husband of 10 years cheated me with a hooker

**lonelyheart33** · 03-16-2011 02:56 PM

I have known my husband for close to 19 years and married for 11. we both love each other alot and have beautiful 3 kids. It was about 4 years ago when I wanted to get my pap test that my husband disclosed that he had one night stand with a hooker at trip to vegas about a year from now. We went through , all the tests were negative. now after 4 years my pap is tested positive for HPV. In the mean time my husband became heavy drinker and verbally abusive .Sex life was horrible as well. sometimes threatening me that he will go out with someone new. Now when this test is positive, I made up my mind to walk out. He says it was only one time that he has this one night stand with hooker and that too under influence of alcohol..he swears that he doesnot have anybody in life. He does love me alot. we are emotionally connected with a family to raise. he promises to quit alcohol as he says all abuse was because of it. he is pleading for a chance to make things right. what should I do? should i believe a cheater?? wonder why he cheated for a hooker?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-16-2011 03:18 PM

HPV can remain dormant for years, "hookers" as far as I know, always use protection, protect themselves, they are human, they chose a field either for money or that's all they know, or both to survive or otherwise...

Why did he do it? You have to ask him, was he missing something in his marriage, you say sex life is horrible, for the past 4 years or all throughout, I am not sure...

Or was it a fantasy...that he acted on, you have to ask him.

Drinking can make a person abusive but drinking to that extent is running away from responsibilities, problems, life so I suggest he needs help, to establish why he needs to drink...You can't just quit something unless you don't want to do it anymore...

Sounds as if there is no balance ...things are missing that has bought him down, maybe he hates his job, maybe it's finances and maybe it's laughter, intimacy, love and maybe it's all of it...

You both need to communicate and talk this all out .....

I am sorry you have been tested with HPV... 19 years together with no other partners, I would personally assume it had to have come from an outside person somewhere along the line as well...

But, taking that aside, he would have it if you have it, so again he needs to see a Doctor as well...

And, taking that aside, if you believe you both still love each other, then talk through all the issues at hand, calmly and don't focus purely on this issue.

CW

**rcoreyus** · 03-17-2011 12:22 AM

I think you are asking the wrong question. The problem is not the hooker 10 years ago, or even whether he has done that again, the problem is your statement

"In the mean time my husband became heavy drinker and verbally abusive .Sex life was horrible as well. sometimes threatening me that he will go out with someone new"

This behavior is unacceptable whether or not he is cheating, in fact I'd consider it much worse than the cheating.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 03-17-2011 07:22 AM

I agree with the other posters, cheating is awful but if you left him, it wouldn't be solely because he cheated.......it would be because:

1. He's a heavy drinker (bad role model for the children.....you may think they don't know, but they do, and it WILL affect them)
2. He's verbally abusive (probably blames it on the alcohol.... yet doesn't stop drinking, right? It's unacceptable regardless of his excuse.)
3. He is a cheater. (As CW said, I'd be surprised if he got HPV from the hooker. But regardless of who he got it from, he had UNPROTECTED sexual intercourse with someone he didn't know......then came home and slept with you, his wife, the mother and caretaker of his children. Again, he blames this on alcohol...but hasn't stopped drinking. He has put YOUR health and wellbeing at risk, yet he supposedly loves you??)
4. He threatens you. (As if he's a catch or something. *rolling eyes* He drinks, he abuses, he cheats, and then HE threatens to leave YOU. Do you see something wrong with this picture??)

Children are not a reason to stay in a horrible marriage. They are however, a reason to leave one.

**Seeker_Advice** · 03-17-2011 08:59 AM

Alcohol is also known as the "truth serum" as people often say things or behave in ways they otherwise wouldn't, assuming they can blame the alcohol for their bad choice(s).

Children would rather come from a broken home then live in one.

**Hopeless Dork** · 03-17-2011 03:56 PM

Originally Posted by Beautiful Disaster

Children are not a reason to stay in a horrible marriage. They are however, a reason to leave one.

Epic point.

If you have daughters... they are learning from you what type of respect they should expect from the man they love... they are learning from their father what to expect to be treated like by the man they love.... when daughters observe terrible relationshp between the parents... they can develop very low expectations for the men they will become involved in later in life.

If you have sons... they are also learning from you what type of respect a woman will expect, they are learning from their father how to treat the woman they 'love'.. when sons observes their father treat their mother horribly and she stays... they could learn that you can treat a woman poorly and expect her to stay right there and take it.

Children need to feel a sense of love and security from the people that are raising them. A two parent home does yeild better results for children according to some studies... however a 2 parent home filled with fights, drunkenness , cheating, abuse (emotional or otherwise) is A LOT more damaging than a loving single parent home any day of the week.

If you want to work on your relationship, thats not the worst thing... but if you are the only one willing to do so... you will not succeed at improving things. He has to want it better too.. and if he doesn't you are going to be beating your head against a wall , not getting anywhere.

**kira** · 03-19-2011 11:47 AM

Personally cheating is it for me and especially cheating with a hooker. The personality and thought processes it would take to cheat on a serious relationship shows to me that the person is not a good friend, lover, or role model for children. I'd have kicked his cheating to the curb. Add in the alcohol and abuse and by now I'd have a restraining order on him. I dealt with enough of that growing up and accepted in my first relationship because it was so much less than what I had to survive before. Eventually one day though he woke up to find all my stuff gone and me leaving. He hit me and blocked our apartment door which led to him face planting in to a wall as I repeated I was leaving. Don't sit around wasting time on people like that. There's 2 years of arguing, abusive language, and occasional physical altercations I could have avoided if I just knew then what I know now. If they are going to change they won't do it until after you leave because it's not real enough until then.