Need Some Help!*Advice*

**JX84** · 03-01-2011 09:09 AM

So, my husband and I have been together for over 8 years and married for 3.
We arent legally married, but we did a traditonal ceremony between our families.
Cut to the chase and not have this go on so long...
He and I got into an arguement on Saturday evening because I wanted to go hang out with my sisters because I havent seen them in weeks. He said it was okay...
When I called him to let him know I was leaving work and on my over to my sister's house... he completely changed... saying I needed to be home and hang out with his family because everyone was over and that he doesnt have money to go out and hang out so it's not fair and hung up the phone. I got upset so I went straight home and cancelled on my sister (As always)... On my way there the roads were bad as it had been snowing all day... I slid around on the highway and was turned the exact opposite way of the oncoming cars I was so scared. I called my husband right away no answer.... I called the home phone no answer.... finally got my car turned around and called and called my husband with no answer.... When I got home I was fuming angry. I looked at him and asked him what his problem was and he said me... everything went wrong from there. I started screaming at him, he screamed back... he shoved me out of his way and I pushed back..... I called my aunt and pleaded her to come and get me because I was done with this relationship (Speaking from anger).... she heard me screaming and crying and him shoving me around. She called the police.... he was arrested. I was taken back home by uncle.... now I am living with them. I was told that my family would disown me if I ever went back. I have contacted my husband and I think everthing just got out of hand and it's just another stupid argument that got out of hand and now everyone is involved....

My family wants me to have NOTHING to do with him or his family.
His family want him to have NOTHING to do with me.

The only way out would be us walking away from our families and just living on our own for now to be together until one day they all can forgive us.

But now he wants me to go to his home and apologize to everyone.... and saying its the only way we can move forward and be together.

What should I do? I'm sorry I'm all over the place.

**pretzel** · 03-01-2011 09:27 AM

To say it got out of hand quickly is an understatement. This argument escalated to domestic violence which involved the police. That I'm afraid takes an argument to a whole different level.

I can't tell you to go back or not. I do believe that if he's demanding an apology from you to his family he had better be man enough to do the same for you and your family. It goes both ways and from your description of the incident, it seems like a one way relationship to me.

I think you would be best served staying at your aunt and uncles house until you can resolve the issue of whether or not your life would be better with or without support from both your families. Do you honestly believe him and his family are willing to answer the same question.

**rcoreyus** · 03-01-2011 10:38 AM

Have other arguments gotten out of hand and gotten physical before, or is this a one-time issue?

**Seeker_Advice** · 03-01-2011 12:46 PM

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE !!

What was a "push" this time wil become a "slap" or "punch" from him and/or you next time.

Is that what you want? Really?

I don't understand DOMESTIC VIOLENCE and never have, so I draw a pretty hard line when it comes to it.

No excuses, no exceptions!

**WildChild** · 03-01-2011 01:33 PM

The men have weighed in that this is a bad situation. I will add my voice that you need to look at this seriously.
It sounds like there are control issues and like you could both use better skills in conflict resolution. There are right ways and wrong ways to resolve differences (hint: screaming isn't one of the right ways). His not answering when you called is a control drama but so was your freaking out over him getting pissy and giving your plans to see your sister. Martyrdom doesn't really look good on anyone, no matter how much churches may promote it. The two of you are feeding each other's dramas and this isn't healthy.

You would both benefit from some guidance in how to communicate, compromise and interact in a healthy way - whether you stay together or not.
My guess it that this isn't an isolated incident. I doubt your families would be so adamant if this was the first time the two of you had a falling out.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-01-2011 02:36 PM

JX,

Toxic relationships always end up in abuse, he said, she said, she shoved, he shoved back.

Controlling someone is not a relationship...Yes you can go, no it's not fair, I have no money to hang out, you do, get home..I changed my mind...

Your parents are older, wiser and if both parties are saying they don't want either of you to go back together ,then they are aware you are in a toxic relationship, nothing can be gained from it but more abuse, and worse...

As people above stated, generally, the Police are not called, your crying would have had to be hysterical, pleas, your screaming "don't, or no".... Think back, if you were scared of the on-going traffic coming your way in ice, why are you not scared of what occured that night? Why do you feel that "oh it was just anger, mis-understanding, it will be okay".....

And, why is it "ok" to never see your sister? Have a life....

Listen to your gut instinct instead of your heart....and listen to the wise, as they are older and know.....

Imagine seeing your sisters when ever you want, hanging out with new friends, going to dinner with a man that smiles at you tells you your beautiful, holds your hand...

You and only you can make the decision which road you want to travel, I know which road I would be choosing.

CW

**Seeker_Advice** · 03-01-2011 03:49 PM

GOD I wish I had the WISDOM of some of the people in here, namely WC and CW. I would say that it comes with age, but I am older.

I find myself, at times, awestruck by what they have to say and how they say it....beautifully!

Didn't mean to get off on a side bar...sorry!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-01-2011 04:04 PM

Originally Posted by Seeker_Advice

GOD I wish I had the WISDOM of some of the people in here, namely WC and CW. I would say that it comes with age, but I am older.

I find myself, at times, awestruck by what they have to say and how they say it....beautifully!

Didn't mean to get off on a side bar...sorry!

That is because we are Witches - Seeker

But thank you....

I believe if you read into words, you can see a different picture, such as fear of the highway, yet no fear of this person, means a fear of being on her own, a fear of no one else loving her, a fear of herself.

CW

**jns** · 03-01-2011 07:02 PM

He should be a man and take ownership for his part of the argument. He should apologize to you and your family. Then you should apologize to him and his family. Then you both need to work on communications. He needs to work on not being controlling. You both need to work on diffusing situations and being able to let things go. You may be able to save this if you want to with counseling. If you both cannot commit to working on making things better, you two should split up. If you both commit and things get physical again, it's time to go. If this is just the latest of a series of such confrontations, again, it's time to go.

**JX84** · 03-02-2011 12:02 PM

Thank you so much for everyone's advice. I really appreciate it...
I will take it step back and reevaluate my situation.
Cant always wear my heart on my sleeve... I must use this big head of mine as well. =D

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