unsure...pls help

**karenkaren** · 03-07-2011 03:38 PM

My fiance and I have bn together for 11 years and we have 3 kids together. I thought everything was perfect and I never had worries about him being unfaithful....until a few weeks ago when his routine changed and my intuition kicked in. I checked his phone records and sure enuf he had bn texting and receiving calls from a strange number. He admitted it was another women whom he just started talking with that same week but the thing is that he spent at least 2-3 hrs with her that evening and wouldnt answer his phone. He says nothing happened between them and later admitted that she had asked him to stay the night but he came home. Its seems odd to me that absolutely nothing happened. I suspect there was atleast some fooling around but he says no. Its bn almost a month and my mind is still tormented by it. My self esteem has taken a real beating from this and I feel like our relationship is a joke to him and it seems that with each day Im beginning to hate him for hurting me like that. He used to yell and argue with me for every little thing that went wrong and so now with all that combined with this I feel like he really doesnt love me the way he should. And now when I bring the issue up he doesnt want to talk about it or how I feel and he really has no idea just to what extent this has rooted itself deep inside me. Im not really sure what my question is..I just need some feed back or maybe some advice or another persons view on this situation. pls reply

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-07-2011 05:53 PM

Hi karen....

"You thought everything was perfect".....

But, ask yourself, is it a perfect relationship to 1) be engaged and not married, after 11 years, to be yelled at,argued with, for you to walk on eggshells because he's always right and you, always wrong....

You are realising that it is not love, and that he's had his way all the way through, in addition he chose to spend a few hours with another woman but came home because? You have 3 kids together? If you left he would see them alot less? Or finances, as you've lived together for a long time, he'd lose alot?

Ask yourself if this was just the camel that broke your back and you are realising that you've wasted 11 years, he's bought your self esteme to its lowest, only this time you are seeing the bigger picture, the past 11 years...

CW

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-07-2011 09:36 PM

bumping......

**stressed** · 03-08-2011 05:30 AM

I agree with CW, it does seem odd that you've been together for 11 years, have 3 children but aren't married. Have you ever discussed marriage?

He went to another woman's place and stayed for a few hours, but didn't spend the night. If he'd spend the night it would be too obvious that something happened, by returning it can seem more 'innocent'. He didn't tell you about the woman, he didn't tell you about going to see her, whether they did something more or not you can never know (unless she got pregnant), but facts speak by themselves.

Arguing and yelling at you for being wrong has no place in a 'perfect relationship'. He doesn't want to talk about it and isn't interested in helping you heal after this event. If he loved you and had done nothing wrong he wouldn't act like this.

I don't know how old you are and if you are financially independent, but you have to seriously reconsider your relationship. It's not worth spending the rest of your life with a man who doesn't love you, whether you have 3 or 10 children with him.

**karenkaren** · 03-08-2011 10:02 AM

Well I should have bn more explanatory about our relationship and I see now how ppl are interpreting it the wrong way. First Id like to say that the whole marriage thing doesnt really bother me at all, we have discussed it and Im not that kind of girl who dreams of her wedding day. The whole centre of attention is a place that Id rather be far away from and I dont believe that would change if it were a dif man. We do have savings that is specifically for the big day but together weve bn working towards obtaining more important essentials first.
Secondly, maybe it seems pathetic of me to say this but as far as taking some anger out on me it is something we all do at times (directing your anger in the wrong place) I didnt mean for it to seem like abuse....Im an overly sensitive person and this is not something that anyone has told me. Alot of my understanding comes from me being aware of his upbringing and how it was not so practical.
We both have never spent a night away from each other in 10 years, we are very close and in tune to each others feelings. We are very quiet ppl and always include the children. This is definately the first time that this has happened...I am as sure of that as taxes and death. When I first found out about the little trisk he was very remorseful about how it hurt me and did every thing he could to try help me through it. I took off my engagement ring and refused to wear it again. He bought a new one and purposed again.
He is not a bad person. On top of our 3 children I also took care of my mother who was very ill for many years. I havent bn working since the birth of our 2nd child in 2009 and so any expenses pertaining to my mother was handled by him without complaint. He also took part in her care on many occasions. So aside from the usual few arguements that comes with every relationship yes it was perfect. Im kinda feeling stupid here for not being so clear but perhaps maybe the answer Im looking for is whether a person can have a moment of weakness and make the wrong choices concluding to being unfaithful and then return to the state of wanting to be faithful from then on to their partner? Or is it as the saying goes " Once a cheater, always a cheater"?

**Seeker_Advice** · 03-08-2011 10:57 AM

This is tough for me...as my ex cheated three times that I know about. Experts say, for every one you know about or catch, there are others that you missed.

This wasn't a moment of weakness...if anything....it was hours and/or days of weakness...look at it this way;

1)He thought about communicating with another woman, 2)He acted on it...several times, 3)He thought about seeing this other woman, 4)He acted on it...for several hours with no communication TO or FROM you, 5)He was less than truthful about it...probably still is, 6)You don't feel loved the way you should...need I go on?

Unless your "moments" equate to hours and days, then I'd say there is A LOT more going on here.

It's just my opinion and I admit that I may be tainted by my own experience.

**karenkaren** · 03-08-2011 11:36 AM

You must think I am ridiculous coming back with excuses lol not sure if Im trying to convince myself cuz it is really hard to see the big picture thru other points of view. Its scary actually.
In truth tho, the girl made contact first on both occasions and I cant believe that any man would resist temptation if it were persistent. Its a strange world entirely wrapped around sex. I did witness him telling her to stop calling and to leave him alone cuz I was gona leave him and he loved me too much. He didnt know I over heard or perhaps he knows I was listening is probably what some may say. She called him once more after that a few days later while he was right beside me and he said basically the same thing to her but with more detail.

**Cyndie32** · 03-08-2011 12:00 PM

I believe you need to give more credit to men and their ability to say no. Men can resist temptatation even if the girl is persistant. He made a choice of his own free will.

**WildChild** · 03-08-2011 02:19 PM

Originally Posted by Cyndie

I believe you need to give more credit to men and their ability to say no. Men can resist temptatation even if the girl is persistant. He made a choice of his own free will.

Absolutely. Men are just as capable or incapable of resisting temptation as women are. To assume otherwise is to belittle the gender and to consider them unable to act rationally when presented with any level of enticement. We've had a great deal of conditioning toward this belief by various religions and it is the supporting premise for treating women like carp for a long, long time but in truth it's total bunk. A man who wants to be committed to one woman in a loving relationship, will be, as will a woman as well. Those of either gender who are unhappy in their relationship and not honest enough to out of it first will wreak a lot of havoc.

**Seeker_Advice** · 03-08-2011 02:43 PM

IF he really wants the contacting to stop, he can take action, it's called filing a stalking report with the local police, to get her to stop or she will face the legal consequences of her ongoing actions. That's a big IF.... I had to do it to an ex that just wouldn't stop bugging me. It bothered the woman I love so....snap! I filed the report! Funny how the harassment ended almost immediately.

I agree with WC in that ANY man that WANTS to be committed to one woman in a loving relationship, will be....period. No excuses, No exceptions, No enticements!!

This life is nothing but a series of choices.....make GOOD ones!