Ex-wife in our life too much.....

**scottie** · 03-02-2011 02:02 PM

I can't quite believe I'm here posting this, but I feel pretty lost at the moment.... So, here goes...... I lost my wonderful husband 2 years ago when he collapsed during a sports event. Myself and my 2 children (aged 7 and 8 now) were present. He was absolutely my sole mate - we met in our late 20s whilst working abroad and had tested the waters so to speak. I still live abroad. We had a horrific first year adapting to life without him but someone wonderful has now come into my life and the children and I are all working on building a new life with him. He has custody of his 3 children (9, 15 and 16) but due to his work commitments, his ex-wife keeps them after school until he picks them up every night. I am fundamentally a very positive person but feel like I'm drowning in the chaos of the set-up and constant presence of his ex-wife in our lives. His children are wonderful and all of our kids get along amazingly and I look after his youngest all the time as I work in the school now (still getting a hang on the language!) and am free when the kids are (she also has all the school holidays but rarely takes her kids when she can be with her boyfriend or has other stuff planned) Anyway, she arrives without warning at his house when we are there and creates tension based on her kids (behaviour of the 15 year old, etc.). I actually get along with her well, but have learned that tolerance and respect are very different things. She has the kids for a certain amount of days in the holidays, but calls before the end to say she can't handle them and she's not well. I love the time we (me,my kids, him and his) spend together, mad as it is, as it really is a pleasure to all be together - he feels the same way too. BUT, I do not like having my life dictated to by someone who has no responsibility or respect. She arrives at the house unannounced all the time or calls and makes a fuss about one of the kids or whatever. Feels liks she wants control without the responsibiliy. Ach, sometimes I think it's not the end of the world, could be worse right.... then I have a day like today when it really gets on top of me and I want my simple life back and I miss terribly my husband. I've expressed myself to my partner and he gets it, but she's absolutely indifferent to all the means he has tried to put a stop to it. I just don't see how we can move on or ever live all together if she is constantly in the picture, and we have a long way to go with the youngest. Please tell me that someone else has this nonsense to deal with!! Thanks for listening. Scottie

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-02-2011 03:36 PM

It is possible that you're actually still grieving.

I want my simple life back and I miss terribly my husband.

It is very difficult to enter something harder to handle than before, as well yet you embrase it but the stress of it is difficult, and that stress seems to be more based on a different World to that which you were used to.. And a need to move on and be happy in life

If you get on well with her and she has a boyfriend, you can't change the " I've had enough I am not well" but you can change the dropping in without warning, call her and tell her, we may not be in today, just thought I would let you know, give us a call on our mobile if you plan to drop through and we'll let you know how far away we are. Do that a couple of times a week, so that hopefully you change the pattern...

She will always be in the picture you can't change that, so work on just changing the annoying parts that doesn't allow you to feel that you are in a relationship exclusively...Children need both parents, but partners only need each other.

CW

**stressed** · 03-03-2011 02:16 AM

Your partner is the best, if not the only, person who can set the rules. It is his ex-wife, their children, he has an equal say in this as she does. Her behavior is unacceptable and disrespectful to all of you. This also sets an unpleasant environment for all the children.

Perhaps you and your partner can have a serious talk with her and her partner about the situation at a cafe/outside without any of the kids around. There are children and teenagers involved, which should go first and all this creates a mess for them.

Nope, it's not the end of the world, there are always problems in relationships. This one can be solved with firm and direct communication, but also without arguments. If his ex wife is not mentally unstable she will realise and want what is best for her children. Because her current behavior is not.

**WildChild** · 03-03-2011 08:08 AM

Certainly it at all possible this needs to be dealt with away from the kids. They need to feel wanted and loved in both households. With mom saying she can't handle them and isn't feeling well and such, there are probably times when they feel like they are in her way and that may lead to some acting out.

Really their father needs to set the limits but you can help and I think you can do it by being really solicitous. Before she is to take her children, ask how is she feeling? Is she up to this? If it's during holidays and you have plans or even if you don't, rather than having those disrupted (and you are right that is a control drama) call and say for example, "We are going to be unavailable for the next three days. How are things going? Do you want us to take the kids? We can take them now but after 2pm we won't be able to until Saturday." Doing this you set your limits and don't make them so that you will be stressed. If you have something planned for 6 pm, then 3 pm is the latest that you can change your plans. This pushes her to either plan ahead or deal with things.

Unfortunately you will have to deal with her at some level for many years and for as long as this man is in your life. Try to keep a sense of humor for all your sakes.

**scottie** · 03-03-2011 01:00 PM

Thanks to everyone for their replies. We've tried to explain we're not around and she has to keep the kids but she just leaves them either at his house on their own (the 15 and 16 year old) or at the grandparents (his parents) house without notification to us or via a message through the 15 year old girl. Yet the next day she kicks off about the 15 year old for not respecting her and punishes her by saying she can't come stay at her house near her friends. We feel like as we'd much rather they were all with us as it really is a happy environment and I am very aware of their need for their mother, but when they are with us she seems to be present via phone calls or unannounced visits, and when they are wih her she calls up my partner to sort out any problems she is having with them. We are trying so hard to be tolerant and friendly and understanding of her situation, but I do feel like it's a relationship of three instead of two sometimes. My take is that there are times when, of course, parents must communicate about issues over their children, but on a daily "can you sort this out for me" basis I feel that once you are divorced it is your responsibility to maintain and continue to nurture the relationships with your kids and turn to each other on the big issues that relate to the education, decisions, etc of your children. We excuse her behaviour in all sorts of ways for the kids and try to reassure, particulary the youngest, that her mother loves her and wants to see her, but have entirely different conversations when we are on our own about how to slowly but surely change what's going on. Then, just when it seems all is going in the right direction, she has a fall out with her boyfriend, needs support or needs to be needed (really not sure which at the moment!) and it escalates into the same old chaos; And yes, you're right, I'm still grieving and will be until the end of my life for the loss of someone incredibly special, and yes, it is very difficult to enter into a totally different dynamic of a situation, but it is feasible and most of the time a real joy. I just feel very uncomfortable and, yep, stressed by the total unpredictability of the whole set-up. Will definitely give your suggestions a try and see how we go!! Will let you know how it pans out!!!!!! Keep on smiling eh?!! Thanks again for your input. I haven't talked to anyone else about this so far except my partner and it felt really good just to get it out there!! Scottie

**oxy-moron** · 03-04-2011 07:21 PM

I dont think there is an easy answer apart from more tolerance. I have seen these types of issues over the years in blended families.
It doesnt sound like she is malicious- just lazy and she will still want to influence the way her babies are raised. I have seen malicious and this can be horrendous. The children will all be feeling it in their own way.
The oldest two will be of diminishing impact. Once the eldest is old enough possibly you can provide her with transport and make her more of a go between/ minder. I feel for your new man- he has to live up to your first husbands memory and stay dealing with his ex-not an easy task. Treat him well.