Thread: is catching him out about to cheat the same as cheating

A man's perspective....

YES !!

To me, it's as much about INTENT to deceive as it is about the actual deception.... "I didn't rob the bank, just drove the getaway car".

He had thought about it, thought it through in his mind, planned for it to happen and got caught before it happened....what is good about any of that?

Trust will be tough to rebuild and take a looooong time to do (IMO).

Call me weird but since when do we have "his mail" or "my mail" when you are married? Isn't it just "the mail"? Do you keep a lot of things seperate? Bank accounts? Money in general? Split the bills? Retirement?

Hi
it is cheating of sorts anyway in that he is trying to escape the day to day intimacy of your relationship.

But all it really means in Mammalian terms is that the both of you have let the Oxytocin in your relationship slip to a low level.
Google the following.

Love You From the Bottom of My Brain: The Neurobiology Behind Love -Miranda White
You can read in a page how the the cuddle hormone "Oxytocin" regulates relationships.
This is one of many articles out there


Oxytocin regulates loyalty in families, couples and groups. If he sees you as the one who is providing his feel good Oxytocin he will remain loyal- If you get the levels high enough he will be fiercely loyal.


There is also a Youtube video from a researcher into Oxytocin who says that the feeling of love is the mixture of Oxytocin and Dopamine. If they take either of these out of the equation there is no feeling of love. The presentation is by Doctor Larry Young.
There are a lot of researchers out there with their own special interest but very few that put the whole picture together- scientist would like to see a pill made to boost Oxytocin- who knows what effect that will have on the population.

The good news is that Oxytocin/Vasopresin can be manipulated through touch and behaviour. You need to be careful of the Coolidge effect though. This is what causes erosion in relationships- ever wonder why you are still good friends with people you have known for years but not with old lovers - how you slept with a good friend and how it destroyed the friendship. This is because all mammals have an inbuilt mechanism to make them loose interest in their partner after sex. This can have an effect lasting form days to weeks and is well tested in many animal populations.
This is intended to promote genetic diversity but also weakens bonds. You can bet that if he did meet this woman he was emailing that he would have entered the motel room thinking she was hot and left thinking she was a sc**k. This would be the Coolidge effect. It has a stronger impact on males.

Oxytocon is the master key.
Gentle massage will boost it,casual touch and sex will boost it.
I have done testing in my own relationship and now believe you can treat Oxytocin like a bank account. For every Orgasm you have with your partner there should be at least an hour of Oxytocin boosting behaviour. Preferably spread out over days.
As an extra reward scientists have also determined that Oxytocin provides Health benefits by relieving stress. It promotes longevity( possibly so that the caregiver lives longer)

You may feel that you should isolate him to make him pay but that will send him to ground and he will be back trying to cheat in six months once he feels that the heat is off.
Learn how to manipulate Oxytocin and all your relationships will benefit.

Very interesting oxy. I'll have to do my own research . I'm trying to work on getting closer with my husband after he had an emotional affair. I've been reading through the posts about them to find ways to help work through it. Tyt-o, the not knowing is tough to say the least. It's hard to know which is truth & lies after trust has been broken. If you love each other & he's willing to work things out, take full advantage. It's hard to figure out what you will need from him, but start with basic boundaries. Ask him to do things for you that would be easy for him to do. It's a good way to start small & slowly build back trust

Would your husband have went through with it? Who knows. Maybe he doesn't even know. But since he didn't actually do it, doesn't mean he is off the hook -- it means you guys have work to do on your relationship to find out what it is that drove him to that point... him being honest is crucial to you understanding why he went as far as he did -- so that you can decide if you think its possible for it to happen again. If he admits to it being something sexual -- you guys can talk about ways you can work on YOUR sexual relationship together, if it was for the attention, again... you guys can try to fix all that ails . But if it was just him being selfish and wanting his cake and eat it-- then... its more risky for him hurting you again.