stride. Besides that I’m wondering is it save for me and my child to stay here after I’m not married?
He puts me in a uncertain situation, because I don’t know what will happen with my visa. He sais everything will be fine, but I want to know until when will I be in such uncertain situation.
What do you think girls? Should I ask him anything? Should I explain him my fears? I don't want to push him to make this decision. But I don' want to live with this feeling.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 02-24-2011 05:11 PM

Hi blue, you put this in husband/fiance so I'm thinking that is your desire, wish and was when you came to live with him.

Sweet, we don't make choices with expectation, rather hope, life is a gamble and you choose how to live it, you chose to be with him and it's not all as you thought, with regards to work and friends but that takes time.

He didn't make you leave your family he didn't decieve you at all. You don't say when you moved over, was that a couple of months ago? Did you protect yourselves?

You say your both happy about it , you know marriage is a huge commitment so is having a baby, both should be planned, sounds as if one wasn't planned and you want a shotgun wedding, are you worried about what your family will say out of wedlock?

I am sure you will receive advise regarding visa's, pregnancy, not married and if you need more information on that , ask him whom to talk to about it, definately express your fears that you will be sent home with a baby and never see him again, and ask him how he would feel if that was to happen

Don't try to force him to marry you because precaution wasn't taken and within such a short time of moving over to be with him, pregancy occured. Your relationship was long distance, you've had a total as I see it of 3 months together, not long enough to think if marriage will work for the both of you and he shouldn't marry you just because you got pregnant together, rather he should want to be a part of the baby's life, always and continue with his relationship with you if he's happy.

CW

**blue_** · 02-24-2011 05:43 PM

Thanks for the opinion Chandlers Wish!
In fact, I didn’t thought about marriage when I came here. The most important for me was that I managed to come here to be with him. After we found I was pregnant, I started to ask myself questions like “what after my visa expires?” We had plan to travel to my country in summer, but now it will be impossible. In fact, I won’t be able to travel this year at all. This thing also makes me asking myself if I will get any certainty ever. It’s not my family, it’s just me and my wish to have the feeling of certainty.
We have total 5 months together here + 1 month in summer. Of course I won’t push him. As you can see I din’t even pop the question.
I feel a little deceived because in summer we had a conversation with another couple and he said he is not OK with couples that bring up children and do not marry. Then I thought that he is resposnsible in such situation.
We protected ourselves, but it just happened.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 02-24-2011 06:06 PM

So he's contradicting himself, that's why you feel decieved, difficult until someone speaks more

But maybe he will ask you, if that is his belief, morals, I think most do so, in time, just before the baby is born, or just after... Maybe he's viewing finances, checking out what will happen to your visa at present with travel, as he says everything will be fine...

If he loves you in addition, he's not going to make you feel it's a shotgun wedding, he's going to make you feel he's asking you because he loves you and that takes plans.

Maybe, it's finances as well and he's sorting those out to buy a ring.

Point being, if you don't communicate and discuss, then you always have doubts.

Can you just talk to him about what you "both" are going to do, about your lives now with a baby, you appreciate that he says it's all fine, and your over the moon that he's happy your both having a baby but your confused of what happens from here, with everything and tell him you love him.

CW

**blue_** · 02-24-2011 06:52 PM

The thing that is confusing me most of all is that he avoids all kind of conversation, connected with the marriage since I came to live with him. I feel stupid because of that. As if he start to talk about it, I’ll insist on it?!?! But he knows I’m not that kind of person at all. I don’t know what is on his mind.
If I put this question – what we are going to do, I’m afraid he could interprete as I’m asking him if (or when) will he ask me in a roundabout way. That’s way I do not.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 02-24-2011 06:57 PM

Well, it's difficult when two people are in a relationship and more so, expecting a child together, and they can not communicate..

Can you contact the authorities re:- visa without giving your name and pose the questions of what happens if you are on a visa, and meant to travel back home, but are now pregnant, is there an extention that can be granted to you until you've had the baby? Don't give your name out, just ask questions...

I think at the moment there are two questions that being one and I encourage anyone who knows the laws in Chicago in that regard to reply.

The second being, him feeling that he "has"to ask you to marry him now or you thinking that's what he's thinking yet, he won't communicate with you so your left in the dark.

Does your family know yet? His family? How old are you both?

CW

**blue_** · 02-24-2011 07:11 PM

Yes, my family knows and last days they asked about my visa too. His family knows it and they are happy too. We both are near 35.
Sorry CW, but I didn't get this: "The second being, him feeling that he "has"to ask you to marry him now or you thinking that's what he's thinking yet, he won't communicate with you so your left in the dark." My english is not so well...

**jns** · 02-24-2011 08:22 PM

I'm sorry your bf doesn't step up and marry you. Unfortunately I think that many people these days don't give any thought to marrying, rather it scares them to death. However, with as much time as you both have invested in the relationship, it should have been brought up before if only to be sure you are both on the same page about not getting married.

That being said, try talking to him and finding out his thoughts about marriage. Be direct, don't hint. Also, take time and organize your thoughts on marriage, even writing them down. You could give him your thoughts after hearing his. Maybe there is a compromise somewhere. Good luck and best wishes.

**blue_** · 02-24-2011 08:30 PM

Тhank you for your opinion, jns and for your good wishes!
It's an interesting position, and I'll think about it. Maybe I should stop feeling confused about talking about marriage.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 02-25-2011 02:22 AM

Originally Posted by blue_

Yes, my family knows and last days they asked about my visa too. His family knows it and they are happy too. We both are near 35.
Sorry CW, but I didn't get this: "The second being, him feeling that he "has"to ask you to marry him now or you thinking that's what he's thinking yet, he won't communicate with you so your left in the dark." My english is not so well...

Don't be sorry

I'm saying the second problem is that either, he thinks he has to ask you to marry him, because, that's his morals, he's told his friends that but you want him to "want" to, .... but he's not communicating with you so you are confused.

At 35, did you meet on a dating Agency? I forgot, congratulations on your pregnancy...

Do you think that he believes that it happened, you were protected?

You have to talk to him, your both adults, he may feel that you wanted the visa trapped him, I'm by no means saying you did, please don't get me wrong, but if you met on a dating site, ( I met my ex boyfriend on a Forum he America, me Australia..) but if you did and 5 months after being together, your pregnant, Chicago is a better place for you financially, he may wonder and you need to set him straight.

Problem is we don't know what he is thinking, only what you are thinking, betrayed, why hasn't he asked you to marry?

He will love his child, it I would suspect is his first? He's 35... but love is deep and you haven't said anything what so ever, on how much you love him, how he makes you feel, how you couldn't live without him, rather, child, marriage...

So maybe, he's thinking the same.

CW

Thread: Should I put this question?

LinkBack

Thread Tools

Search Thread

Display

Should I put this question?

Similar Threads

Got a question

****** Question

Bookmarks

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions