My wife never says "I love you" if someone is in earshot

**Niceguy** · 02-25-2011 02:03 PM

My wife travels a lot and she usually calls every night when she is on the road. We almost always end the conversation with a "I love you". For a long time now I have noticed that if she is not alone, she will not say it. She says "ditto" or "same here" when I say "I love you" to her. If she is in her car, or in her motel room, she always says it. But if she is on an airplane, or anywhere else in public, she will not say it. I have no reason to suspect she is cheating, and we have been married 35 years. But last night she called from our daughter's house and I could tell that our daughter was in the same room as my wife and when I said "I love you" she said "same here". I could not take it anymore and I said "why are you embarassed to tell me you love me in front of our daughter?" She said "Don't start!". Then she said "I love you too. Are you happy now?" I am a very insecure man with low self esteem. I know I have mental issues but I still feel as if this is a legitimate question. Maybe she really does not love me much, I don't know what to think.
She is coming home today but I am afraid to bring it up because she has been gone for five days and I don't want to start a fight. What should I do?

**LanaBear** · 02-25-2011 02:54 PM

Have you told her, in an hones to goodness conversation, how you feel about it?

At the beginning of my relationship, I never said I love you, well, I did, but hardly ever. It bothered my husband and he told me why. After we talked about it and I understood where he was coming from, I agreed. This was 13, 14 years ago, but now I always tell him I love him. Especially when parting ways or getting off the phone with each other. His reasoning is that if something were to happen to either one of us, he would feel so incredibly bad if the last words I didn't hear from him were that he loved me. At first I thought it was pretty ridiculous, but after thinking about it, it made sense. I'm glad he told me why it was important to him.

I didn't come from a very openly loving home, of course, I always knew my mom loved me, lol, but it wasn't something we always said. That's changed in my house because of my husband and his feelings for it and I am happier with it.

**Seeker_Advice** · 02-25-2011 03:03 PM

Wait for a more appropriate time.... Perhpas when she has been home a few days and has re-entered her routine. When one of you isn't exhausted from traveling and feeling pressed to get back into normalcy.

I will never be married thirty five years, it just wasn't in the cards for me, so a big tip of the hat to you and your lovely bride for that.

I congratulate you!!

Try not to make a mountain out of a mole hill...you know she loves you and she knows you love her, but yes, it's still nice to hear and a wonderful way to end a conversation...any conversation. As long as it does not become like the grocery store check out person "paper or plastic?" or "Have a nice day"....

Have you tried to "mix" it up a bit? Perhaps remind her that you love her as much/more than you did 35 years ago. Or tell her she is just as beautiful as she was then...or something other than "I love you" They say variety is the spice of life...so add something that she's not expecting that expresses your love for her in a different yet direct way....

35 years with grown child(ren).... It doesn't get much better than that...except maybe 55 years with grown children like my parents !!

**jns** · 02-25-2011 11:41 PM

Some people just have trouble saying it when others are in earshot. It's just the way they are wound.

When I was growing up my father never said he loved me or my siblings. He was hard as nails, but he would take time to take us to the doctor when we got sick. He obviously worried about us, just he never said it. Somewhere about 15 years ago he started saying he loved me as we ended a phone conversation. I was in my mid 30s and he in his mid 70s. It just took him a long time to express it verbally. I also tell him I love him and tell my wife every day that I love her.

**stressed** · 02-26-2011 01:15 AM

I don't remember hearing my parents say "I love you" to each other, ever. They tell us they love each other individually, but they don't say it to each other it in front of their children or when they're both in the same room. I know they do. My father has never told me he loves me either but I know for certain he does, I've never had any doubts. My mother started telling me so when I first moved out and will say so from time to time. I don't feel I need to hear/say it to them, I know and they know, they show it, which is more important than saying it.

As for relationships, it makes me tired of being told I'm loved several times a day and having to say it back. I also have a problem saying "I love you" when others are around, because it's something private between me and my partner. I once had a problem with an ex because of this as he thought I was cheating on him and at times he'd ask me to say it loud just because (embarrassing).

I've also always had a problem with parents telling their little children "they love them" and hear the children say "I love you" back. That's because children do not fully understand what love means and that can make them grow up with saying "I love you" too easily.

Talk about it with your wife, but you shouldn't be worried about it. It's not words that show love, it's actions.

**oxy-moron** · 02-26-2011 09:21 PM

Possibly just reflects her personality
I personally think that actions speak louder than words.
If she act like she loves you - then that is all that really counts.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 03-01-2011 07:06 AM

She may feel that it's mechanical and a result of your insecurities rather than your true genuine feelings of love.

I use the L word very lightly in relationships. I'm very bored and "turned off" by someone who mechanically tells me they love me at the exact same times and moments each day. It becomes like this race to shove those three words at the end of a conversation. I don't want to just hear it, I want to FEEL it. And in order for me to FEEL that love, I need someone to at times randomly say "You know what? I love you so much." , or "I am so incredibly in love with you", or "I love you baby!"...so that it makes me stop and say to myself "yes he does....and I love him too!", instead of a race to throw in the words at the end of a conversation to provide security. That may make no sense to anyone else but me....... I dunno.

I would not bring it up while she's home this time. I would work very hard to have a wonderful time with her while she's in and try switching things up a bit. Let her feel sincerity with you instead of insecurity.

**pretzel** · 03-01-2011 07:28 AM

I know I always tell my wife how much I love her even if it's not always recipricated. She never says it to me first and yes, I think it's part of her personality and sometimes it does get a bit frustrating. It's nice to hear it and to be believed.

I think BD does have a point of sometimes it seems mechanical. But that's ok as far as I'm concerned. I do my level best to always end our phone conversations with "I love you" and always tell her I love her before going to sleep. Whether it's mechanical or not, it makes me feel good to say it because I believe it and I believe you can never tell the person you love too many times "I love you"

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-03-2011 04:32 AM

I could not take it anymore and I said "why are you embarassed to tell me you love me in front of our daughter?" She said "Don't start!". Then she said "I love you too. Are you happy now?" I am a very insecure man with low self esteem

Simply it is not in her nature , you too, is the same thng I say that...

Alone she feels safe to express, in front of people un-comfortable, you are not communicating with each other or else she would have been free to explain this, but your insecurity is making her shut up and shut out..

You've been married for a while, you have the fear of her travelling and finding someone else, she is tired of proving her love , believe in her..

CW